Help I need your advice.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone!
Good day!

My romantic long distance fiance was diagnosed of having BPD since he was 14 years old and now he 's 42. I met him in skype way back 2013 and we became friends for 6 months and later we became lovers. I'm from the Philippines and he's from Europe. We've been together for 4 years as having a long distance relationship and we got engaged for about 5 months. He visited me in my country for a month last year and that's the time we spent our real time together. I knew his condition since I met him and I find him romantic, responsible, respectful and loving. During our real time together in my country, I found out that he's into substance abuse and that made me surprised coz he said he already stop before I met him. I told him that he should stop using coz it can affect on his condition and if not,we end our relationship.This time he beg me to have a chance to prove it.  It's been a month since I gave him a chance but of course he's in his country so how would I know. So, he planned to come back to my country to show how sincere he is and to prove himself. Last week, I told him that I need space coz I'm confused but he became impulsive and threatening me if I do that he would commit suicide and make a video  on how he do it. Because I'm scared, I didn't continue to have space and still communicating on him because I don't want him to do that. Now, he wants to come and he organized our vacation in a lavish way though I told him not to coz I don't want him to have financial problem someday. He told me not to worry coz he planned it beforehand and he told me that I deserve this vacation  because I have been with him all the time supporting on him. We had los of ups and downs and now it's time for us to have a vacation.  But now, I'm totally confused though I have read a lot about BPD's behaviour, recovery and testimonies which enlighten me that we have hope as long as he do his best and I support on him. My fiance is not aggressive and only that time when I asked him a space for me to think of myself . Please help me. I need your advice ASAP!                                         
Confused woman

[Tmar3]

Hello everyone!
Good day!

My romantic long distance fiance was diagnosed of having BPD since he was 14 years old and now he 's 42. I met him in skype way back 2013 and we became friends for 6 months and later we became lovers. I'm from the Philippines and he's from Europe. We've been together for 4 years as having a long distance relationship and we got engaged for about 5 months. He visited me in my country for a month last year and that's the time we spent our real time together. I knew his condition since I met him and I find him romantic, responsible, respectful and loving. During our real time together in my country, I found out that he's into substance abuse and that made me surprised coz he said he already stop before I met him. I told him that he should stop using coz it can affect on his condition and if not,we end our relationship.This time he beg me to have a chance to prove it.  It's been a month since I gave him a chance but of course he's in his country so how would I know. So, he planned to come back to my country to show how sincere he is and to prove himself. Last week, I told him that I need space coz I'm confused but he became impulsive and threatening me if I do that he would commit suicide and make a video  on how he do it. Because I'm scared, I didn't continue to have space and still communicating on him because I don't want him to do that. Now, he wants to come and he organized our vacation in a lavish way though I told him not to coz I don't want him to have financial problem someday. He told me not to worry coz he planned it beforehand and he told me that I deserve this vacation  because I have been with him all the time supporting on him. We had los of ups and downs and now it's time for us to have a vacation.  But now, I'm totally confused though I have read a lot about BPD's behaviour, recovery and testimonies which enlighten me that we have hope as long as he do his best and I support on him. My fiance is not aggressive and only that time when I asked him a space for me to think of myself . Please help me. I need your advice ASAP!                                         
Confused woman

[Meili]

Let me welcome you here to the  bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

What do you think is the right direction for you, and the best kind of help you hope to get here? Did you agree to allow him to come and see you, or are you still standing with not wanting him to come?

Long distance relationships are hard in the best of circumstances. Dealing with a pwBPD makes them even harder. Then to complicate all of it with substance abuse; that just makes it all worse. I agree, there is no real way of knowing if he's still using or not. Only time will tell that.

You said that you've done a lot of reading about BPD. Has that reading include communication tools to use to help deal with the disorder? I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.