Hello Everyone

[Rubygal]

My adult daughter was diagnosed with BPD about 5 years ago. About a year ago, after her 3rd failed relationship, she and her two children moved back in with my husband and me, so there’s no escaping it. Last night she and I had yet another blow up and it left me devastated and heartbroken…again. I think I’m guilty of always, and foolishly, expecting her to react as an adult without BPD (do I dare say “normal”) would. She holds such fury about the way she thinks I’ve treated her since her very young childhood and it breaks my heart because I thought I was doing all the right things for her. I feel like an utter failure as her mother. I honestly live in fear of the next time she blows up at me. I’m going into therapy to figure out how to cope with this situation. I need to learn to get out of myself and be the parent she needs now. I’m also the sole caregiver for my disabled husband, so that’s an added stressor.
I’ve been reading your other posts and look forward to learning from you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  Welcome to the club I am so sorry to hear this (especially that there is no escape!) My 23 y/o BPD cut ties with me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces; it has been over a year; I am starting to cope better (i still look at my phone EVERY day) (that is MY issue...I keep waiting for this magical "breakthrough"; it is difficult for me to understand how pwBPD went from me doing EVERYthing for her (my enabling!) to NOTHING (every now & than I get a text if she needs something); when I get very sad, I focus on her RAGE (we were at a restaurant, per HER request & she blurted out, can you please shut the F up!) the months before her cut off, she would say the cruelest things; so...while I miss her very much, I do not miss the anxious feeling in my stomach ALL the time!  please reach out if you like!  I know it is a lonely road!

[Rubygal]

Thank you BPDStinks. I hope things get better between you and your daughter.❤️

[Winniethepoo]

RubyGal,
 I have a single daughter but I can see your life being yours in the future. I am trying the "greystoning" and JADE recommendations which I've only recently found as I am desperately searching for help. I can't tell you that it helped so much with the last rage but I, at least, felt calmer thinking of myself as a grey inert rock. I tried to zone out and give one word or no answers. Unfortunately, I was in a close space and felt trapped. So I think next time, the minute I feel that dread ( you know the feeling I'm sure) I am going to move quickly to a safe place ( away from her). I also really need to work on not justifying, arguing, defending and explaining. If I even  go to one of those responses the episode becomes a hurricane. So sorry for your struggles.

[js friend]

Hi Rubygal,

I feel for you and your gc as I know the feeling of dread coming home/living with a home to a pwbpd.
My udd first left home at 17yo and returned at 20yo after she had her first child and it was truly one of the worse times in my life. She was resentful for being back home and it really showed through her utter disrespect for my home and the out of control rages. It didnt matter that her newborn child was there or not she would just attack me verbally in the most cruelist ways, almost seem to be around me not doing things in the time frame she wanted me to do in according to her...yet I couldnt ask her to  do the simplist things without being raged at or given the silent treatment. I dont think that you are failure as a mother. You are here and seeking advice from others who have been down this path. To me that  doesnt mean that you are a failure. Pwbpd will  make us believe that we have failed them because they love to tell us how inadequate we are and keep shifting the goalposts of how WE can make THEIR lives better. If you were to tell your dd 100x that you aplogise and take 100% responsibility for all of her difficulties in life I guarantee you she still would not accept it. Pwbdp are very good at will shifting the blame elsewhere because they dont like to be held accountable. Hopefully your dd will be able to leave your home soon and you can have some peace back in your life but in the meantime what I found helped was not to JADE (justify, accuse, defend or explain) as it was pointless. Other things that seemed to help was to leave the room when she started on me...sometimes she would follow me to argue but she would ultimately give up when she saw I wouldnt respond. I also would leave my home time and weather permitting for a breather and to let things calm down naturally, and she also knew that I would call the police if she ever became violent with me.

[Rubygal]

Thank you for your support JS Friend. My story seems very similar to yours. My DD is now 37. There is no plan for her to move out, and honestly for her children’s sake, I don’t want her to. This is the only stable home they’ve known. We’re in a wonderful school district and they have great friends in the neighborhood. Having them here keeps my daughter engaged, even though we do have those occasional blow ups. I hope your relationship with you DD gets better soon.