Challenges of bpd in a close relative

[Reenierose]

I am living with my 45 yo daughter and her daughter. My daughter, K, has bpd. She has recently moved I. With me and life has been very difficult. She blames me for her terrible life. I am trying to live my life as I wish but it is very difficult with her rages and lack of her caring for herself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Reenierose, welcome to the group 

It can already be difficult to have three generations living under one roof. When BPD is involved, it doesn't get easier, as you are well aware. It's good you're able to reach out for some help as you navigate this new arrangement.

Has your D45 been diagnosed with BPD, or is it more of a suspicion of yours? If she has been diagnosed, does she accept the diagnosis, and is she in any kind of treatment?

How old is your granddaughter? How's she doing with the move, and with her mom's behaviors? Is she young enough to need her mom's help a lot, or is she old enough to be more self-sufficient?

It sounds really difficult to be exposed to blame and rage in your own home. Does your D45 usually blame/rage at you in person, or via phone/text/social media, or some other way?

Not sure if you've seen this yet -- we do have a section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder. Might be a good starting place, or at least spark some questions/thoughts for you that we can talk about here.

Make yourself at home here... we understand.

kells76

[Sancho]

Hi Reenierose
I am in the same situation - DD and her daughter live with me. The daughter has always lived here but DD was mainly not living here until 2020. Since she moved back in it has been incredibly challenging.

I get the barrage of blame - and abuse. Can I ask how your gd is coping? How old is she? I feel it could be a relief for her to be in a home where there is another adult who is not BPD. There again, as I find, if you relate to the child it is another trigger for DD to blame and abuse you.

To be honest my main tool of survival is made up of a few things. Like you I try to live my life to the extent possible (which varies a bit). When the blame or abuse starts I imagine the words flying past me like cricket balls, or I respond in my mind to all the accusations, but I don't say anything out loud.

I also find it useful to 'put' my mind somewhere else. It was a 'trick' I learnt many years ago - before all the BPD crises - when I had a friend who had a great deal of depression. I wanted to spend time with her but she didn't want to talk or respond etc. I found I was agitated wondering what to do, then I learnt to be happy to sit with her thinking about something else!

I know it sounds weird! But BPD children take over our minds as well as our physical space, and I think it is the pressure on our minds that can be so stressful it is harmful for us. People  who know my situation wonder how I cope, but I think it is because I haven't allowed my mind to become totally absorbed in the chaos that is my life.

I hope that things can gradually settle in your situation. I hope that knowing there are others out there dealing with the same situation is at least some form of comfort. We know just how incredibly difficult the journey is.