Grief

[Cpv]

So… we haven’t had the diagnosis for my adult daughter, age 33, for BPD for very long…only about three months. But it explains so much of the pain she has been through. She’s in therapy, but is facing the loss of her apartment. If it happens I can only imagine her devastation. Somehow she still trusts me and her dad. We love her dearly. But coming to terms with this is so incredibly sad. All she’s been through, especially as she looks fora relationship to fulfill her desire to have children. So many things have happened in this past 20 years, for her and for us. It’s devastating. I try to have hope, but on this rainy cold day I just can’t see any. I’m ok. She’s ok. I guess I go from there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Cpv and a warm

Getting a BPD diagnosis is a big deal, and the fact that there is a real explanation for your D33's struggles may bring some hope to all of you. Many (though not all) pwBPD and their family members do feel a sense of relief at getting assessment results, diagnoses, and treatment plans -- the pieces (which you probably have noticed and lived with for decades) are all falling into place.

She’s in therapy, but is facing the loss of her apartment. If it happens I can only imagine her devastation.

The fact that she's in therapy sounds positive; from what you hear, does that seem to be going OK? Has your D33 been accepting of her diagnosis and engaging with treatment?

How long has she been living independently? What led up to the potential loss of her living situation?

Somehow she still trusts me and her dad. We love her dearly. But coming to terms with this is so incredibly sad.

What a gift that she trusts you two. It sounds like her BPD manifests in other ways (than conflict with parents)?

And it is a tragedy that she is coping with a serious and impairing mental health challenge, especially one that shows up relationally and emotionally. Nobody wants that for their child and nobody wants that themselves... it is a loss of the life you all wanted for her, and that's a real thing to grieve and process.

Does she express her sadness to you? If so, how do you typically respond?

All she’s been through, especially as she looks fora relationship to fulfill her desire to have children. So many things have happened in this past 20 years, for her and for us. It’s devastating. I try to have hope, but on this rainy cold day I just can’t see any. I’m ok. She’s ok. I guess I go from there.

Part of the "dialectic" of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is balancing the tension between Acceptance (or maybe Radical Acceptance) and Change. So often we want to rush right to the Change part -- changing things to make our loved one's life better, changing our loved one, saying "Sure, you're sad now, but don't you have so much to live for?", etc. It's hard to Accept the current pain and be in it in the moment...

but without Acceptance (things are how they are, and they are difficult), Change isn't possible.

I'm curious if you and your husband have some support for either of you individually, or both of you together, as you take in this huge and saddening news about her BPD diagnosis? It's hard stuff, and so hard to go through alone.

We'll be here for you on your journey;

kells76

[CC43]

Hi there Cpv,

When my stepdaughter got a BPD diagnosis in her early 20s, it was pretty rough, considering all that she had been through. I bet that you and your daughter have been through an awful lot by now.  Maybe I'm a hopeful person, but what I learned when I initially read up on the BPD diagnosis is that BPD is treatable with therapy.  That can be really good news, provided that your daughter buys into therapy, and that she sticks with it, along with recommended medications (if any).

On these boards you'll find all sorts of stories and advice, including coping tactics.  You might also see stories of other parents' journeys with BPD.  I bet some of the stories might sound familiar, as the hallmarks of BPD--emotional dysregulation, moodiness, victim mentality, unstable/volatile relationships, fear of abandonment, distress intolerance, excessive negativity, impulsiveness, rage (directed outward and/or inward)--seem to be fairly common.  There might be co-existing conditions as well, including anxiety, depression and addictions.  Sadly, many of the posts here can seem to be discouraging and depressing.  Dealing with frequent "adult temper tantrums" and self-sabotaging behaviors can be very taxing for the entire family.  I'll add that, since it's holiday season, the holidays can be an especially stressful time for people with BPD.

However, I'd like to give you some hope.  My stepdaughter has fought back from a pit of despair, anxiety, self-hatred, self-medication with marijuana, failure in school, inability to work, the loss of all her friends and estrangement from everyone in the family at one point or another.  But once she decided to take therapy seriously and follow doctors' recommendations, she was able to get back on her feet.  Though progress wasn't in a straight line, she got back on track, and she has been building positive momentum.  Now she's doing pretty well, and her life has regained some normalcy, with resumption of school, work and friendships.  She has successfully lived independently for several months now, something that seemed nearly impossible a short while ago.  Though she still hasn't repaired some important relationships yet, she has made significant progress in various areas.  Ongoing therapy and parental support have been critical, but I don't want to ignore the tough work that she has done on herself.  I'm hopeful that she'll be able not just to survive, but to thrive.  She still ruminates about her supposedly terrible childhood, but she's looking forwards more than backwards now.

I hope you see that it's never too late to turn things around.  In addition, I hope you take care of yourself.  If you are overly stressed out, you might not be thinking straight, let alone acting as a source of strength for your daughter.  And she doesn't hate you--that's just BPD talking.

All my best to you.