Hypersexuality from Quiet BPD Wife

[boundriesrus]

Let me ask some questions of the group:

1. If you told your spouse (man or woman, woman in my case) that you didn't want to have sex, how would your spouse act? Do they accept this? Do they continue to try, even though you said no, and clearly were not in the mood for it?

2. If your spouse's sexual behavior in regards to hearing the word no, started getting scary. Let's say you spoke to the spouse about their behavior and how they go about initiating sex, as it was starting to feel a bit "rapey". Their response was to refer to sexy time as "Rape Rape" for years, and you didn't want to push the matter, knowing they had been sexually assaulted in their late teen, early 20's, and was trying to be respectful of that trauma.

3. How would you feel if your spouse was SO overly gropey of you and your body, needing constant attention sexually, to the point where your toddler daughter thinks its a game and tries to mimic what mommy does, to daddies horror and being completely turned off to sex with anyone.

4. How would you feel if you asked your spouse, why do they insist on initiating sex "the exact same way every time for years, in a fashion that has yet to show a result...ie she initiates a certain way, and you ask why does she do that, when it has yet to work. Their response..."Im hoping that one day it will work..."

5. How would you feel that after you have sex with your spouse, they kept referring to their "happy tank being full" and would make this comment frequently after having sex.

6. How would you feel that, no matter how many times you had sex with your spouse, it never felt like it was enough to satisfy them?

7. How would you feel if you told your spouse "no" to sex for the first time, and they would sit and cry and scream, as a result?

This is how I feel right now...I just can't anymore. I don't enjoy sex anymore, I haven't in years. and she constantly puts it on me for not being able to "get it up now" and has me going to doctors and getting tested... thoughts? help? Already seeing counselor for sexual trauma and starting EMDR this week.

[Gerda]

This sounds extremely similar to my situation, only with the genders reversed.

For #1, my husband gets into a rage if I say no to sex with him. He hasn't actually physically raped/assaulted me yet, but he'll scream and yell, slam doors, throw things, and make threats. For example, once when my car was in the shop and I was borrowing his, I refused sex with him, and he said in that case tomorrow morning he won't let me borrow his car to get to work anymore and I'll have to just figure out how to get to work some other way. So I had sex with him.

#3: My husband taught our little daughter to point at my breasts and go "BOOBIES!" He thinks it's hilarious. I think it's mortifying and dread the day when she does that to one of her teachers or something.

#5: My husband likens sex to food, and says that if I deprive him of sex, it's like locking him in a dungeon and starving him.

#6: My husband says if he had it his way, he'd have sex every day, which is really pretty impossible for me to do. He says once a week is an absolute minimum he can stand.

So yes, I can relate. I'm just not sure if having the opposite genders in the situation makes it better or worse. My husband really leans into the excuse that he's a normal guy and of course normal guys want to have sex all the time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with how he's acting. What's wrong here is that I'm depriving him of what he needs.

I would imagine with a guy being forced to have sex with a woman, the cultural idea that guys want sex all the time might make the guy feel shame for even wanting to say no or not wanting sex sometimes.

But I've completely lost all sexual desire and haven't enjoyed sex in years. And it bugs me that some other people don't seem to understand why. I should get to say no. My body should belong to me and I should get to choose what other people do with it. Even if that other person is my husband.

I remember something out of a book on BPD I read explaining how they think, and one of the things that stood out to me was "It's your job to make me feel better." I think that with our spouses, sex makes them feel better when they are feeling bad, so they think it's our job to have sex with them whenever they are feeling bad to make them feel better.

And maybe it's like how some people with BPD turn to drugs or alcohol to make themselves feel better, but our spouses use sex that way. My husband also binge eats when he's stressed (he's seriously overweight - it's actually physically difficult for him to have sex at all), but I think he prefers sex as his way to make himself feel better because in his mind, it reassures him that I still love him. (Even though the only reason I'm having sex with him is because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I don't.)

I hate to say it, but I actually find it kind of sad and pathetic. Like, "I'm afraid you don't love me anymore, so I'm going to force you have sex with me because that's like forcing you to love me."

[boundriesrus]

HI Gerda,

I know the feelings all to well. yes to everything you said below.

It's funny how you mention that your husband stress eats, and is of a larger size and makes it more difficult to have sex. My wife is the same.  She keeps saying she "Needs" Sex, and gets physically upset...ie stress eating, or Constantly picking at her head, which has caused her hair to thin. Mind you the hair thinning had started before i met her, and attributed it to stress from her previous marriage (abusive) and thought that by giving her a low stress marriage (HA) would make it better. Then when we do have sex, she is walking around like the lead character in a Hallmark Xmas movie, as happy as one can be. Mind you...I haven't had sex since Sept of 2022 at this point. I just refuse to anymore. Especially when she said she wanted more kids and I immediately said no. She kept ignoring it and kept pressing forward, and then used the Mac of intimacy as an excuse for not going back on her birth control. Or even now with health issues for her on the rise, she has been told she needs to get an IUD to prevent cysts. She won't do it because even as of last Feb she was telling family members of mine she was still holding out for me to "give her another kid".

 For a good while it was really good, don't get me wrong. There have been plenty of good times. But when things get stressful, even by the slightest, she starts to spiral, cries, scratching her head (when she thinks others aren't looking) stress eats, or has (on the rare occasion) had a screaming fest in front o fem and our daughter about something usually very trivial. I do not engage on those times, as that never helps, and just gives them more reason for trying to blame me for their outburst.

Sorry for the tangent. I am very sorry you are going thru this. I hope that you are able to find strength in this forum, being surrounded by others in the same boat as you. Maybe one day you will find a way that allows you to be happy again. In the mean time, focus on shielding your kid from this as much as possible and plan an exit strategy. Sadly I do not think this situation is very sustainable, for either one of you. I wish nothing but the best for you moving forward.

[jaded7]

Let me ask some questions of the group:

1. If you told your spouse (man or woman, woman in my case) that you didn't want to have sex, how would your spouse act? Do they accept this? Do they continue to try, even though you said no, and clearly were not in the mood for it?

2. If your spouse's sexual behavior in regards to hearing the word no, started getting scary. Let's say you spoke to the spouse about their behavior and how they go about initiating sex, as it was starting to feel a bit "rapey". Their response was to refer to sexy time as "Rape Rape" for years, and you didn't want to push the matter, knowing they had been sexually assaulted in their late teen, early 20's, and was trying to be respectful of that trauma.

3. How would you feel if your spouse was SO overly gropey of you and your body, needing constant attention sexually, to the point where your toddler daughter thinks its a game and tries to mimic what mommy does, to daddies horror and being completely turned off to sex with anyone.

4. How would you feel if you asked your spouse, why do they insist on initiating sex "the exact same way every time for years, in a fashion that has yet to show a result...ie she initiates a certain way, and you ask why does she do that, when it has yet to work. Their response..."Im hoping that one day it will work..."

5. How would you feel that after you have sex with your spouse, they kept referring to their "happy tank being full" and would make this comment frequently after having sex.

6. How would you feel that, no matter how many times you had sex with your spouse, it never felt like it was enough to satisfy them?

7. How would you feel if you told your spouse "no" to sex for the first time, and they would sit and cry and scream, as a result?

This is how I feel right now...I just can't anymore. I don't enjoy sex anymore, I haven't in years. and she constantly puts it on me for not being able to "get it up now" and has me going to doctors and getting tested... thoughts? help? Already seeing counselor for sexual trauma and starting EMDR this week.

I've experienced this in my past relationship, and it was very confusing and painful to me.

1. She would get very angry, and some sort of 'fight' would happen. I say 'fight' because I don't know what it was about. I said no, I need to get
up really early in the morning and I'm really tired. Said with love and gentleness. ANGER and accusations follow. She, on the other hand, said no
on many, many occasions and in a very angry, snapping way. "WHAT DO YOU WANT!!" when I put my arm around her when we went to bed. "If you
want sex, touch me in a sexy way!!" As I snuggled up to her.

2. She would 'initiate' by saying "let's go to bed", walk to the room and disrobe, then point at me saying "hurry up!!" or just point at me saying
"get those off". No kissing, no loving. I felt like an object.

During sex she would snap at me, get angry, get exasperated..."oh my god, what are you doing!!?" and the like. Confusing me to no end
since I was approaching sex the very same way from the beginning when she told me it was the best sex she's had in 15 years. Confusing. Like,
why get angry during sex? It's fun...! It's connecting! I love you! Like...what?

I became very nervous about sex, really reluctant to initiate for fear of the snapping and anger, really afraid to say no for fear of the
snapping and anger.

[boundriesrus]

Thank you Jaded7, it's nice to know I am not the only one in this world who feels like they are in a messed up situation that you never really hear all that much about in the news. Thankfully my situation there isn't a lot of screaming and yelling, but have been at times, but mostly just crying from her trying to guilt me into giving in. I have never given in at that point, as I do not respond well to people crying in order to get what they want. Children act like that, my sister acted liked (most likely BPD too) and I refuse to give into that type of behavior. I get they can't control themselves, but I can, and don't have to cave to their demands. As I told her on multiple occasions as well..."since when have you ever seen me get an erection as a result of you crying. Don't you think this is a bit messed up?" Sex is supposed to be fun, exciting, loving and releasing. Ever since that day I have felt like a "delivery system for happiness" without taking into affect of how I might feel afterwords. I have not given into any time she has initiated sex in the past 7 years. If it happened, it happened when I felt no pressure. Which honestly was only a handful of times throughout the year, and usually in the morning, before my brain kicked into gear. Suffice to say nothing has happened since 2022, and honestly, Im ok with that. I am starting EMDR therapy today to help me get over the sexual trauma of this event, in hopes that by the time we get the divorce started and finished, that I will be able to try once more. Fingers crossed...

[wanderer11]

Interesting thread. I have seen similar types of reactions from my wife.

When she initiates and I am not in the mood she usually gets upset (pouts, looks sad, sometimes cries), keeps trying until I have to tell her to stop, or angry (leaves the room to sleep in another room, tells me I am not fulfilling my marital duties). I don't find any of these reactions very attractive.

On the other hand, when I initiate and she is not in the mood, she is surprised and confused when I respond with respect and understanding, she finds it difficult to believe that I can actually do this.

Over the last year she started complaining and sometimes crying when I was using protection. She would like only unprotected sex and will not consider birth control herself.

Some things she told me included; "it's not normal for married couples to use protection", "it will make your body feel better", "just take a chance, it will show me you care about this relationship", "if you do this, we can continue couples therapy"...

The end result; I don't feel like sex anymore, as after a year I'm trained to expect this reaction if we start. I'm so sad that we've basically stopped physical intimacy.

Before this sex was pretty regular, but also so were very specific requests and complaints on how/where/when etc. There was a wonderfully ironic paradox of "I would like our sex to be natural and spontaneous. Not after a bath, in the bed, in the morning or in the evening etc. etc."

I completely understand why you don't enjoy sex anymore!

[EyesUp]

This is one of the most challenging aspects of a relationships with disordered partner.

We don't need to explain the who/what/why of importance of sex - I think that's why when something feels "off" with sex, it's one of the clearest signals that something is off with the relationship.

Not to be glib, but if we substituted "sex" for something else in most of these questions, we may or may not perceive that something is off...  e.g.,

"If you told your spouse (man or woman, woman in my case) that you didn't want to have pancakes, how would your spouse act? Do they accept this? Do they continue to try, even though you said no, and clearly were not in the mood for it?"

In the case of pancakes, we tend to overlook whatever feelings we might have that something is off - everyone is entitled to their opinions and preferences, right?  So s/he doesn't like pancakes - no big deal - certainly not a game ender.  And many of us do this repeatedly, until we start to notice that our own preferences take a back seat, and our partner's preferences may or may not be consistent in the first place.

But with sex, there's a much stronger chance that we actually listen to what our body is telling us because our body is front and center in this discussion.

In my case, I experienced a number of concerning/disorienting/uncomfortable situations during my relationship with my uBPDxw.  Candidly, I'm not entirely comfortable going into the details, but high level:
- told that I must always initiate because she wanted to feel desired, attractive (obviously unbalanced - but honest - so I accepted it)
- told I didn't care about her if I had to pull an all nighter - for grad school, or later for work - instead of dutifully coming to bed
- informed after the fact when she went off birth control, i.e., no mutual agreement about getting pregnant (that one really stung)
- accused of infidelity because I travelled frequently for work (e.g., "you probably have a second family somewhere") - although it turned out that she had been pursuing/having affairs for the last 3+ years of the marriage (and an early rejection from an affair partner coincided with the first major splitting event)

Through all this, we somehow remained intimate. She was big on "make up sex" as a rug sweep maneuver. Dopamine is no joke.

I was conflicted and really struggled with what to do.  When I finally accepted that the relationship could not continue, I filed for divorce and that was when I stopped initiating sex. I was concerned about what would happen so I didn't immediately tell her I filed, I wanted to wait until I knew when she would be served.  All she knew was that I stopped initiating.  As I waited for the filing to work it's way through a backed-up court system, days turned to weeks. She responded to the perceived rejection - me not initiating sex - by filing for divorce herself. Unlike me, she filed electronically and her filing was received and processed before mine.

Ironically, this was a huge relief. She felt some agency, and her perception of rejection was never (fully) confirmed - officially, she rejected me.  I never told her that I filed first. 

The point is: In my case, the thing that finally ended the relationship was not filing for divorce (although, in time, that would have come into focus) - rather, it was withholding intimacy.

I'm not sure if any of this is instructive or reproducible. But I have sympathy for anyone who's struggling with this particular aspect of disordered relationships.

My suggestion is:  listen to your body.

[boundriesrus]

Thank you Eyes Up. It does help greatly and I am listening more to my body this week.

Also in our marriage counseling this week, this is THE week to tell her about the reason why I do not wish (nor can at this point) to be intimate with her anymore, and I know what that means for our marriage. Sadly I have to go out of town and have a hectic work schedule and then scouting events on weekend for our daughter, so I am truly worried about what she may do when I am not around. I have found out things I could not even imagine nor did she tell me about her childhood.

One day she threw away her childhood diaries (10 -18 years old or thereabouts). She admitted to randomly stealing things from stores, not sure why, then did it again the next day (most likely for the adrenaline rush). Then also for YEARS she was fantasying about another family being her actual Mom and Dad, and referred to them as her "Wish Family" and would keep tally of the Hugs and attention she would get from this Wish Family. If she didn't get any hugs or praise from her wish family, she would threaten herself in her diary to taking more and more vitamins in a week attempt to commit suicide. She NEVER mentioned anything along these lines while dating. Also wished her mother dead on almost a weekly basis, referred to her as the witch. Her rather was known as an idiot, or tolerable, when he wasn't screaming at her for whatever reason.

I only looked at her diaries after I saw them in the trash cans one day, and asked her why she was throwing away her child hod memories. She said, "She didn't need them anymore". It got me curious and I opened one up quickly to take a quick gander and saw some odd things being said, so I pulled them from the trash the next day when taking it out to the curb and read them while she was at work. It made me cry reading these, it was so sad at the neglect that was going on in her household (at least perceived) and I have a great amount of sympathy for her. I have not addressed this with her yet and am worried that if I did, if that would make things worse.

Recently ended up being diagnosed PTSD from the sexual trauma I described earlier and it explains the behavior and the panic I have felt whenever she had tried to touch me or if anyone gets near me in that sort of way. Got a massage for a father's day present from her last year, and felt REALLY uncomfortable while having it done and didn't really understand why, until now. I just thought it was me and my general anxiety issues that I have, but after spending a good amount of time in Trauma therapy as a result of my Narc business partner, I can see the triggers. It's just a screwed up situation and my family keeps poking me for a reason as to why I am debating Divorce. I have not told them the situation as of course it is embarrassing, especially as a man in today's society, as to letting this happen and not noticing the red flags up front. I just tell them we have some issues that cannot be fixed and you don't need to know anything else. Actually I did tel my mom I had PTSD...then she told me "I needed a second opinion" and "how do I know I actually have it?" Then let me go on the phone as she said "it sounds like your getting pissed, Ill let you go"...24 hours later she called and apologized for overstepping her bounds. Still...WTH?

[jaded7]

This is one of the most challenging aspects of a relationships with disordered partner.

We don't need to explain the who/what/why of importance of sex - I think that's why when something feels "off" with sex, it's one of the clearest signals that something is off with the relationship.

......

In my case, I experienced a number of concerning/disorienting/uncomfortable situations during my relationship with my uBPDxw.  Candidly, I'm not entirely comfortable going into the details, but high level:
- told that I must always initiate because she wanted to feel desired, attractive (obviously unbalanced - but honest - so I accepted it)
- told I didn't care about her if I had to pull an all nighter - for grad school, or later for work - instead of dutifully coming to bed
- informed after the fact when she went off birth control, i.e., no mutual agreement about getting pregnant (that one really stung)
- accused of infidelity because I travelled frequently for work (e.g., "you probably have a second family somewhere") - although it turned out that she had been pursuing/having affairs for the last 3+ years of the marriage (and an early rejection from an affair partner coincided with the first major splitting event)

Through all this, we somehow remained intimate. She was big on "make up sex" as a rug sweep maneuver. Dopamine is no joke.

......

My suggestion is:  listen to your body.

I think that's really good advice: when something feels off about sex. The weird objectification and ordering I described above had me feeling very strange, very early on, when it came to sex with my ex (the pointing at me, the just disrobing and getting into bed, etc), then the snapping at me during sex. It caused me to become very fearful about it with her, to the point of needed 'assistance' in the form of a pill....the first and only time in my life I needed that. I was just so stressed about it.

I feel like their is a type of fear of vulnerability with the BPD partner that makes them demand you initiate in order to make them feel wanted, and by the same token a feeling of control and power in rejecting. And then if you reject them by simply saying no, no matter how loving or kind you are, it makes them feel bad and then they have to attack you.

I think her requirement that you always initiate 'so that she feels attractive and desired' is a way of avoiding the vulnerability that comes with initiating, and at the same time making it something you need to do for her and therefore a way of putting 'if you cared about me' guilt into you.

My ex was a major, major feminist (which I support and I am myself) and I assumed that 'no means no' was something she embraced. I respected her no, and assumed she would likewise respect my no. Not the case at all, which I found super confusing. I know that if I told her a fictional story of a man who got really angry at his partner for saying 'no'  and started accusing her of things she would say that is horrible behavior, yet that's exactly what she did to me.

In a single weekend she rejected me 4 times, and each time I just said ok.

When our relationship was on the rocks, every time because she had exploded on me and yelled/put-down/mocked/mimicked me for hours as I JADED, she would then in a few days become very focused on getting our 'connection' going again and use it in conversations with me to entice me or get me to do something she wanted me to do. In no other context, ever, did she use sex or even seem to care about it except at the beginning of the relationship, which is part of the same thing of getting me to do something. Sex felt like a tool to manipulate me, to commit and fall in love in the beginning, to come back together after she'd berated me for hours.

She tried to get me to come on a foreign trip with her after one of her blowups, one I simply couldn't do because of my business. She repeatedly told me how much sex we'd have on the trip. I found it strange and not like her. She simply would not accept that I couldn't arrange my business to go on this trip, and would not accept that I made alternate suggestions on shorter trips I could do for her- "don't you dare suggest alternatives". When I finally told her no, after 2 weeks of bullying, she told me to simply close my business for a week!

After another blowup, a few days later she told me she wanted to come over to 'connect', she 'didn't want to lose that part of our relationship'. At this point I was very clear-minded and I told her that I didn't think we were ready for that yet after what was said and done. She DID NOT like that. She was immediately offended and told me she'd just come and find me after my work event, I told her no don't do that, I'll call you when I'm done. She repeated three times she'd just find me, I repeated three times no don't do that, I'll call you. She showed up anyway, was really mad at me and we were off and running until 3am with criticisms and putdowns.

[thankful person]

Hi boundriesrus,

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation.

I’m in a lesbian marriage and I believe my dbpdw to be hypersexual. She has a history of sexual abuse from a young age, though the memories are disordered and huge chunks of her childhood are missing. Some of what she says is hard to believe, but then why else would she be so messed up, and also used to be a severe self harmer. When we first met she had horrific ptsd nightmares that I struggled to wake her from. If it wasn’t for witnessing those I would have had more difficulty believing her.

My wife met and seduced me online when I was living on the other side of the planet (very long story). She enticed me away from a 15 year relationship with a man (stable but not happy). There were problems in my relationship with my wife before I even left him. Anyway, sexually things have been a disaster. My wife wants me to talk dirty to her, constantly send sexy message to turn her on, dominate and treat her roughly, all of which is not me and I struggle with it. She’s wants to be turned on by words not actions. She told me early on that the best sex she’d had was being raped. She has shame associated with this and struggles with orgasm. I physically can’t satisfy her because I’m not a man and also nowhere near as strong as her. I think if she wasn’t abused she wouldn’t have become a lesbian.

We have 3 young ivf children she carried and birthed and they all sleep in the marital bed with her and I’m in the spare room. We rarely have any sexual encounters. Early on before the kids there was pressure on me to never get any sleep and I was so tired due to working so hard due to suddenly not having a partner who could hold down a job. That’s the only time I’ve ever turned her down. When I do manage to seduce her with words and messages, she always has a reason I’ve ruined everything so it doesn’t end up happening. Or I’m boring and not doing what she wants.

She generally denies me affection because she’s not satisfied with our sex life so why should I get what I want? She says I am punishing her and she is suffering and I’ve made her suffer every day for years. I am not “allowed” to be spontaneously affectionate towards her. Exactly as Gerda said, she holds me responsible for not making her feel better. She also is overweight and comfort eats, spending lots of money we don’t have on food.

On the rare occasion we have a good sexual encounter, even if she doesn’t orgasm she holds me close afterwards and I feel so loved and wanted and forgiven. I feel like if this could happen regularly maybe we could both be happy and I could regain my confidence and love for her. But this has happened only a few times in the past year or so. I know the problems are all hers not mine but I persist in trying to fix them even though I know I can’t. My wife will not attend therapy and says she doesn’t need it and we shouldn’t be involving another person in our relationship and we should be able to improve things without another person’s input. She has also said she will leave me if I sought therapy on my own. I know I have the choice and it’s probably not true that she would leave me, but I never feel strong enough to go through with this, we have had a very rocky time for the past couple of years. I do fantasise about an easier life where we’re not together, but I don’t want to leave the kids (or try and take or even share custody of them).

[boundriesrus]

Thank you for sharing your story Thankful Person. These relationships we are in definitely are seeming, the more i think about it and see others experiences as well, that they are more trauma bonds, rather than equal partnerships. I told my wife on our first date what I was looking for. I was looking for a partner, not someone to take care of, of someone to take care of me, but for both os uf to take care of each other, have each others backs, no matter what the situation. She described herself as that person. Someone who was a hard worker and career motivated. This is what I wanted and made it very clear. No sugar coating. Then once her job closed down, she could never seem to get a decent gig again after that. Even with a masters degree, she was still struggling to get a job that paid over $36k a year. Living in a pricy area at the time, there is no way should would have been able to survive without someone else backing her financially. When I married her I took on all of her debt (60k worth, some from her previous divorce and the other was grad school tuition). Within the first few weeks of dating she told me all the horrible things she had encountered in college, in regards to sexual assaults and such, her previous marriage that was physically and emotionally abusive. I felt really bad for her and wanted to give her something better. So I kept on giving, she kept on taking and its been that way ever since, until last year I told her this wasn't working for me, then she flipped the love bombing switch back on and has been in "stepford" wife mode ever since. Nothing she says feels genuine, especially after having seen the previous 1.5 years in therapy from gaslighting abuse from my former business partner (found out he was diagnosed NPD/ASPD) so I had been armed with the tools already by this point in picking up in these love bombing fashions, having witnessed it first hand from the biz partner. It just infuriates me that she would do this, especially knowing what I had gone through, but in all honesty, I do not think she is aware of what she is doing, and that it is harmful.

I recently just discovered that she was throwing away her childhood diaries, I asked her why, she said she didn't need them anymore. It got me curious as if she was subtly reaching out for help or something, so I just cracked one open and the first page was describing the issues she was having with her parents, wanted her mother dead on a weekly basis, having underage cybersex with strangers online (at least once she wrote about), or her "Wish" family from Church. The wish family ended up being friends of her family, that she "Wished" was her real mom and dad, because she hated hers so much while growing up. She would normally keep tally of how many hugs she would get from her Wish Dad or Mom that day, and if she didn't receive the quota she put forth in her head, she would threaten herself with trying to OD on her one a day vitamins in order to attempt suicide (albeit a weak attempt, but nonetheless she is actively pursuing and thinking about it in an argument with herself.) Reading these pages (and subsequently taking al the diaries out of the trash and reading through them) made me seriously wonder who I had married, as these books were not lining up with what she had told me regarding her childhood. It worries me in the upcoming weeks, when we have to discuss her actions, of what she might do to herself as a result of all this coming to light. I feel horrible that she had such a neglective childhood while growing up, but I have always encouraged her to go see therapist if she needed to. Generally she would only go for a few weeks before finding an excuse as to why she didn't like the person she was seeing, or they gave her homework to do, or she was fine without them, or she would even put it on me at the time, stating, If I wasn't in therapy getting help for my issues, there was no point in her continuing her therapy. In the end, they only truly focus on their own needs, and when they are "focusing on our needs" most of the time it is a quid pro quo situation for just needing something for themselves. Not trying to be bitter about it, just seems to be the case most of the time. Best of luck on your relationship moving forward.

[thankful person]

Boundriesrus,

You told your new bpd partner what you wanted, and she said (very convincingly) that she was those things. I’m still so confused about this. I think because pwbpd’s feel so empty that’s where they gather the skills to appear, like a chameleon, to be exactly the person we’re looking for. I thought I found my twin flame and I still struggle to consider that maybe she’s not. It’s like it was the first time I’d ever felt truly listened to, truly understood. She promised me so many things, especially things my ex denied me. Turned out to be total bs most of it. She is far more controlling and far less kind than he was. I’m sure he’s over me now 10 years later, but I still think he’d be devastated to know exactly how dumb the path I took was. Still. She has given me kids which he always denied me. Somehow I can still believe that things are exactly as they are supposed to be.

[Turkish]

The hypersexuality is a wish to connect to feel validated. Rejection is invalidating. I've been there. A few years after divorcing the much younger guy my ex left me for (and had about 2 years of sexy fun time) now she's broadcasting on social media that she's embraced singleness and celibacy on her spiritual journey.

[violetlana]

My husband becomes dysfunctional if I don't have sex with him when he wants it. He sleeps all day, will get rageful, will ask repeatedly if I will do it over and over, he won't let go. And says the dysfunction is b/c he's starving for sex. He looks like a mess and he's just straight up weird if he doesn't get it when he wants. Plus he wants me to show that I enjoy it when I have "forced" myself. I've done it to keep the peace before so he doesnt go into a rage in front of my daughter. It's just awful. And I don't know if it will ever get any better.

[boundriesrus]

My husband becomes dysfunctional if I don't have sex with him when he wants it. He sleeps all day, will get rageful, will ask repeatedly if I will do it over and over, he won't let go. And says the dysfunction is b/c he's starving for sex. He looks like a mess and he's just straight up weird if he doesn't get it when he wants. Plus he wants me to show that I enjoy it when I have "forced" myself. I've done it to keep the peace before so he doesnt go into a rage in front of my daughter. It's just awful. And I don't know if it will ever get any better.

I am very sorry violetlana for the predicament you are in currently. It is definitely no fun, and the feeling of "being trapped" Im sure is just as miserable. I wish for you and your daughter that the situation improves somehow. in the mean time focus on yourself, and if able to, seek out a therapist to discuss this with. Mine has helped tramendously and EMDR is a godsend! LOL

I can easily say this...after the first year of marriage when the honeymoon phase would be traditionally slowing down a bit (maybe not multiples everyday type stuff) and she would essentially "reach over and put her foot on the gas pedal" to force it every time. I always got this weird sense of desperation, that she was getting something out of this than most people. Alas I only had a few partners before I met her, so I did not have much to compare it to. All I knew was something wasn't feeling right, and it was a serious turn off.

[SnailShell]

I dated a girl with bpd.
We both have the same faith background and agreed on our sexual boundaries at the start.

She pushed on them nearly every night… once, I asked her to stop something she was doing (which we’d already agreed was crossing a line); she said no and carried on, so I had to push her off.

She wouldn’t talk about it, because she felt like it was shaming her.

I tried to accommodate it because I thought it’s what she needed because of her trauma.

Looking back, it absolutely wasn’t okay, and I should’ve drawn a hard boundary on it..

I came away feeling used and even a bit violated… her following me around the house, touching me and kissing my neck when I was clearly trying to disengage… me locking myself in the bathroom for a short time and then insisting that we leave the house so that she’d stop.

Basically… I hear ya.

And it’s not okay.

Look after yourself and don’t hesitate to stand your ground - it isn’t okay, what she’s doing.

[boundriesrus]

Thank you Snailshell for sharing your experience.

I would like to thank everybody who has and continues to share more experiences regarding this. For years I kept this to myself and didn't talk to anybody about it until I went back to Therapy a few years ago as a result of the unknown PTSD symptoms. This particular discussion thread has been very supportive for me and does not make me feel so along having gone and still going thru it (with prep for divorce).

I too was filled with the same feeling after the "event"...she would ignore that the issue ever happened and when I bring it up in marriage therapy she goes "I would never do that, that is so unlike me" of which I told her, this is why we are in therapy and why I have been disinterested in sex for the past 6 years or so.

Violated is the perfect word I would use for the weird sexual advances. She would also act like a spoiled child thinking that it would be "cute" but just grabbing it, like a cat going after a laser dot. I to kept it to myself as I thought it was a weird thing that was a result of her previous trauma from her first marriage (it was abusive). Ultimately it all boiled down to me not recognizing that as a completely unacceptable behavior. Years of unwanted groping and sexual advances and asking everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) if we would be having sex that night/day. She was non stop. She said the only thing that would make her happy was getting it at least 3 times a day. I like sex as much as the next guy, but something usually made me feel weird afterwords. I thought it was just because she wanted me, but then started getting this feeling like she was getting something else out of sex...something not healthy... but I could never discuss it with her since every time I did she would gaslight me about it and said it was normal behavior and that she just loved me and need sex all the time because that was her "love language". She would use the same excuse to buy people xmas gifts when we were completely broke and undergoing a lawsuit against my former partners. It feels like every time I told her something she didn't agree with or want to talk about, that I was never heard and just ignored. She would also repeatedly say, in a child like voice, "I do what I want!" I know the reflags now and hoping the next phase of life will be better after a good amount of time for healing.