Self-care/ focus

[Jkc]

Hi,

We have gone through a whole saga of crisis and saga of drama and strife over the last few months as I've posted recently.

Positives -dd18 did initial joint therapy session with me last Friday (messy -she said she was disassociating and couldn't drive far but actually went home and did telehealth with me and therapist in office.... So it was something). As far as I know she did individual therapy Monday.

Beyond that .. she's intermittently swinging past home, intermittently getting meds, mostly herd to ask for gas $. Supposedly has been hired at a job (health aide) but don't know if she is actually onboarding. She has been staying at friend's apartment 95% of the time.

Clearly I have a billion concerns. However not having conflict and her location is on and she generally responds with at least a one word text. Low bar is ok right now?

We have a lot of stress with needful focus on a new business (husband with my increasing admin supt) and a 15 DD also struggling with mental health and sh... But she is actively striving to get better and get ahead academically, physically (new athlete), and mentally... And she is a minor and has been in sister's shadow for years so it's absolutely fair to really focus on support for her right now.

My question --- I kinda vacillate between being overly busy scrambling and having time on my hands. (I part-time work at home production seamstress). I drive dd15 to school and sports practice and do majority of household cooking cleaning mental labor.

I have a therapist but completely have not been able to be consistent with gym or food. I know it's not helping my coping. Dd15 is better but all of last year was serious eating issues from both anxiety and med side effects. Hubby is a fast metabolizer. In the past dd18 is around she gets irritated if I make food she doesn't like or if there isn't food she would be mad but also sometimes when I did make food she would not be hungry.... So I'm really exhausted with the whole food prep and mental labor of trying to feed 3 other people.... And I just don't do what I need to eat at that point..  cause eating to lose weight/be healthy actually takes a lot of work and I'm tired.

Also not sleeping great..stress and perimenopausal and everything right.

50#+ overweight... Regain over the last 2+ years after getting healthy. (I've yo-yo over the years -- I'm only successful with consistent efforts that include weight lifting and a lot of eating awareness and planning --- hella big time commitments).

I feel this cloud over my shoulder constantly... Just waiting for me to have to react to  something.

How ... Do you dig out yourself when your environment is so tough and inconsistent??

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there Jkc,

Wow, you seem to be clear-headed even though you're under enormous pressure right now.  I totally understand the multiple pressures--a tough job, financial pressures, a kid with BPD, other kids and a spouse to care for, and maybe an elderly parent, too.  By juggling so many obligations, and handling the stress of BPD "episodes," it's so easy to feel lost and depressed.  Worse, your mental and physical health might suffer, which only compounds your woes.

I think I was about where you are, for a period of two to three years when stress was at a maximum.  I think I wrote you that during those years, I had to truly focus on self-care, in order to survive.  For me, that meant eating right, exercising and getting sleep.  I know how hard it is to focus on that, when people and strife are tugging at you, and because you can't delegate sleep or exercise.  Maybe something you could do is just focus on one element of self-care every day.  Like today, no matter what, you're going to lie in bed for eight hours and get some rest.  To achieve that, you forgo screens, you turn off your phone notifications, and you ignore any demands from your "roommates."  You leave dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor if you have to.  Then once you get a little sleep, you can deal with things more effectively the next day.

Maybe another thing you could try is to get non-essential tasks off your plate right now.  Maybe you could start right there, with your plate.  Maybe you could use paper plates, plastic cups and plastic utensils for a week, so that you don't have to deal with any dishes.  Give that a try for a week and see if you free up an hour or two that you could devote to exercise or cooking a proper meal.

One aspect that has helped me through the years is adopting a strict routine, to make decisions more "automatic" and to free up time and mental bandwidth for the tough stuff.  For example, on weekdays, I basically ate the same breakfast and same lunch every day; on weekends I'd change things up.  My weekday breakfast consisted of fruit and nuts--no cooking or utensils required!  I found that a mix of fruit and nuts (e.g. a clementine, some raspberries and a handful of walnuts) was not just satisfying, but generally healthy, with a good mix of carbs, healthy fats, fiber and protein to start the day.  I could assemble my breakfast in under two minutes!  My lunch was a salad with protein (e.g. grilled chicken, or a hardboiled egg and 1/3 can of beans), plus a Greek yogurt (i.e. high protein yogurt) for dessert.  This "workday meal regime" was easy to shop for (same types of ingredients each week) and easy to prepare:  I boiled eggs over the weekend, and I assembled salads ahead on Sunday and Wednesday nights, so I could "grab and go" in the mornings.  Plus, these meals made me feel full, and I wasn't bored, because I'd switch up the ingredients every week.  In addition, this regime helped me maintain a healthy weight.  Even if I had pizza for dinner, I knew that my breakfast and lunch were healthy overall, and my body was getting the nutrition it needed.  Basically, 10 meals per week (about half) were "programmed" to be healthy, increasing the probability that I ate well overall.  My general tip is, if you're feeling tired, increase your protein intake at breakfast and lunch.  In addition, if you're taking your lunch to work, invest in the right containers!  I love the glass containers with glass and silicone lids by Pyrex.  They wash and dry completely in the dishwasher, and they can go in the microwave and freezer.  In sum, I was operating on "automatic pilot" for about half of my meals, and that really helped me keep my head above water.

Another tip is to keep in mind some stress relieving activities that you can do quickly and easily.  For me, a great stress reliever was taking a stroll for a few minutes.  Maybe you like to play a cheerful song, or do quick stretch, or jump rope, or meditate, or take some deep breaths.  I like "box breathing" and the "five senses grounding technique;" you can search for these terms on the internet.  Sometimes chewing gum can relieve some stress for me.  At work, buying some gum and offering a piece to nearby colleagues was basically a social act of stress relief for me--a little, simple break in a stressful day.  If you keep a range of quick and easy stress-relievers in mind, you can call on them whenever you feel overwhelmed.

Finally, one thing that worked for me was to invest in a gym membership.  I say "invest," because the gym membership was a cheap form of therapy for me.  Though I didn't go all the time, it was my Plan B.  My Plan A was to hike outdoors.  Plan B came into play whenever the weather was bad, or it was dark.  Since I had a Plan B, it was harder for me to skip regular exercise.  And I viewed exercise as important.  I scheduled it in my planner just like a business appointment.  Over time, I found I was looking forward to exercising, because it made me feel better.  As I aged, I found that it didn't matter that I couldn't sustain the intensity that I achieved when I was younger.  But I found that lower-intensity workouts (walking counts!) were more enjoyable for me, and because they were more enjoyable, I found myself doing them more often.  My goal was to get a minimum of one hour of exercise per week.  But I found that 2.5 hours worked best for me.  That basically boiled down to one hour each Saturday and Sunday, plus a half hour session during the week.  I recommend that you put yourself first and shoot for that, and if you're anything like me, you'll start to feel a little better.

All my best to you.