Putting this in writing for the first time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I love my husband. But I don't think that I'm in love with him, or that I ever was. And writing that last sentence makes me only a tiny bit sad - like an echo of a real feeling, which is how all I experience all of my emotions lately, except anger, which only comes out in arguments.

I feel confused, lost, trapped. I can't bring myself to leave him, to end the relationship. He never would, and that's what makes this so hard. I wish that we could just sit down and objectively say, "look, this isn't working out, I want the best for you, but we're both miserable right now and this isn't working." But I'm sure you can imagine what the reaction to saying that would be ... .I don't even want to imagine it, which is why I haven't tried to have that conversation yet.

I wish I could say that I didn't know how I got into this situation, but I do. I've always been pretty stoic, grounded, ambitious. Graduated high school early, went to law school at 21. I let myself think that all gave me some kind of protection from being a victim of this sort, or maybe I was simultaneously naive and full of myself.

He's a few years older than me. My first serious relationship. Was in love with me within two months. We were living together after three. Married in a year. Gradually and subtly pushed my limits the whole time. I noticed it. Other red flags too: undermining my friendships and family relationships, expecting special treatment, totally embarrassing and inappropriate emotional overreactions, inability to keep a steady job, criticism and attempts to control my behavior and style, etc. But I still stayed. Why?

Maybe some low self esteem issues, but I've never really thought of that being an issue for me. At the end of the day, it's the very things that I thought of as strengths that did me in, and only now do I realize how my arrogance and naivety made me such a perfect victim: 1) my emotional detachment, openness, and "go with the flow" attitude led me to accept (refrain from "judging" behaviors that should have caused me to seriously reconsider what I was doing; 2) my sense of empathy and compassion (and, frankly, desire to avoid confrontation) led me to refrain from doing or saying anything that might "hurt" him; 3) unresolved (nothing major, or at least it didn't have to be) issues/greviances/annoyances  with friends and family that he subtly played up to separate me from my support group, eventually setting up a "me or them" dynamic, and finally; 4) and this element I am the least proud of, but which I must admit clouded my judgment, the fact that he came from a very privileged background and his parents were very generous.

This is obviously just an overview, and the first time I've put my thoughts down in writing. It sounds really sick - at least to me - but at the same time I can't help but second guess myself. He is kind and caring more often than not (though many times overly so), and we've had great vacations, holidays, etc, together. And I don't know if all of the things that happened earlier were consciously, intentionally planned and executed. He never seems to be coming from a bad place, and it seems like he wants the best for me, so I don't know if I'm being paranoid or delusional.

But I've slowly watched my support network disappear. I dread coming coming home from work because I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in. Marriage counseling went nowhere - things were good for a month then downhill again. I've run up my credit cards buying crap I don't need and started eating fast food daily just as a way to cope. I don't recognize myself.

Yet for some reason I just can't bring myself to end this relationship. Why? I fantasize about being single. I don't even care about getting any money in a divorce settlement. But I'm just - or have been - too afraid to go through with it. I feel weak, trapped, confused and pathetic. I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone can relate, or has been here before and has advice. Thanks for reading.

[NXR]

I love my husband. But I don't think that I'm in love with him, or that I ever was. And writing that last sentence makes me only a tiny bit sad - like an echo of a real feeling, which is how all I experience all of my emotions lately, except anger, which only comes out in arguments.

I feel confused, lost, trapped. I can't bring myself to leave him, to end the relationship. He never would, and that's what makes this so hard. I wish that we could just sit down and objectively say, "look, this isn't working out, I want the best for you, but we're both miserable right now and this isn't working." But I'm sure you can imagine what the reaction to saying that would be ... .I don't even want to imagine it, which is why I haven't tried to have that conversation yet.

I wish I could say that I didn't know how I got into this situation, but I do. I've always been pretty stoic, grounded, ambitious. Graduated high school early, went to law school at 21. I let myself think that all gave me some kind of protection from being a victim of this sort, or maybe I was simultaneously naive and full of myself.

He's a few years older than me. My first serious relationship. Was in love with me within two months. We were living together after three. Married in a year. Gradually and subtly pushed my limits the whole time. I noticed it. Other red flags too: undermining my friendships and family relationships, expecting special treatment, totally embarrassing and inappropriate emotional overreactions, inability to keep a steady job, criticism and attempts to control my behavior and style, etc. But I still stayed. Why?

Maybe some low self esteem issues, but I've never really thought of that being an issue for me. At the end of the day, it's the very things that I thought of as strengths that did me in, and only now do I realize how my arrogance and naivety made me such a perfect victim: 1) my emotional detachment, openness, and "go with the flow" attitude led me to accept (refrain from "judging" behaviors that should have caused me to seriously reconsider what I was doing; 2) my sense of empathy and compassion (and, frankly, desire to avoid confrontation) led me to refrain from doing or saying anything that might "hurt" him; 3) unresolved (nothing major, or at least it didn't have to be) issues/greviances/annoyances  with friends and family that he subtly played up to separate me from my support group, eventually setting up a "me or them" dynamic, and finally; 4) and this element I am the least proud of, but which I must admit clouded my judgment, the fact that he came from a very privileged background and his parents were very generous.

This is obviously just an overview, and the first time I've put my thoughts down in writing. It sounds really sick - at least to me - but at the same time I can't help but second guess myself. He is kind and caring more often than not (though many times overly so), and we've had great vacations, holidays, etc, together. And I don't know if all of the things that happened earlier were consciously, intentionally planned and executed. He never seems to be coming from a bad place, and it seems like he wants the best for me, so I don't know if I'm being paranoid or delusional.

But I've slowly watched my support network disappear. I dread coming coming home from work because I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in. Marriage counseling went nowhere - things were good for a month then downhill again. I've run up my credit cards buying crap I don't need and started eating fast food daily just as a way to cope. I don't recognize myself.

Yet for some reason I just can't bring myself to end this relationship. Why? I fantasize about being single. I don't even care about getting any money in a divorce settlement. But I'm just - or have been - too afraid to go through with it. I feel weak, trapped, confused and pathetic. I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone can relate, or has been here before and has advice. Thanks for reading.

[Torched]

I'm sorry.

Know that what you say above is probably VERY familiar with most people here.  I know it is to me.

I just had a discussion with a family member who called this morning to talk to me about my guilt from divorcing my exBPDw last week.  I basically said that I'm getting better with it, but I really wish I knew about BPD when I was a 23 year old.  I could have avoided all of this    I didn't know about BPD until right before my divorce.  She fits the bill many times over and it is embarassing for me to think that I put up with that behavior and even supported it through my own for so very long, alienating my family who were so close and loving.

I am astonished at how many people are on this board, one of several in existence... .all suffering because of these relationships that are generally so very similar.

Hang in there.  You have choices to make.  If you stay, you'll need to really make peace with what you have there.  I found out the hard way that trying so very hard would eventually make me do things against my character... .and that's a shame.  Similar to wishing I knew about BPD... .I wish I knew that staying and fighting would eventually make me do things I otherwise would have never considered possible.  Like having an affair to help permanently cut the cord.

[Krato]

Hi NXR, your story is SO similar to mine. You're not alone.

Even though you also seem to have found your way out of the FOG regarding what our partner really is (his mask has fallen off), just like me, you still struggle with fear, obligation and guilt for actually ending and closing the relationship. Like you, I also fear what her reaction will be. I mean she can have a huge rage episode about wrong pizza stuffing, so I cannot imagine what "look, this isn't working out" would do. I still have obligation towards her as she is the mother of my kids and I feel guilt for breaking up our "happy" family.

What has helped me, is the fact that due to my stupidity and naivety I now got 2 wonderful sons. Perhaps you can find some purpose in your own mistakes as well.

Try to build back your support network, get your family and friends behind you. And do you know why his parents have been so generous? So that you won't leave their son. Deep down they know what you are up against, but they just deny it or cannot say it out loud. My FIL and especially MIL are very generous too, they help to clean the house and take care of the kids (basically do all the things my wife should be doing). Empathy, "go with the flow", avoiding confrontation, putting me in no-win situations and choosing between "me or them"... been there, done that.

Funnily, nowadays I even welcome the raging, selfish and narcissistic behavior from her. As each episode is taking me closer and closer to my final decision, I am just not ready yet.