Being told that I am SPECIAL... not by my BPD

[michel71]

I have a super great best friend. The other day I was feeling low and he was saying a lot of nice things about how cool I am, my character, our friendship, etc., how other people really love and admire me and then he added " do you know how special you are Michel?".
I was really touched. My first instinct was to say 'NO". BPD brainwashing.
It occurred to me that I NEVER heard nice things like that from my uBPDw after I was painted black.

Do any of you have good friends and/or family who remind you how special you are? I hope so because we all need it. We are special. We do have value.

[Turkish]

Is this a current feeling,  or does it go further back into your FOO?

[michel71]

The desire to reach out to past partners of my uBPDw overwhelms me. I also think that down the line some poor soul will be desperate to reach out to me for answers/validation.

Has that ever happened to anybody?

[ynwa]

Hey Michel,   

Your FIRST instinct was to be touched, your SECOND was to react.

Your friend wasn't blowing smoke up your posterior. They meant it.

[Turkish]

Personally?

I'd have no problem "debriefing" her new H at some point,  even if he is her affair partner.  He complication is that I'm legally tied to her for the next 14 years,  aside from the emotional component.  I talked to him about the DV (following the protocols here); he thanked me,  and proceeded to ignore my advice.  They both did.  That's on them.  I'm out.  

I'm a big believer in "adulting up"  meaning that as adults,  we're responsible for our choices.  

You posted on Conflicted, but a big part of detaching is letting go... .even letting go of warning others.  Their lives are theirs to live.  

[heartandwhole]

Do any of you have good friends and/or family who remind you how special you are? I hope so because we all need it. We are special. We do have value.

Fortunately, I do, too, michel. And it feels great, no matter if I'm single or in a relationship. There's something in my experience about being in these kinds of relationships that makes it so easy to lose perspective about ourselves—we lose the big picture because we're too busy managing/coping.

For me, it was the slip, slip, sliding of my boundaries, my caretaking tendencies, and my own fuzziness about where I wanted to be in my life the contributed to that. How about you? 

heartandwhole

[michel71]

Yes. Exactly. Boundaries. Mine were weak  I should say rather that I was weak. I did have them. I just kept letting things happen. I did not have the courage of my convictions. I wimped out. Letting myself down feels almost as bad as her letting me down.

[heartandwhole]

Letting myself down feels almost as bad as her letting me down.

Yes, I know that feeling.    But you know, we can change. It doesn't happen overnight, but if we are willing to feel and reflect and learn, positive changes DO come about.

[earlyL]

I have been so lucky to have about five amazing friends who text and call me on a day to day basis right now to make sure i am ok. I don't think I have ever experienced such incredible friendships as I am right now and I am so grateful to them, especially as I have ignored them the last two years trying to be there all the time for my exBPD. I am only on day four of our break up, and tonight I came back to our flat where she has taken most of her things away and it hurt, but I had three text messages from people checking in, I don't think I would have gotten through this far without them.

Love to everyone out there going through the same. One day at a time. It will get better.

LW