Childhood keepsakes and an odd request

[ViolaUndecided]

My daughter Kim wBPD (mid 30’s) contacted me via email several weeks back wanting to discuss “differences.” What she sees as differences of opinion are things like vandalizing our car after we expressed being unhappy with her for not taking care of it when she borrowed it years back.

What she previously tried to tell us is we let her borrow the car and purposely letting the oil out of it while still driving it is a perfectly reasonable response on her part to us being upset with her for treating the car like a garbage dump. The difference of opinion in her mind is this: you allowed me to borrow the car and I’ll deal with the car and you how I want, up to and including criminal behavior. I once asked her if she would honor those same rules if someone borrowed her car and her response was “obviously not, those rules are only when I need to use something that isn’t mine.”

Anyway, it’s delusional and abusive but with a mindset like hers I don’t see where a productive conversation is possible, not even all this time later (NC for a long time now). I would talk to her if she were more reasonable but conversations are impossible. Her feelings magically become facts and we don’t seem to exist in the same reality. There was never a point in my life where I thought it was ok to vandalize someone’s property and it would be ok simply because I told myself it would be because of my set of rules for other peoples stuff.

She also said she wants her childhood keepsakes from me. I don’t want to keep them but I don’t trust her to take care of them either. When she received the same when my ex/her dad died, she left it all to rot from damage due to shoddy outside  storing and exposure to the elements.

I haven’t responded to her but my guilt always compels me to and it bothers me a lot of the time. She hasn’t followed up since the one email but I’m wondering if me being concerned about responding is part of what she wants. If it were her in my shoes she wouldn’t care at all, she’d sooner light those keepsakes on fire (and probably would) before handing them over to me.

Why does this situation always make me feel like I’m losing my mind?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Viola,

I'm sorry your daughter acts in such an abusive manner to you.  It seems like you have a good handle of the situation, in recognizing her distorted, delusional thinking.  In her mind, she likely feels entitled to have access your property, as well as freedom to do whatever she pleases with it.  She might think, because her family treated her so badly growing up, and you're the reason she's so messed up, that you have to PAY in retribution.  Thus she likely mistreated your property in a misguided attempt to punish you.  When you confronted her about that, she couldn't stand the feelings of guilt, and rather than own up to her behavior, apologizing or making amends, she turned around and lashed out, releasing her shame and fury onto you, blaming you for everything in the process.  This is very typical BPD thinking and behavior, I'm afraid.

There's an acronym for that type of behavior:  DARVO.  First, Deny that she did anything wrong, or acknowledge something happened but say it wasn't bad.  Then, Attack the credibility of their accuser, making it seem like the accuser is untrustworthy.  Then, Reverse Victim and Offender:  she tries to convince you that she is the “true” victim, and that you are actually the guilty one.  It's no wonder you might think you are losing your mind, because DARVO is designed to deflect and confuse.  It's sly blame-shifting.

Deep down, she likely believes that she's a piece of trash, not worthy of care and respect, and so that's how she treats everything in her life.  That includes your car as well as her own belongings.  Does that sound about right?  Does she often say, "I don't care"?  I used to hear that phrase many, many times from my BPD stepdaughter.  She doesn't care about her things, she doesn't care about you, she doesn't care about the world, she doesn't care about other people's feelings, and she certainly doesn't care about following rules.  Eventually, not caring can evolve into wanting to die.

It seems to me that you probably understand this, even if it's still hard to accept that anyone would sustain such illogical, negative thinking well into adulthood, especially when all you've done is try to help and be a good parent.  If I were you, I wouldn't respond to any correspondence that is tinged with negativity, because you're likely to feed the fire so to speak.  If it looks like she's trying to start a fight, then she probably is, and you don't have to engage with her, because if you do, you'll never get anywhere.  I'd only hand over her childhood keepsakes if she approached in a neutral or respectful tone ("If it's OK with you, I'd like to stop by your place next weekend to pick up my stuff") and actually showed up.  With BPD, it seems to me that this sort of "long-term" planning and execution is a big challenge, especially if there is an emotional element involved, as there might well be with childhood items.  I might be reading too much into this, but if "Kim" is dysregulated, seeing childhood items could be triggering--making her think she was mistreated, deprived, less fortunate than everyone else, etc.  So my gut tells me it might be best to hold off on handing over the items until she's in a better place.

I wish you some peace.