Need advice. Spouse with bpd ruining our lives. Having breakdowns everyday

[AlexG]

Been with the same woman for 23 years.  4 kids, 2 in high school, one in middle school, one 18 yo still living with me. I guess by state common law she's my wife but I never married her, reason why is I can't imagine marrying someone who always yelling at me.

Her PCP diagnose through with bpd over the phone and her psychiatrist confirmed it when she tried to swallow some pills and ended up in the hospital the psychiatric ward for 72 hours. She told me who said call you just think she might have bipolar on top of it all which would make sense because she is super nice for 2 days and then for 3 days she just awful to be around and this seems like a reoccurring cycle that keeps happening over and over. She's always been very argumentative since we were younger but she got way worse and seems to have a chemical imbalance I suspect she was using but she won't admit to it but it's obvious because she acts like she's coming down on something all the time and it's just a very mean.

Long story short the last two years have been unbearable and I don't know how I survived all the fighting and arguing seemingly for no reason. Other than she's upset about something whatever she makes up in her head. So not only is it having an effect on me by making me emotionally detached but I'm seeing it having my two oldest daughters affecting them very negatively that they're getting anxiety.

Apparently from what I researched  I'm an empathetic person, I work, pay all the bills, do all the grocery shopping. So I became the caregiver essentially i attract narcissists. Anyways I need some advice from looking in.
It's affecting me emotionally and therefore having an impact on me financially where I can't concentrate cuz I'm emotionally detached. I feel like I need to make a plan to leave and prepare for divorce so I don't end up paying alimony besides I don't trust her with the kids cuz she's an emotional record everyday and I never get emotional. Just today she was on top of me hitting me and my kids had to come in my room and pull her off me while I escaped and this is pretty much all the time where I have to leave my house and sleep in the parking lot or try to find somewhere to be and they started to see like the end of the relationship is near. She loves me a lot is obsessed over me I said she'll kill herself if I leave constantly almost every day and I love her very much too I will take a bullet for her. But to see my two daughters crying and getting anxiety over this makes me realize that it's not about me anymore it's about them and I need to think about a life without her you take custody I have been writing good journal and talking to me instances of her abuse. Got her on video hitting me just today and a bunch of other videos on the same thing so I'm getting ready but not sure what to do.

I just need some advice or common sense. I got nobody to talk to about this and no advise. Am I crazy for thinking of staying? She love bombs me for a few days and then splits on me constantly.
What are the negative implications of staying?

Right now I'm so broken and weak but my aspirations of a better life keep my hopeful

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!

Though the reason for your arrival is not a pleasant one, you truly have found others who have walked in your steps in the past yet have found ways to deal with the cycling craziness.  Take advantage of the collective wisdom we've gained in our years of peer support.

You mentioned both Borderline PD and Bipolar.  These are different but do exhibit similar behaviors.  Bipolar is largely a chemical imbalance but meds to help.  On the other hand, BPD is a mental health illness that impacts perceptions and the close emotional relationships.  So partners and children are impacted the most.  While meds may moderate the BPD behaviors somewhat, the best approach is intensive therapy from an emotionally neutral professional (a therapist) for years.  The challenge is that people with BPD (pwBPD) are in Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting and cycling between push and pull behaviors.

I feel like I need to make a plan to leave and prepare for divorce so I don't end up paying alimony besides I don't trust her with the kids... But to see my two daughters crying and getting anxiety over this makes me realize that it's not about me anymore it's about them and I need to think about a life without her...

It would be smart to quietly seek interviews or consultations with a few experienced family law attorneys to determine where you stand as an unmarried father with children approaching adulthood.  We we say "quietly" this means don't share what you learn with your partner... it is private and confidential for you.  Why not tell her?  Well, do you recall the old wartime saying, "Loose lips sink ships"?  If you share too much information (TMI) with her then she may find ways to sabotage your goal of finding relief for yourself and your children.

Am I crazy for thinking of staying? She love bombs me for a few days and then splits on me constantly.  What are the negative implications of staying?

The implications of staying will be continuing stress and chaos on both you and the children.

A few decades ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action, as appropriate, will enable your lives or at least a part of your lives to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that may be - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos...

Likely it would be up to family court to determine the details of how much time is spent by the minor children with each parent (until they become adults and age out of the family court system) but you as the reasonably normal parent need to seek as much time and authority as possible in custody and parenting schedules.