Is this a hill worth dying on?

[martillo]

Active alcoholic, high conflict H (who I believe is also most likely UBPD) and I have been living separately since July 2016.  He had his annual July dysregulation and “moved” into our lakehouse which is where he has been since.  This time I put a boundary in place that we will have new tools in place to deal w conflict before we live together again.  We did 3 sessions w marriage counselor in October and he declared it a waste of time – according to him, he has changed; I have not…I began working a 12 step program for codependency in April, so I kind of disagree with his assessment…but that is not the issue.   

We have DS16 and DD14 at home with me.  We have no formal financial, parenting or any plan in place.  H has always expressed great love for his kids (DSS30, DS24, DS21, DS16 and DD14), for the sanctity of the family, but it is all on his terms and he has never really been “present” for them. 

I have been a great codependent mom – making sure everything gets done for the kids, that there was always a reason why dad wasn’t there for their “events,” telling them how much he loves them despite not being there for them…they apparently have not ever been fooled…slowly but surely they have been sharing w me their feelings about his behavior and it is mostly negative. 

H complains that I “keep the kids so busy” he can’t spend time with them - not true – DS16 has no after school or weekend activities since football season ended in November and DD14 has softball practice 2 evenings a week and never more than 2 tournaments a month.  H didn’t go to any football games this fall because “DS16 isn’t playing” (he is part of the film crew that films the games and preps game films for the coaches – he wants to pursue this as an extracurricular activity in college) and H doesn’t go to DD14 softball practices or tournaments because “I don’t know those people; DD14 doesn’t get to play enough; softball is breaking up our family.”

DS16 is a junior in high school and beginning college visits.  He has lots of anger and resentment towards his dad.  I set up a college visit to his first choice college when I found out about “Junior Day” last week – visit is scheduled for this Saturday.  I texted H the same day about the visit and that DD14 has a tournament this weekend also (first tourney since November) and since he wants to spend time w his kids he needs to also assume some of the responsibilities of helping get them to their activities.  Haven’t heard a thing back about it from H until today so I had already made arrangements for DD14 and her tournament on Saturday while I take DS16 to the college visit as DS16 absolutely does not want his dad to take him. 

Today, even thought DS16 told H this morning that I was taking him and I told H that I was taking DS16, H commanded that he would be taking DS16 to the college visit because H’s best friend graduated from this college and best friend and his son are going and this friend and that friend and their kids will be there and …. DS16 is extremely upset –

Is this a hill worth dying on for me to “just say no?”  If so any suggestions?

[martillo]

OK so never mind!  Apparently DS16 climbed the hill and didn't surrender... .got a call from H that DS16 told him he didn't want H to take him and that I would be taking him.  H will take DD14 to tournament.   

I spoke w DS16 and he said he didn't want to talk about it but that he wanted to throw his phone against the concrete and break it or break something ... .H really knows how to deflect and stir up anger in others ... .DS16 is a very logical, calm, level-headed kid but also very strong willed and it is unlike him to express his own anger that way... .makes me sad for my kids... .

[takingandsending]

martillo,

You won't change your H, so efforts to that end won't have much effect. You can and do validate your S16 in his experience and help normalize his emotions.

And on your side, how are you approaching your boundaries? Stating that you will have new tools for resolving conflict before living together sounds okay. What core values are reflected in the boundary? Likewise, when you ask yourself, is this a hill worth dying on to say "no", can you ask yourself, what values of mine are being compromised or contradicted when I don't say "no"? If the answer is not many, really not a big deal, then don't die on that hill. If the answer is, some things that I hold really important to me, the person I am, and the qualities I want to see in my children and that I look for in the people that I love, then, absolutely yes, that hill is worth defending, every time, consistently and clearly.

Hope this helps. What do you think for yourself? How would you answer these questions? Sounds like S16 is understanding that there are things he is willing to defend, but he still needs your help in knowing that he is going to be okay when he does defend them and that it's normal to experience upset, anger and frustration when those boundaries are pushed upon.

[martillo]

I do struggle w boundaries, but working the 12 step program is helping me in that area. 

In this instance, I was not against H taking DS16 to the college visit, but DS16 was adamant that I would take him.  Our kids have experienced on multiple occasions that when dad is involved it becomes all about him.  And I am sure that when H called DS16, he began laying out "his" plans for the visit and "his" plans for DS16's college plans.  As I said DS16 is pretty laid back but also very strong willed and sure of himself. 

Thank you for your response and questions about values - I don't use that word exactly, but when I have an issue w H, I evaluate whether the issue is something I can live with or not - then based on that decision, I decide how to address it w H.