Sexual Identity issues and BPD

[VeronicaL]

Hi. I don't mean to come off ignorant and apologize if I do. I was just wondering that since BPD seems to focus on confusion of feelings and emotions, thougts, etc and so muhc instablity, is it 'usual' or 'common' or even a trait for a pwBPD to be conflicted about their sexuality?

I am asking bc I recently found out my ex, who I am pretty sure has Quiet BPD, has disclosed to someone that they are 'transitioning'. 
They made the announcment on their bday. They are changing their name, and leaving our area, all that I am not sure what else. Unfortnately this mutual person is ending the friendship, bc they just don't want to support this kind of thing..

My ex never told me the exact reason for the breakup initially, but said he has a huge problem he cannot tell me... it  he was ultra stressed about, (he would not disclose) and from what I can see it was most likely BPD, but also other stuff. Its the typical pattern---they drop friends, family, pets, clubs, schhools studies ,interests, etc.  I always also wondered if they  was struggling with identity mixed in. They are not gay I know that it seems to more to how they indentify themself. But I guess anything can change, but it does not matter to me anyway.

As far as us, he blindsided me, ignored me for a year. Came back compleetely frazzled not knowing how to fix things, disgusted with himself,  begging for the friendship, and didn't even know why we broke up, but still had this 'problem' that is causing is not to be togehter. They never dated anyoine after me. Its been almost 3 years since the final romantiuc breakup.   Unfortunately, they  also imploded/sabotaged our friendship last year with a really bizarre reasoning --stopped talking to me out of the blue, and within 2 weeks of that a famliy member suddenly died.  I never contacted them again not because I didn't care..It was just alot ( I had my own stuff going on top of it)

Now, a year later, They still ignore me, when they see me,  and now also ignore close friends of mine... even friends we both know. I think they have dropped their other friends too, as I dind't see any bday wishes that I normally see. And I always see them alone.

the whole thing makes me sad; I still care aobut this person on a friend level even tho they have not been a good friend.  I always will. Never mattrered to me their preference, size, color, etc. It was always the person for me. We were friends before we dated..

They always talked about the guilt for this 'problem' destroying us and I thikn it was hard for them to be around me, but I am hurt also to be ignored. They bruoght up many times after we broke up, upset bc he wanted to get married, and will suppposedly never  get over me but has to bc of this 'issue'. (Would not talk about)
Certain behaviors made me think they were fighting this and wanted it (gender issue) to go away. They have no idea I know. I feel bad the other 'friend' (surface level but still) he disclosed this to,  rejected his choice and to continue being freinds.

Anyway, I was wondering if this is a common theme bc I started to think about unstable emotions, etc. and just wondered.

Thank u for knowlege and info. I had also planned to reach out via a letter. It is all written, about his behaviors and how they affected me(the last implosion) but I haven't. That was before I found this out. I don't even know whether to address it or just do nothing. It sucks. Im not looking to get back together ofc...Im in a relationship../but it was someone I truly cared out and still do. I just worry bc mental stuff/ suicide runs in their famliy, which is why I never sent the letter. 

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[VeronicaL]

Ive known this person for 5 years. .Friends for about a years' we dated for 2 years; blindside and  ignored for a year; friends again for a year, as in spend a ton of time together and talking daily then ghosted the friendhsip....; now ignored for a year--now this happened.

[Notwendy]

I am not knowleageble about this topic either but I think it would be a challenge to figure out if a pwBPD was unhappy due to gender dysphoria or BPD, or possibly both.

It is possible that pwBPD may have both. It is also possible that, since a pwBPD has a poor sense of self- and that there is more awareness of this topic- they may think it's gender dysphoria and then assume that to transition is the one solution that will make them happy.

If a person were to have both gender dysphoria and BPD, then transitioning would not be a complete solution for their difficulty with emotions and relationships as they'd still have BPD. 

I think these questions are better addressed by psychological assessment. It's understandable that you feel blindsided after knowing this person for so long. It's also understandable that you hope they are making the right decision and that you feel concerned and uncertain due to their poor sense of self in general. I only know what I have heard/read about this topic and I think that a transition is done over time, beginning with a social transition before doing anything medical, so hopefully this may become more clear in time.

On your part- this is their decision to make and you don't have any control over this situation or decision. It's between your ex and their medical providers. PwBPD are still considered to be legally competent to make their own decisions and have medical consent.

[VeronicaL]

Sorry I think I am somehow misunderstood. I definintely am ok and happy whatever they want and I am actually not even questioning if it is the right thing for them. I can never judge that anwere. It very well could be or may not be. It has nothing to do with privacy, drs, all that.  I don't even care about any of that.  As I said, I am totally fine.

Maybe to add on to this-- This is a person who is so private that vulnerablity and abandonment scares them to death. They divulged this information to someone I would never think they would share more than what they had for dinner with..nothing below surface level. So that is what started me wondering if he is a crisis right now or is this something of a reality. Then I just started thinking about BPD generally..and I wondered this...

. This friend has alraedy told their 2 other friends..whereas I keep his stuff to myself. So, if its not real...I would just not want jim to tell the wrong people...For reference, I have seen them in crisis a few times and one of those times he was convinced he assaulted. me. at some point bc they are bad person..Ofc not true..BUT it just made me question if this is also a topic of BPD, or are they in a crisis.

To go furhter, if this was their choice and they were happy..I am all for whatever hes still the same person to me. Just hwen I heard the first thing I thought of is I hope hes ok bc of who the story was told to. He only rants like that when not doing well.

[Notwendy]

I understand- I think I also understand your concern. Why is this person anouncing this when they are usually private?

I think there are two aspects to this- one is- the person's identity- and I agree- we aren't making a judgment on someone's individual identity.

However, if someone has a poor sense of self, and a possible unstable sense of identity- then we may question - is this really something solid and stable for them?

What you are seeing in this person is a change in their usual personality and so this makes you wonder.

I'd be concerned if someone with BPD believed that transitioning would be the solution for their discomfort - but BPD was the actual reason. I would hope this was figured out before having any permanent medical changes.

So, I understand. How someone identifies, who they are attracted to, how they dress- all of this is their choice and not my place to judge.

What you are seeing that is concerning is a change in personality and behavior and you hope your ex isn't in crisis.

[VeronicaL]

Exactly. It was just atypical behavior, and I feel I notice his 'atpypicals'. I am not even thinking of the medicals, etc that would be wayyy out. Its a whole process so they are obv in the beginning if it is legit. Waayy beginning.

I guess if people told me here it was something they see w BPD--, then I would lean to maybe a crisis. I guess I should have added a sibling commited suicide last year. Siblings also have mental stuff going on.  That is my worry--If it is .  That is what he wants-great// But I guess I am wondering or break no contact (don't really want to) to give a hey how are you, etc, what's up bc I guess I don't want them to spiral or something happen to them either.  I also dont want them toi leave university- they had told this person they are doing that too due to the transition stuff.These impulsive statements happen in a crisis..Though, that is typical of them, to just abruptly stop interests, pets, people, etc. But again, that is ashame too- they have hardly any time to finish the degree .

[Notwendy]

I think if he was in crisis- there's little you can do. You mentioned you are not in contact with him.  It is also important to note your own feelings- you don't want to break NC.

Reading this "the bridge" might help https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

For your ex- his recent behavior may be a search for possible solution for his poor sense of self, emotional and relationship troubles. It could be that he takes on this identity for a while and then decides it does or doesn't help.

There's no way to know at the moment. I think time will tell on this one. If you see evidence of self harm, you can call someone to intervene, 911, or his friends to check on him. A crisis would require professional help.

[VeronicaL]

Well, actually- he now doesn't have any friends anymore. Slowly but surely pushes all away perhaps to reinvent himself.  Im not in contact but see each other alot.

[Notwendy]

It's up to you then, to decide what you want to do about reaching out to him.

[VeronicaL]

Actually I was planning to give him a long overdue letter- from last year. I only withheld it due to the death of the sibling.  I felt very guilty to add that on.  Its been a year since then. My plan was to give it in November-then the mutal told me the transition story. I think I am going to give it anyway. I've been a very compassionate friend but there will always be something. If he could ignore  w his bad behavior to me, then I guess he will have to deal w the letter and all else about the transition. My caring side hates to see people I care for have difficult stuff going on and I dom't like to make it worse but..

[Amina]

An unstable sense of identity can cause someone to feel unsure at some moments, but I don't think its primary in BPD.  One guy I know that was cluster B was sort of bixsexual, but really it was a largely needing the attention with a slight lean.  Another cluster B guy I know is very heterosexual and would not be swayed.  I don't think cluster B's 100% lack identity, most of them have some/a few parts of their personality that are consistent, such as loving sports, or film, etc.