Confused about why he left

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex for sure was suffering from BPD. He fit all the diagnostic criteria. Our relationship was full of ups and downs with absolutely no middle ground. For the most part he was extremely happy and would cry to me about how much he loves me and has never loved someone as much. We had a generally good relationship but he would always bring up my past. He would always tell me that I was going to hurt him and that he's worried I'm doing something behind his back.

He would cycle moods every couple of weeks. Some weeks he was incredibly amazing and did all the right things, then other weeks he would pick arguments and start being emotionally abusive. After he realized what he was doing, he would apologize, claim he has no clue why he acted out and that he believes he needs counseling.

He brought me a ring and when things started getting serious he bailed on me, told me I was talking to someone else (not cheating) and that he wouldn't wait around to catch me eventually cheat on him. I told him he was being insecure but he didn't want to hear it. He packed all his things and left. When I tried to contact him he acted like someone I have never seen before. He was extremely cold, told me he didn't care what happened to me and told me to never contact him again. I was very confused but I kept trying to convince him that he was wrong and eventually we got back together. Once again things were great, my phone number had changed, he knew all my passwords, I deleted most of my social networks... the whole nine yards to make things work.

We were happy for a month, talking about booking our next vacation and stuff when out of nowhere one day he calls me and tells me that I'm a liar and he can't be with me anymore. basically when we broke up the first time, I called his mother and she was extremely rude and nasty over the phone. I told him this and he spoke to her, she assured him she was nothing but sweet and now he tells me that I am trying to manipulate him into hating his mother. This is absolutely not true. I liked his mother a lot until the very end of the relationship when I realized that they have a very uncommon relationship. She coddles him. He is 34 and lives at home. His sister is 42 and still shares a bedroom with the mom. Her mother treats him as if he can make no mistakes at all.

Anyway, this last breakup was different. He blocked me everywhere. He hasn't reached out at all. He is playing the victim role by posting quotes about how I'm a toxic person. When I contacted him to get my keys back, he screamed at me and told me never to contact him again or he would get a restraining order. This all comes one week after he was sitting and crying to me about how much he loves me and can't see life without me.

I'm moving on but it's very painful. I feel very confused. Normal relationships don't end over stuff like this but it appears as though he only has black or white thinking. I am either all good or all bad. I am wondering whether or not I will hear from him again, not because I want to but because I know it will be painful. He always said that he would never contact any of his exes and after it was done then it was done, but something in the pit of my stomach tells me that this situation is different. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Can anyone offer any advice? Thank you in advance

[Hali]

My ex for sure was suffering from BPD. He fit all the diagnostic criteria. Our relationship was full of ups and downs with absolutely no middle ground. For the most part he was extremely happy and would cry to me about how much he loves me and has never loved someone as much. We had a generally good relationship but he would always bring up my past. He would always tell me that I was going to hurt him and that he's worried I'm doing something behind his back.

He would cycle moods every couple of weeks. Some weeks he was incredibly amazing and did all the right things, then other weeks he would pick arguments and start being emotionally abusive. After he realized what he was doing, he would apologize, claim he has no clue why he acted out and that he believes he needs counseling.

He brought me a ring and when things started getting serious he bailed on me, told me I was talking to someone else (not cheating) and that he wouldn't wait around to catch me eventually cheat on him. I told him he was being insecure but he didn't want to hear it. He packed all his things and left. When I tried to contact him he acted like someone I have never seen before. He was extremely cold, told me he didn't care what happened to me and told me to never contact him again. I was very confused but I kept trying to convince him that he was wrong and eventually we got back together. Once again things were great, my phone number had changed, he knew all my passwords, I deleted most of my social networks... the whole nine yards to make things work.

We were happy for a month, talking about booking our next vacation and stuff when out of nowhere one day he calls me and tells me that I'm a liar and he can't be with me anymore. basically when we broke up the first time, I called his mother and she was extremely rude and nasty over the phone. I told him this and he spoke to her, she assured him she was nothing but sweet and now he tells me that I am trying to manipulate him into hating his mother. This is absolutely not true. I liked his mother a lot until the very end of the relationship when I realized that they have a very uncommon relationship. She coddles him. He is 34 and lives at home. His sister is 42 and still shares a bedroom with the mom. Her mother treats him as if he can make no mistakes at all.

Anyway, this last breakup was different. He blocked me everywhere. He hasn't reached out at all. He is playing the victim role by posting quotes about how I'm a toxic person. When I contacted him to get my keys back, he screamed at me and told me never to contact him again or he would get a restraining order. This all comes one week after he was sitting and crying to me about how much he loves me and can't see life without me.

I'm moving on but it's very painful. I feel very confused. Normal relationships don't end over stuff like this but it appears as though he only has black or white thinking. I am either all good or all bad. I am wondering whether or not I will hear from him again, not because I want to but because I know it will be painful. He always said that he would never contact any of his exes and after it was done then it was done, but something in the pit of my stomach tells me that this situation is different. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Can anyone offer any advice? Thank you in advance

[vanx]

Hali,

I'm really sorry for the painful situation you are dealing with. I hope you can find some help here for coping. I know how difficult facing the sudden switch in emotions can be--I think it's safe to say a lot of us here can relate, although it does not make it totally easier for you to work through.
What steps have you taken to move on or look after yourself since this happened? I hope you are taking some time for yourself.
It is hard to say about hearing again from your partner. Based on what I see on the boards, it is not uncommon, but then there are others who do not hear from the person again. What are your feelings about possibly getting contact from him--is there more you want to say? Too much to handle? I know from experience how emotionally confusing things can be at this juncture. Have you read any info on the site about BPD? This one could be helpful How a Borderline Relationship Evolves
It's kind of tough picking up the pieces after being left, but continuing to learn more could help you cope with what has happened. Hang in there. We're here for your support!

[Turkish]

Hali,

The rug was pulled out from under you, so to speak. This sounds hurtful and confusing.  vanx linked a good resource,  and it may help you put this into context,  at least initially.

It sounds like there's a BPD- like dynamic going on in his family, an unhealthy attachment or enmeshment amongst family members.  Guessing would be just that,  but we can focus upon what helps you right now. 

If he's threatened an RO, I'd take that seriously.  Aside from judging the validity of that threat, it's a clearly communicated hard boundary.  We've seen members here fall into the tap of alternating feelings on the other side,  only to get into legal trouble when the partners make good on these threats. Our concern if your safety,  number one; and supporting you how to heal, number two. 

What's the situation with the keys, and do you feel safe in the status quo, not contacting him to get them back?

T

[Hali]

Hali,

I'm really sorry for the painful situation you are dealing with. I hope you can find some help here for coping. I know how difficult facing the sudden switch in emotions can be--I think it's safe to say a lot of us here can relate, although it does not make it totally easier for you to work through.
What steps have you taken to move on or look after yourself since this happened? I hope you are taking some time for yourself.
It is hard to say about hearing again from your partner. Based on what I see on the boards, it is not uncommon, but then there are others who do not hear from the person again. What are your feelings about possibly getting contact from him--is there more you want to say? Too much to handle? I know from experience how emotionally confusing things can be at this juncture. Have you read any info on the site about BPD? This one could be helpful How a Borderline Relationship Evolves
It's kind of tough picking up the pieces after being left, but continuing to learn more could help you cope with what has happened. Hang in there. We're here for your support!

I actually want nothing to do from him. I have been through hell and back at this point and im done. I don't think that i deserve this, or anyone for that matter. I found this message board through reading the book "stop walking on eggshells." It has helped me understand a lot. I will check out the resources you mentioned. I am more terrified that he will sneak his way back into my life as soon as i am finally getting over him. I have known him for ten years, the longest we went without talking was 5 years and then he contacted me again. he always says he wants to get help but makes no effort at all. i don't see him ever being happy with anyone.

i have definitely been working on myself. i have started working out, signed up for kickboxing and i've been out with family and friends. i am desperately trying to recover. it gets hard sometimes because it is so incredibly confusing that someone can be so loving one moment, and so cold the next. I know he probably won't regret what he has done, but i hope he does choose to go get some sort of help.

[Hali]

Hali,

The rug was pulled out from under you, so to speak. This sounds hurtful and confusing.  vanx linked a good resource,  and it may help you put this into context,  at least initially.

It sounds like there's a BPD- like dynamic going on in his family, an unhealthy attachment or enmeshment amongst family members.  Guessing would be just that,  but we can focus upon what helps you right now. 

If he's threatened an RO, I'd take that seriously.  Aside from judging the validity of that threat, it's a clearly communicated hard boundary.  We've seen members here fall into the tap of alternating feelings on the other side,  only to get into legal trouble when the partners make good on these threats. Our concern if your safety,  number one; and supporting you how to heal, number two. 

What's the situation with the keys, and do you feel safe in the status quo, not contacting him to get them back?

T

I am not at all threatened by him getting a RO because i have not reached out to him once. The only time i ever contacted him was when i wanted my keys. We live three blocks away from each other, so unfortunately I have driven by him... if that constitutes as "stalking" in his eyes then so be it. I have never threatened him, nor his mentally unstable family members. I don't plan on ever contacting him again. I have him blocked everywhere just on the off chance that he decides to unblock me in attempt to talk to me. My biggest fear is that he will weasel his way into my life when he realizes i no longer care about him. I hope this doesn't happen.

I did get my keys back, thankfully. i went as far as to even change my locks just incase. He never picked up any of his things so i packaged everything up and locked it in the garage. On the off chance that he wants his things, i will have a family member drop them off on his front steps.