Christmas with Toxicity between siblings

[Just2Much]

So my 20 yr old daughter has BPD, finally diagnosed this year. To say this year has been a struggle is a huge understatement! Daughter broke up with serious boyfriend, which was a MAJOR ordeal, in April. This was the same time my 18 yr old son started dating a girl. They are still together.

Unfortunately, since my daughter has lost all connection with friends, and no longer had the boyfriend, she super fixated on her brother and felt the new girlfriend takes up too much of his time. This has only gotten worse every passing month where daughter is having screaming bouts at my son making false accusations about the GF and saying horrible, hurtful things, which has made my son not want to be around at home.

My daughter’s anger came to a head this weekend at a family Christmas party, thankfully after all the guests had left, by blowing up at the GF. I told my kids tonight that once my son got home from work they had to work this out so we could enjoy Christmas. Well, it got worse! More accusations, more screaming, more lies, more anger, more hate!

I cannot imagine not having my kids go to Christmas Eve family dinner at my in laws, or not still coming downstairs to open presents together. I just don’t know what to do! I’m just so defeated, and sad that if this keeps up I’ll lose my son in the process!!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Trixiecarol]

Hi J2M
I'm sure there will be tons of people reading your post who know what you are going through.

I have 2 kids in their 30's, but it's the other way around - my son has BPD and my daughter does not. So we've had about 20 Christmases in the shadow of the disorder! I look back at the few photos I have where all 4 of us are together and marvel. How did we achieve that? I'm aware that my son has to prepare himself diligently to cope with family celebrations.

Family get togethers, holidays and birthdays seem to be very triggering. Feelings of worthlessness and shame seem to rise up uncontrollably. I lower expectations waaay down. I now expect trouble and I'm pleasantly surprised if there is none. Acceptance is key.

And the sibling rivalry and jealousy....OMG. It doesn't help that my daughter is the golden child. Her presence is a constant reminder of everything he doesn't have and every failure and disappointment.

Even though your daughter's relationship breakup was in April, I guess it must be triggering for her to see her brother's success in that area.

The only way I know to cope with all this is to be as loose and flexible as I can over the holidays. If I was to place any
 of my own expectations into the mix, it would make things worse. I make time to have a little cry and acknowledge the grief that I'm experiencing, while knowing that so many others are going through the same thing.

Oh, and when there is a celebration and the pwBPD isn't present, don't post it on social media!

[CC43]

Hi there,

Indeed holidays are triggering. The previous poster is spot on—seeing others happy is a reminder to the pwBPD of all their disappointments and failures, and they can easily self-destruct.

My stepdaughter has BPD, and I cautioned my husband not to expect her to spend Christmas with her siblings this year, even though we both think the BPD daughter’s avoidance behaviors are getting a little old. Whereas the siblings have romantic relationships, degrees, jobs and their own apartments, she doesn’t yet, because her BPD set her back in terms of « adulting. ». Since she’s not on equal footing with the siblings, I don’t think she can handle seeing them yet. In her mind, they are abusers, and though she has accused many other people of abuse too, that disconnect doesn’t register with her yet. So the current plan is to have a separate Christmas celebration with just the BPD child on another day, probably Friday. That’s what we did last year, and she avoided a meltdown.  It’s best if she avoids the extended family, too, because somebody will ask her about school or work or dating, and that will trigger her intense feelings of inferiority. Even asking « How are you? » could be triggering. She’ll think people are being invasive, insincere, condescending or insulting. I try to avoid triggering her by not asking questions about her life (which make her feel defensive). I’ve learned to say things like, « Merry Christmas!  It’s great to see you. That sweater is beautiful on you. ». In other words, my tip is, if you do see your relative with BPD, keep things light and in the moment. Asking about their situation or the future (no matter how curious you are) could be triggering. And make sure to lavish them with attention. Siblings who command attention when they speak of their own « perfect » lives could be triggering too.

My hope is that once the BPD stepdaughter graduates college, she’ll feel more equal to the siblings. She might be able to shed her current identity of being the poor little abused girl who is trying to recover from multiple traumas (mostly invented by her), to one of successful graduate and employee in her chosen field, who has succeeded after overcoming some mental health obstacles. But I think she has some way to go still. If she stays on track, she might very well get there, because she has come such a long way already. Many prior Christmas were marked by meltdowns, huge fights and storming off. I think we’re likely to have a nice little quiet get-together just with her. Fingers crossed.

I’ll wrap up (no pun intended) with how we handle holiday logistics. PwBPD might not like to feel the pressure of planning or making commitments they might not keep. So instead of asking whether or when they will visit, I say something along these lines:  « We’re hosting family on Christmas Day. We’ll do presents in the morning and dinner around four. We’ll have cookies and snacks all day. Please feel free to stop by any time you want.  We’re making a large ham and we’ll have plenty of leftovers. The siblings are leaving Friday morning, and we plan to have a dinner of leftovers on Friday. You’re welcome to come then too if you’d like. ». That gives the pwBPD some options, letting them know who is around and when, and the choice is theirs whether they stop by or not. 

I wish you happy, meltdown-free holidays.