Adult son rules my life!

[NoSOS]

Hi all, first post.  I’ve had an epiphany this week reading “Stop caretaking the BP/NP…” Every professional and friend consulted to date has said it is time for me to prioritise myself and enable my son to learn from his mistakes instead of hovering behind him cleaning them up for him.  Honestly I am exhausted and do not want to carry on like this.  I have completely lost my sense of self (see username) and honestly believed until incredibly recently that there was absolutely no point to me unless I am devoting all my time, energy and money to protecting my son and everyone around him from the results of his BPD.  Has anyone on here had experience of putting new boundaries in place and trying to rediscover themselves.  It has been so horrific I have honestly wanted everything to end.
Thanks for reading x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
Thanks for reaching  out. Yes, we can relate. I am  currently estranged from my adult son due to him crashing through my last boundary- he was violent to me. Good for you for realizing we have to put us first when dealing with another adult, even one with BPD. You don't  mention if he still lives with you, but either way, this is a must.  Please write to as as often as you have need.  Meanwhile , read through the website as it as good info.

[NoSOS]

Thanks for replying, my son does not live with me although he lives in a house that I own and maintain and pay bills for.  He doesn’t work and was thrown out of my partners home for being violent five years ago. He is 25.  I have had to retire early from my career due to my poor mental health and he is really stretching my resources so I have to start trying to make him more independent of me, for his sake as well as mine. I am just dreading the fall out.  There are not many publicly funded mental health services available here and I cannot afford private care for him or myself. I am basically alone as I hide a lot of his behaviour from my partner and family. I divorced his father many years ago (he is a narcissist and a probable cause of some of my sons issues, though I do not see myself as blameless in all of this).  He can be physically and verbally abusive when triggered so I have always just given in and tried to sort all of his problems for him to maintain some peace. 

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi.

Yes, I am in this exact place with my udd - learning to put boundaries in place.
I started small - I put my phone on "focus" around 9 and she can text or call but I don't answer until morning.  I know that seems simple, but it was hard.  I'm used to being "on call". 

I'm now working on no abusive language.  This one was going well - until tonight and while it feels like a step back, I know it's just her rebelling against the new rule.

It's exhausting but you can do it!  The people here have so many great suggestions and experience.

[Sancho]

Hi Nosos
My tendency was to walk in front of my DD clearing the path of foreseeable obstacles that I knew would be cause of a crash.

The thing is that I think these ways of supporting are valid when our children are younger, we are struggling to help them find their way in the world, even though we know it is not going to conform to the usual timeline we still work hard to support and enable any small step that they are able to take.

At some point in time we have to move from this mode to a different one because it comes to a point where we might be enabling the dysfunction rather than trying to support the adult child in being functional in the world.

I like AlwaysAnxious' plan of identifying steps and working through them. I think this has more chance of the person becoming more independent and sitting with their emotional turmoil until they are able to come to work their own solution. It can be two steps forward, three steps back of course, but holding the line on whatever small step you want to take is what is important I think.

I had to 'separate' emotionally from DD before I was able to step back. At the moment I am going through a difficult period because DD has had many challenges this year - court stuff and medical stuff - and my anxiety and wanting to clear the boulders from her path really raged back at me. But I did manage to keep to a supporting role and she got through a lot of it.

Now she has been in her room for the past 4 weeks or so and I am getting anxious that she might sink low in depression and  . . . well anything could happen.

But I am holding the line in my mind whenever the thoughts start to race . . . . I can't control this, I can't cure it.

[NoSOS]

Thank you all for your responses, they are really appreciated. Although it’s not great to find out that others are suffering the same way I am, it is immensely comforting to not be alone anymore.  The penny has just dropped this week after at least 15 years of just wondering what the hell was going on and what I have done to deserve this - this is BPD, undiagnosed but real.  Sancho, I will try to repeat the mantra “ I can’t control this and I can’t cure it” Stop Caretaking by Margalis Fjelstad is a great book and is helping to open my eyes. I’m constantly vigilant for problems that may trigger crises in my BPD son and, same as you, acting like a mine sweeper, taking out problems before they impact him and sometimes taking the ‘hit’ for him.  As you say i am enabling him to remain dysfunctional by doing so. It’s sad but it helps to see this as a chronic mental illness that I cannot sweep in and rescue him from.  All I have been doing is sacrificing my own life and hopes whilst in the FOG.
I am wondering about the possible benefits of paying for a diagnostic assessment for my son - it seems nearly impossible to get the NHS in the UK to offer this or treatments without diagnosis so they keep you in a catch 22 situation.  I know we are lucky to have a NHS but mental health services are lagging so far behind the growing needs of the population they are functionally worthless here. 

[Sancho]

The issue of getting a diagnosis is complex - rather like the rest of BPD!

Usually a diagnosis is really important because it is the beginning of the possibility of an established treatment which would include a variety of specialists etc. You can think of a variety of both physical and mental illnesses as examples - cancer; schizophrenia, bipolar, arthritis etc etc.

It is a different situation with the personality disorders. CBT is something that helps many BPD sufferers identify the triggers to their emotional distress and learn to practice strategies that help them control the emotional explosion that they experience.

Also people with BPD may rate high on symptoms of anxiety/depression or other conditions. So getting a diagnosis can be very helpful if there are medications for other aspects of the condition or co-morbidities. For example my DD has a high level of anxiety and depression and when she takes a low dose of a common SSRI she is much more regulated ie the level at which the BPD emotional response occurs is much higher.

But will she continue taking them? No!

So that's one thing I have let go of. I used to be totally focused on getting DD to a doctor, getting some meds and getting her to take them. After several trips around that cycle I have stopped.

You know your son very well so you will be able to think about how likely it is that DS will agree to an assessment/accept the resulting diagnosis and be prepared to follow through with the options available.

Sometimes if you see there is a high level of anxiety you could just approach DS on that issue to see whether treatment for that has a positive effect on the other aspects of his condition.

When my DD does take medication for anxiety etc, it it interesting how clear the BPD aspects of her condition are .

There is another point - and one I held on - and that is the evidence shows the intensity of BPD symptoms can lessen in the 4th decade ie in the thirties. I notice DS is 25 so there may be a change within those years.

I am sorry this is not more helpful.