My online BPD girlfriend ended our relationship claiming she caused me pain

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I met a woman online several months ago and over a period of the last four months we became romantically involved, though we have not met in person.  Following a burn out response from me a couple of weeks ago because I was busy saving her, her personal life became a big financial mess and she said she wanted to end us because she causes me too much pain.  I had no clue at the time that she may be BPD, but she fits all the descriptions and behaviors.  So now I am hurting in recovery from this and need help to move on and away from her.

[vulnerable]

I met a woman online several months ago and over a period of the last four months we became romantically involved, though we have not met in person.  Following a burn out response from me a couple of weeks ago because I was busy saving her, her personal life became a big financial mess and she said she wanted to end us because she causes me too much pain.  I had no clue at the time that she may be BPD, but she fits all the descriptions and behaviors.  So now I am hurting in recovery from this and need help to move on and away from her.

[Turkish]

Hello vulnerable,

It must have felt confusing when she started pulling away from you. It's really hard to get a gauge on things as well when you don't see someone in person, which also gives us a chance to pick up on body language and other cues.

A pwBPD (person with BPD), in addition to living with emotional dysregulation, also suffers from a core sense of shame. It's probable that when she said that she causes you too much pain, that her interaction with you is what triggered it. You became a trigger for her pain. She brought that with her, and she takes it with her as well.

If you have Rescuer or Caretaker tendencies (me, too), then you may feel badly, since you were sincerely trying to help her work through whatever messes she had in her life.

Are you still in contact, and if she reaches out, what does your gut tell you to do? We can help you with this, and I'm glad you found us.



Turkish

[Rise]

Hi Vulnerable.

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting. I just wanted to echo Turkish and welcome you to the boards. Going through a break-up like this can bring up a lot of really powerful emotions. Sometimes it does a lot of good having someone to talk to that's had a similar experience.

If you get a chance, I'd really like to hear more about your story. Have you had any contact since the break-up, or has she completely disappeared? Are you hoping that she will reach back out to you, or are you trying to avoid further contact with her?

I want you to know that no matter how bad things may feel right now, things don't always have to be this way. They really can get better if you give them the chance. I hope to hear more from you soon.

Best wishes,

Rise

[Mutt]

Hi Vulberable,



I'd like to join everyone and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that. It helps to talk 

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[vulnerable]

My ex had a birthday last week and it was painful not to acknowledge it but I followed the no contact agreement, which was the best choice for me.  Got my encouragement from reading here.  Thanks.

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Can you tell us more about what the relationship was like and what happened?