CC43
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 514
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« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2025, 01:17:45 PM » |
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Hi there,
You've come to the right place. In just a few short sentences you've summed up very well what it's like being a parent of an adult child with BPD.
My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD in early adulthood. Like your daughter, she'd make disastrous decisions that were self-sabotaging, and she was always deeply disappointed--in others and in herself, too. I think that people with BPD are programmed to be very sensitive, and so they are typically easily distressed, wounded or insulted. Moreover, they can't seem to handle these negative feelings, which permeate their entire outlook on life, which becomes very negative. I think that's why you'll often hear her complain of "anxiety," or intrusive worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. Her internal dialogue is very dark. Since she has a negative, overly anxious disposition, her emotions often take over, crowding out all logic. Thus her decisions are based on emotions and seem very impulsive. I think it's as if she's living with constant "trauma," and she has trauma-like, fight-or-flight responses to ordinary situations. That's why, when my BPD stepdaughter was untreated, she'd suddenly quit school, jobs and relationships, because she couldn't handle any stress or disappointment, or "push through" temporary discomforts or setbacks. Unfortunately, she'd regret her self-sabotaging decisions and feel very angry and depressed. To cope with those feelings--of incompetence, shame, unfairness, disappointment--she'd typically blame others. You see, taking responsibility for her own actions made her feel even worse, so her brain would twist facts, re-interpret events and project blame onto others. If she failed a class, it was because her flashbacks of an "abusive" childhood prevented her from studying or going to class. If she had an argument with a friend, she'd blame them for starting it and/or refusing to apologize. If she quit her job, she'd blame her boss or coworkers for being hostile, expecting too much of her, or being unfair. Most of all, she blamed her parents for messing her up so much. Does this sound about right?
The thing is, people with BPD are typically convinced that their interpretation of the world is correct. Since they adopt a victim attitude, they are convinced that everyone else is the problem, not them. That sets them up to be both very demanding, and constantly disappointed. Since their needs aren't being met, they tend to throw tantrums. As they grow older, their needs and problems morph into adult-sized ones, often involving cars, apartments, tuition, insurance, illicit drugs, ill-suited boyfriends and maybe even police and kids. Loving parents hate to see their kid struggle so much, and so they typically give her what she wants--to help her, to get her to stop, to prevent her from killing herself, and/or to protect the grandkids. Over time, she's learned that throwing tantrums gets her what she wants, and so it's working for her.
In my stepdaughter's case, she clung to the victim narrative like her life depended on it. She had to hit bottom (twice) in order to commit to therapy, to have a chance of feeling better. Fortunately, DBT therapy can help sufferers of BPD learn to cope better with their emotions and learn more positive self-talk. My stepdaughter has really turned things around, in a relatively short timeframe. She's still very sensitive, which can be an asset, but she's not constantly suicidal and dysfunctional anymore. The rub is that she had to be dedicated to therapy in order for it to work. That's something she has to be ready for, not you.
As for communicating, on these boards you'll see JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. With BPD, it's best not to JADE, because that's using logic when emotions are at play. If you JADE, your daughter will likely feel unheard and unvalidated, and thus you'll only feed her anger. In the face of logic, she might escalate, or dredge up some other grievance, which only makes her (and you) feel even worse. What I've found is that when she's having an adult tantrum, the best thing is to give her an adult time out, that is, time and space to get her emotions under control. Sometimes she'll be the one to create the time out, when she storms off (or blocks communication). That's when I think it's best not to "beg" her to re-engage. You might stay silent, or say something simple, like, "I'm always here for you." Then it's up to her to initiate contact again. If she's dependent on you, like many young adults with BPD, she's likely to return to you when she needs money or other support.
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