Let's talk about our fears. Can we define them?

[findinggratitude]

In another thread I started about my ex contacting me after a period of 3 months during which she obruptly broke up with me, went NC and disappeared, I have noticed a theme of fear coming up quite a bit, and have thought about the role it played within my relationship with my ex, as well as in its aftermath (and spiked by her email).

I knew throughout the relationship that fear was the primary dictator of affairs on both of our ends. And it made me uncomfortable and anxious the entire time. I also think it was precisely that fear that kept me so attached, in some ways the physical element of the relationship was the only thing that quelled the fears, or we USED it to soothe fear in different ways, especially after a major misunderstanding or miscommunication. So, that would make me more "attracted" to her as a result, because while she caused these huge spikes of anxiety in me, she was also the one to "take it away".

Anyway, during the relationship I noticed that I was constantly in fear of "what she might do next." She was not someone who raged, and is probably a "quiet" version of the disorder (though she was not at all sexually promiscuous and didn't cheat). My fears were always in not doing enough, or doing something wrong, just by existing a I am. I could not, ironically enough, do enough, EVER, to squelch her own fears of abandonment, which caused fear in me of her judgement and suspicion and misinterpretations, which were constant and shocking. I was often fearful of what she might "do", as in show-up unannounced, contact my friends and family mining for details of my life (none of which I was hiding, but I was afraid her her looking crazy to them, which would then reflect on me), going through my phone, which she did constantly looking for "evidence" and ALWAYS finding it because she wanted to, it served her disordered mindset, even though there was none there. So, I was afraid of having to explain every action or text I made and what it meant, afraid of going places where she would then suspect I was "up to something" (she would insist she believed I wouldn't cheat, but was always afraid of me having any connection with anyone else. Everyone was a threat. Everyone.). I was afraid of her constant tears and of not being able to explain myself in a way I would be understood. I was afraid that she would never give me any space when we were together; I honestly had to peel her off of me a lot of the time, or "send her home" after days on end of being together to the detriment of my interests, job, other friends, etc, because it had to be this intense 1:1 experience with her the entire time, and she had some social anxiety that inhibited her from being able to do much in the way of me integrating her with other aspects of my life.

Anyway, I recognize now my fear is more vague, and, I guess, existential. As in, "Who really was this?" "What just happened here?" "How did I get so lost?" And in the context of her recent contact and extreme shift in behavior and tone,  "What am I dealing with now?" I am realizing that my fear in either responding or not responding to her relates to truly having no template as far as what her typical behavior or response might be because the person I met, versus the person who left me, are entirely different. So, when dealing with someone who appears to honestly have no "self" from which to generate behavior, I am deeply nervous, STILL, about "what she might do" and given my experiences both in the relationship (during which time some of her behavior I was able to "manage" or "contain"....she and I literally spoke about this, that's not just me saying I did it) and now out (where I have NO control over what she might do) I realize I have this recognition that she can, and might, do just about anything. And that's unsettling!

I'm curious about other people's thoughts and experiences with this.

[PearlsBefore]

On the issue of her jealousy over everybody, I just have to laugh because my dBPDx really surprised me pre-marriage by getting really violently upset and near-hysterical because she was jealous of how I joked around and played and laughed and sat next to adult siblings . I grew up with a passle of siblings, she was an only child who then resented and mistreated an adopted child her family took in when she was a teen. But it was just so bizarre to me, I can understand "no friends with exes" or even "no female friends", but this wasn't just jealous of "me and the boys time", this was ROMANTIC jealousy she was projecting onto just adult siblings laughing while playing boardgames, watching movies and gossiping about their respective lives.

Life in a BPD's mind is wild, very sad, but wild.

[findinggratitude]

This happened to me too! I am very close to my brother and sister, not geographically, but when we do get together we slide right back into familiarity and laughter and my ex HATED it. She also hated the "siblings" ongoing text thread we had going on constantly.

In the meantime, she has one sister with whom she is completely estranged. The sister stopped having anything to do with her when she was a teenager and has not physically spent time with her ONCE since and will not speak on the phone with her either. And this is not from my ex's lack of trying. They will very rarely text, but that's it. I find this very telling.

I have often thought of finding and contacting the sister just because my ex could never say why this estrangement occurred. It's to the point their mother has to have two Christmases, one with each daughter.

Interestingly, that was the first red flag I saw very early on.....

[peace-please]

I’m newly out of a marriage with a uBPD spouse (who has bipolar as well).  I think about the fear a lot, mostly fear of reactions, anger, emotionally abusive behaviors, splitting on others, and her destabilizing to the point of harming herself.

Your post makes me realize there were so many additional layers/drivers of fear, anxiety, and dread to unpack (yes to several other ones you mention). The three-ish weeks on my own have been helping to calm my nervous system down. Of course, ongoing communications, separation logistics, legal steps are all very loaded with fear (especially since the fear of abandonment and I was the one who left).

I was communicating with my lawyer this evening on a couple of edits to documents that are essentially about reactivity management not substance. I was thinking “what was that movie about the bomb guys? Oh yeah, Hurt Locker.”

Things have gone a bit better than I anticipated after the initial days. I also found myself thinking in regard to the lawyer: “if our process ends and you are left thinking I was overthinking things, her behaviors aren’t a big deal, and that maybe I have some anxiety issues or something, then we have achieved an incredibly good outcome.”