Need Therapist to deal with BPD traits in grown son's family

[ConcernedGma25]

I am trying to find a therapist preferably in NYC/Long Island area to deal with family issues. I suspect that my youngest son's ("Frank"-age 45) wife ("Daisy"-age 49) has PBD traits and their oldest daughter ("Rose"-age 18) also. Rose is our first granddaughter and very special. Daisy and I got along well for 20 years, with much listening and providing a sounding board for her. That shifted a year ago, and I (and the rest of the family) are the enemies now and she hates all of us for her perception of things we have done wrong. My granddaughter Rose has attempted suicide several times and spent her high school years in a residential setting. She seems stable right now, but that could change at any time. My son has sided with his wife and is her greatest defender (or enabler...) and is angry with all of us and has limited contact. I need help to deal with this family that I love very much. Does anyone know of a good therapist who can help me navigate these complicated dynamics? Preferable NYC/Long Island or virtual.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Concerned,

You must be so sad that your son and DIL have seemed to cut you off, probably when they need you most.

I'd say, if you and your DIL were able to maintain a healthy relationship for a couple of decades, that she has a track record of holding things together.  Though she might have some BPD traits, typically "full-blown" untreated BPD would come with significant difficulties in sustaining long-term, healthy relationships.  I think that might give you some hope about reconnecting with your son and DIL at some point.

It seems to me that the crisis at hand is the granddaughter, who has had multiple suicide attempts.  I went through that with my own stepdaughter.  It was terrifying, and it also tore up the entire family.  I suspect that your son and DIL are terrified right now.  They fear for their daughter's life, and they're probably trying everything in their power to help her, but nothing seems to work, because she's had several attempts.  If your granddaughter has BPD, she's likely raging at her family, blaming them for everything, plus being extremely mean about it.  Her parents might feel despondent, making decisions in a FOG (out of fear, obligation and guilt).  Plus the expense and disruption of repeated residential treatments adds a ton of stress, and money is probably short.  They might come to the realization that their precious daughter is seriously ill, and their dreams for a happy future for her are fading.  They are probably feeling a mix of negative emotions, including fear, desperation, frustration, anger and grief.  They likely feel stressed out and sleep-deprived.

Anyway, the exact same thing happened in my household.  Everyone was "walking on eggshells," bracing for the next crisis.  When living in crisis mode, suddenly any little thing can throw people off.  During this phase, my husband was constantly lashing out at me, when I felt I had done nothing wrong.  He tried to control my every move--in a vain attempt to regain control of his life--and he'd yell and curse me out at the slightest provocation, such as when I'd sigh before starting a new task, or if I coughed when I had Covid.  My point is, everyone isn't feeling like themselves right now, because of the multiple suicide attempts.  It may be that your son is acting out and getting mad at you, too, even though all you've tried to do is be supportive.  He might also "side" with his wife, because she thinks she's mad at you, and she forces him to take sides, to "prove" his loyalty.  He might feel that he's doing everything he can to keep his family together, and you are a casualty.

You are right, the family dynamics are in crisis right now, and it's no wonder, given your granddaughter's suicide attempts.  If you think that therapy can help you sort through the emotions, then go ahead and try to get help.  Even if the therapist isn't an expert in BPD, I think they'd understand where you're coming from.  Regarding the estrangement, I'd suggest that you reach out to your son on occasion (maybe once a month) with a short message like, I'm here for you if you need me.  But I wouldn't recommend communicating your own needs or emotions (I miss you!  Why are you doing this to me?  I haven't seen my granddaughter in months, I'm worried sick about her, and I have no idea what's going on . . . I don't deserve being cut off, all I've tried to do is help!  When can I come see you?  Is granddaughter at home now?  Is she getting medications?  Can you please tell her I love her?), as that would likely be triggering.  They have enough to deal with already, and adding your own emotional needs on top would probably only make things worse.  If they later turn around and blame you for not helping, then just let that false accusation slide.  You see, blaming you is a coping tactic.  You know you didn't cause the crisis.  In fact, nobody did.  BPD is an illness, and therapy can help.  The rub is that for therapy to work, your granddaughter has to want to make some changes so that she can start to feel better.  It's up to her, and only her.  Nobody else can force her.

Maybe another thing you might try is to be supportive from afar.  Without knowing your son, I'm not sure what sort of help he might appreciate.  Maybe you send him some prepared meals, or maybe some cash, something to help him ease the strain.  Just don't expect thanks, appreciation, information or renewed contact.  Just know that you're supporting him the best you can from afar as he lives through this crisis. 

[ConcernedGma25]

Dear CC43,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Your comment that my relationship with my DIL was good for two decades indicates that "she's not 'full-blown' untreated BPD", gives me hope. I was her sounding board for her wrath against others and helped her, by careful, empathic listening, to calm down and carry-on.  The problem now is that I am the target and she refuses to take my calls and communicates her wrath through my son.  Yes, it is sad. I feel they both need support now the most and I feel quite helpless.
You are very perceptive to see the real crisis as our granddaughter with multiple suicide attempts. She had scholarships to go to college and two weeks before the start of her advanced education, she took an overdose of pills. When I talked to her later, she said that she was scared and didn't want to go. You can see how fragile she is, yet so smart.  The mental health department of the hospital kept her as long as they could, but this was not a long-term solution and there were no group homes available. She is 18, an adult, and has no insurance, so her options are limited.  She called me and asked if she could live with us, but as a senior with limited energy, I can't keep her safe. So she went home and is working a part-time job at a local store and is okay so far.  I call her from time to time and she seems happy with the calls. I think she would do well in a supportive group home, away from her mother. My DIL has a sharp temper at times and can set her off. It is not a good situation.
I appreciate your advice about not communicating my needs to my son or anyone else in his family. My son wrote a lengthy text message with everything wrong with our family (down to comments made years ago not thanking them enough for everything they did for us, or the other grandkids being messy and not abiding by their rules, etc.). My tendency is to give a response to each negative claim, but after reading your advice, I think that the drama is a smoke screen for all the anxiety, depression, and concern about our granddaughter. I will try to be affirming and supportive, without judgment.
I am still trying to figure out how to be supportive from afar. I had sent money to help with expenses and my DIL said that I was "buying affection." That didn't work.
I will try to find a therapist for myself, so I can gain more insight and respond helpfully. Any ideas?

[CC43]

Hi again,

I'm not sure I have many ideas, but I might have some insights.  First, going away to college is a major life change, and I think it could easily derail someone with BPD.  Now, it's terrifying that your granddaughter decided to attempt suicide rather than deal with all the stress of college.  Yet she shows remarkable clarity and self-awareness:  she states that going to college scared her, and she didn't want to go.  A more typical "BPD" response would be to blame someone else!  My stepdaughter would do that, blaming siblings for messing her up so much that she couldn't study or succeed at college, even if she hadn't talked to any of her siblings for months!  She'd dredge up incidents from ancient history, and dwell on them incessantly, rather than focus on school.  Why?  Because college is hard, scary and stressful, especially for someone with a fragile sense of self, which is typical for BPD, making it difficult for her to pick a major or fit in with the right friend group.  All that adds up to stress and uncertainty, perpetual "anxiety" as well as feeling "abandoned" when away from home for so long.

Secondly, it sounds like your granddaughter is working part-time.  That is FANTASTIC.  Many people with BPD can't handle the stress of working, or even abide by a regular routine.  Working part-time can help her build up some confidence, build her resume, and help her practice interacting with peers, while also allowing her time to continue therapy.  Maybe if she shows some stability for a few months, she could add an online class or two.  That way, she could take some baby steps towards independence.  I just think its unrealistic to expect her to go directly from residential treatment and jump right into full-time, on-campus college pursuits when she's not ready.  I think that taking baby steps, working gradually towards college, has a higher chance of success.  Today more than ever, it's not a big deal to put off college for a while.  And increasingly, it's easier and easier to pursue alternative education options, such as online classes that are tailored to her schedule.  It may be that your granddaughter felt that not attending college would disappoint her parents, and she didn't want to disappoint them, so she tried suicide.  That's a lot of unnecessary pressure in my opinion.  College isn't for everyone, and I think it's perfectly fine for her not to go if she's not ready, as attending and failing out is not only a bummer, but also a waste.  There are plenty of other paths in life. 

If you are close by, maybe you could support your granddaughter, not by giving her a permanent place to stay, but by letting her visit with you for a night or two, just to get a break.  Maybe you cook her dinner.  Maybe you let her sleep over.  My BPD stepdaughter visits me and her dad two to four times a month, and I think it helps.  She gets a little break from her small apartment, a few free meals, and time to watch a nice TV and relax.  Meanwhile, we keep tabs on her, and encourage her when she shows signs of distress.  We try to stay upbeat and optimistic.

[zachira]

Elinor Greenberg

[ConcernedGma25]

Dear CC43,
I couldn't figure out how to respond to your post! It took a few days and I had to look it up in the HELP section. Hope this works.
I really appreciate your insights. Sometimes it's difficult to see the forest from the trees or to see the positives in a challenging situation. Thank you for that comment that my granddaughter showed "remarkable clarity and self-awareness" by telling me that she was scared to go to college and didn't want to go. It makes sense now that going from a residential setting to independence at a college campuse was way too big a leap for someone who has difficulty navigating each day. I liked your suggestion to take on-line courses as a first step, when she's ready.  I also appreciate the positive comments about her working part-time. Hearing the word "FANTASTIC" is not something I have heard in a long time.  I will keep in mind ways to support her-meals, visits, etc.  Right now, she is back at home with my son and DIL. My DIL wants no contact with anyone in our family. I am trying to reconnect with my son, but the last communication was a list of everything that our family has done wrong - going back over 20 years. I asked him if there was anything we ever did adequately... no response so far.
Thank you again. You give me a way to communicate with someone who has been there and has many valuable insights.

[CC43]

I’m glad to help. One thing to keep in mind is that people with BPD tend to have simplistic, black and white thinking. So for your beloved granddaughter, she probably thinks, if she doesn’t go to college right away, she’s a failure. A loser. Her life is over. With BPD, these disappointments feel like the end of the world. Her emotions take over, her internal dialogue is negative, and she can spiral. She lacks perspective and self-compassion. So one thing you might do is listen to her woes, and validate her feelings, but if you can, try to put things in perspective for her too. I do that with my BPD stepdaughter sometimes. She tends to be dramatic, and she’s so hard on herself (and others!). At the same time, she’s a little clueless about life. She’s just not aware of the different options for education, the thousands of different career possibilities, or even how to meet a romantic partner (hint:  repeated, low-stakes encounters at school/work/clubs are much more conducive to forming friendships than “transactional”/superficial encounters at a bar or online). Meanwhile, she’s jealous of other people’s lives online, and she doesn’t realize that most of it is curated and touched up. Further, she doesn’t seem to appreciate her own gifts. So reminding her of them seems to help, as well as encouragement. My stepdaughter emerged from the depths of despair. If she can overcome that, then she can handle most anything that life will throw at her (I hope). She’s stronger than she knows. She probably needs to be reminded of that.

[ConcernedGma25]

Dear CC43,
You're comments are helpful. I try to have a weekly call-in with my granddaughter and will cautiously find out her thoughts about college and suggest multiple pathways to further education, e.g. on-line courses. That is, when she is ready...no pressure. I will be on the alert for black and white thinking, and that's why I will tread lightly.

I am curious as to your experience with "splitting" as mentioned in Randi Kreger's books "Stop walking on eggshells" and "Family guide to PBP."  I think this is what happened to my DIL.  We got along quite well for 20 years, then an incident happened when another family member called her out for somel negative remarks about family, and now she has disowned all of us. She won't take any calls or return text messages.  I do understand that the main issue may be my granddaughter's suicide attempts and this may be a way to deflect all the negative feelings. Just wondering if you have had any experience with splitting.

Thanks again.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm not sure I fully understand the notion of splitting, unless it's a catch-all term for the simplistic, black-and-white thinking.  And I'm not sure I love the notion of black-and-white thinking to begin with.  I tend to think that BPD boils down to emotional immaturity.  In some instances, that means that the frequency, intensity and duration of emotional reactions are extreme.  I think the "extremeness" of emotional reactions is linked with immature coping responses.  Think impatience, self-centeredness and a general lack of "worldliness," perspective and problem-solving skills.  I think some BPD behaviors are much like a young child's, akin to tantrums.  For example, breaking a toy might seem like the end of the world to a young child.  She's impatient:  she wants the to play with the toy NOW/she wants it fixed NOW.  She can't conceive of context or relativity:  sometimes toys do break, but there are many others in the toybox.  She can't solve problems:  she won't try a little glue to fix the toy.  And so on.  Translate this response to an adult context, and I think you see BPD behaviors.

When thinking about relationships, the "splitting" in my opinion relates partially to unrealistic expectations of others.  Relationships with a pwBPD work best when they are one-way, where the pwBPD gets all the attention.  She's like a small child that way, expecting to talk about herself, but never ask about the other person.  She expects to be served, helped and nurtured all the time.  Meanwhile, her expectations are almost impossible to fulfill.  She doesn't seem to understand that other people are human, and they might have to cancel a date, or they might get sick, or they might not say the exact right thing all the time.  She's very easily insulted, and she demands an apology, but when she gets one, she doesn't accept it.  Her needs weren't met, she's mad, and all of the sudden the relationship sours.  She can't seem to get past issues, and I think it's because she's immature.  Meanwhile, she thinks she's never to blame (she's entitled, after all), and you'll never hear an apology from her, unless it's forced, and it sounds like she doesn't mean it.  She can't be happy for other people's happiness, because she's miserable most of the time.  So if this is splitting, then I've experienced it many times with my loved one with BPD.

[ConcernedGma25]

   
Hi Concerned,

You must be so sad that your son and DIL have seemed to cut you off, probably when they need you most.

I'd say, if you and your DIL were able to maintain a healthy relationship for a couple of decades, that she has a track record of holding things together.  Though she might have some BPD traits, typically "full-blown" untreated BPD would come with significant difficulties in sustaining long-term, healthy relationships.  I think that might give you some hope about reconnecting with your son and DIL at some point.

It seems to me that the crisis at hand is the granddaughter, who has had multiple suicide attempts.  I went through that with my own stepdaughter.  It was terrifying, and it also tore up the entire family.  I suspect that your son and DIL are terrified right now.  They fear for their daughter's life, and they're probably trying everything in their power to help her, but nothing seems to work, because she's had several attempts.  If your granddaughter has BPD, she's likely raging at her family, blaming them for everything, plus being extremely mean about it.  Her parents might feel despondent, making decisions in a FOG (out of fear, obligation and guilt).  Plus the expense and disruption of repeated residential treatments adds a ton of stress, and money is probably short.  They might come to the realization that their precious daughter is seriously ill, and their dreams for a happy future for her are fading.  They are probably feeling a mix of negative emotions, including fear, desperation, frustration, anger and grief.  They likely feel stressed out and sleep-deprived.

Anyway, the exact same thing happened in my household.  Everyone was "walking on eggshells," bracing for the next crisis.  When living in crisis mode, suddenly any little thing can throw people off.  During this phase, my husband was constantly lashing out at me, when I felt I had done nothing wrong.  He tried to control my every move--in a vain attempt to regain control of his life--and he'd yell and curse me out at the slightest provocation, such as when I'd sigh before starting a new task, or if I coughed when I had Covid.  My point is, everyone isn't feeling like themselves right now, because of the multiple suicide attempts.  It may be that your son is acting out and getting mad at you, too, even though all you've tried to do is be supportive.  He might also "side" with his wife, because she thinks she's mad at you, and she forces him to take sides, to "prove" his loyalty.  He might feel that he's doing everything he can to keep his family together, and you are a casualty.

You are right, the family dynamics are in crisis right now, and it's no wonder, given your granddaughter's suicide attempts.  If you think that therapy can help you sort through the emotions, then go ahead and try to get help.  Even if the therapist isn't an expert in BPD, I think they'd understand where you're coming from.  Regarding the estrangement, I'd suggest that you reach out to your son on occasion (maybe once a month) with a short message like, I'm here for you if you need me.  But I wouldn't recommend communicating your own needs or emotions (I miss you!  Why are you doing this to me?  I haven't seen my granddaughter in months, I'm worried sick about her, and I have no idea what's going on . . . I don't deserve being cut off, all I've tried to do is help!  When can I come see you?  Is granddaughter at home now?  Is she getting medications?  Can you please tell her I love her?), as that would likely be triggering.  They have enough to deal with already, and adding your own emotional needs on top would probably only make things worse.  If they later turn around and blame you for not helping, then just let that false accusation slide.  You see, blaming you is a coping tactic.  You know you didn't cause the crisis.  In fact, nobody did.  BPD is an illness, and therapy can help.  The rub is that for therapy to work, your granddaughter has to want to make some changes so that she can start to feel better.  It's up to her, and only her.  Nobody else can force her.

Maybe another thing you might try is to be supportive from afar.  Without knowing your son, I'm not sure what sort of help he might appreciate.  Maybe you send him some prepared meals, or maybe some cash, something to help him ease the strain.  Just don't expect thanks, appreciation, information or renewed contact.  Just know that you're supporting him the best you can from afar as he lives through this crisis.

   


 
2/26/2025
Dear CC43,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Your comment that my relationship with my DIL was good for two decades indicates that "she's not 'full-blown' untreated BPD", gives me hope. I was her sounding board for her wrath against others and helped her, by careful, empathic listening, to calm down and carry-on.  The problem now is that I am the target and she refuses to take my calls and communicates her wrath through my son.  Yes, it is sad. I feel they both need support now the most and I feel quite helpless.
You are very perceptive to see the real crisis as our granddaughter with multiple suicide attempts. She had scholarships to go to college and two weeks before the start of her advanced education, she took an overdose of pills. When I talked to her later, she said that she was scared and didn't want to go. You can see how fragile she is, yet so smart.  The mental health department of the hospital kept her as long as they could, but this was not a long-term solution and there were no group homes available. She is 18, an adult, and has no insurance, so her options are limited.  She called me and asked if she could live with us, but as a senior with limited energy, I can't keep her safe. So she went home and is working a part-time job at a local store and is okay so far.  I call her from time to time and she seems happy with the calls. I think she would do well in a supportive group home, away from her mother. My DIL has a sharp temper at times and can set her off. It is not a good situation.
I appreciate your advice about not communicating my needs to my son or anyone else in his family. My son wrote a lengthy text message with everything wrong with our family (down to comments made years ago not thanking them enough for everything they did for us, or the other grandkids being messy and not abiding by their rules, etc.). My tendency is to give a response to each negative claim, but after reading your advice, I think that the drama is a smoke screen for all the anxiety, depression, and concern about our granddaughter. I will try to be affirming and supportive, without judgment.
I am still trying to figure out how to be supportive from afar. I had sent money to help with expenses and my DIL said that I was "buying affection." That didn't work.
I will try to find a therapist for myself, so I can gain more insight and respond helpfully. Any ideas?
 

Hi again,
I'm not sure I have many ideas, but I might have some insights.  First, going away to college is a major life change, and I think it could easily derail someone with BPD.  Now, it's terrifying that your granddaughter decided to attempt suicide rather than deal with all the stress of college.  Yet she shows remarkable clarity and self-awareness:  she states that going to college scared her, and she didn't want to go.  A more typical "BPD" response would be to blame someone else!  My stepdaughter would do that, blaming siblings for messing her up so much that she couldn't study or succeed at college, even if she hadn't talked to any of her siblings for months!  She'd dredge up incidents from ancient history, and dwell on them incessantly, rather than focus on school.  Why?  Because college is hard, scary and stressful, especially for someone with a fragile sense of self, which is typical for BPD, making it difficult for her to pick a major or fit in with the right friend group.  All that adds up to stress and uncertainty, perpetual "anxiety" as well as feeling "abandoned" when away from home for so long.

Secondly, it sounds like your granddaughter is working part-time.  That is FANTASTIC.  Many people with BPD can't handle the stress of working, or even abide by a regular routine.  Working part-time can help her build up some confidence, build her resume, and help her practice interacting with peers, while also allowing her time to continue therapy.  Maybe if she shows some stability for a few months, she could add an online class or two.  That way, she could take some baby steps towards independence.  I just think its unrealistic to expect her to go directly from residential treatment and jump right into full-time, on-campus college pursuits when she's not ready.  I think that taking baby steps, working gradually towards college, has a higher chance of success.  Today more than ever, it's not a big deal to put off college for a while.  And increasingly, it's easier and easier to pursue alternative education options, such as online classes that are tailored to her schedule.  It may be that your granddaughter felt that not attending college would disappoint her parents, and she didn't want to disappoint them, so she tried suicide.  That's a lot of unnecessary pressure in my opinion.  College isn't for everyone, and I think it's perfectly fine for her not to go if she's not ready, as attending and failing out is not only a bummer, but also a waste.  There are plenty of other paths in life.

If you are close by, maybe you could support your granddaughter, not by giving her a permanent place to stay, but by letting her visit with you for a night or two, just to get a break.  Maybe you cook her dinner.  Maybe you let her sleep over.  My BPD stepdaughter visits me and her dad two to four times a month, and I think it helps.  She gets a little break from her small apartment, a few free meals, and time to watch a nice TV and relax.  Meanwhile, we keep tabs on her, and encourage her when she shows signs of distress.  We try to stay upbeat and optimistic.

   






Feb 26, 2025
Dear CC43,
You're comments are helpful. I try to have a weekly call-in with my granddaughter and will cautiously find out her thoughts about college and suggest multiple pathways to further education, e.g. on-line courses. That is, when she is ready...no pressure. I will be on the alert for black and white thinking, and that's why I will tread lightly.

I am curious as to your experience with "splitting" as mentioned in Randi Kreger's books "Stop walking on eggshells" and "Family guide to PBP."  I think this is what happened to my DIL.  We got along quite well for 20 years, then an incident happened when another family member called her out for somel negative remarks about family, and now she has disowned all of us. She won't take any calls or return text messages.  I do understand that the main issue may be my granddaughter's suicide attempts and this may be a way to deflect all the negative feelings. Just wondering if you have had any experience with splitting.

Thanks again. 
Hi there,

I'm not sure I fully understand the notion of splitting, unless it's a catch-all term for the simplistic, black-and-white thinking.  And I'm not sure I love the notion of black-and-white thinking to begin with.  I tend to think that BPD boils down to emotional immaturity.  In some instances, that means that the frequency, intensity and duration of emotional reactions are extreme.  I think the "extremeness" of emotional reactions is linked with immature coping responses.  Think impatience, self-centeredness and a general lack of "worldliness," perspective and problem-solving skills.  I think some BPD behaviors are much like a young child's, akin to tantrums.  For example, breaking a toy might seem like the end of the world to a young child.  She's impatient:  she wants the to play with the toy NOW/she wants it fixed NOW.  She can't conceive of context or relativity:  sometimes toys do break, but there are many others in the toybox.  She can't solve problems:  she won't try a little glue to fix the toy.  And so on.  Translate this response to an adult context, and I think you see BPD behaviors.

When thinking about relationships, the "splitting" in my opinion relates partially to unrealistic expectations of others.  Relationships with a pwBPD work best when they are one-way, where the pwBPD gets all the attention.  She's like a small child that way, expecting to talk about herself, but never ask about the other person.  She expects to be served, helped and nurtured all the time.  Meanwhile, her expectations are almost impossible to fulfill.  She doesn't seem to understand that other people are human, and they might have to cancel a date, or they might get sick, or they might not say the exact right thing all the time.  She's very easily insulted, and she demands an apology, but when she gets one, she doesn't accept it.  Her needs weren't met, she's mad, and all of the sudden the relationship sours.  She can't seem to get past issues, and I think it's because she's immature.  Meanwhile, she thinks she's never to blame (she's entitled, after all), and you'll never hear an apology from her, unless it's forced, and it sounds like she doesn't mean it.  She can't be happy for other people's happiness, because she's miserable most of the time.  So if this is splitting, then I've experienced it many times with my loved one with BPD.
 
March 3, 2025
Dear CC43,
Thank you again for your thoughtful response.  I have been thinking about what you said in the last post and also seeing how it fits into my current situation.  I also reread all your posts. Since I am new to the BPDFamily website, I wasn’t sure if it was okay to wait a week to respond or would I lose the thread / conversation?…  But here goes…
I like your thinking process about “black-or-white thinking” especially, your dislike of the term and preference for “emotional immaturity.” The prevalence of “extremes” of emotional reactions is linked with immature coping responses.  I see this in my granddaughter with BPD who is 18, but developmentally much younger socially and emotionally. Her coping responses are immature at times. There is growth, although slow, and this gives me hope.  When people say “Black or White” or “All or Nothing” thinking, this concept does not take into account growth of social-emotional skills. I feel a sense of hope conceptualizing her behaviors as being due to “emotional immaturity” rather than “black or white” thinking. This may be the grandma part of me speaking, but I like this thinking. BTW, she continues to do well, working part-time, and setting goals of taking driver’s ed course and purchasing a used car when she has enough money. All good.
I want to go a little deeper about the concept of “splitting” which Mason and Kreger (“Stop walking on eggshells”) explain as: “People with BPD view others through extremes of idealization and devaluation—as either the wicked witch or their fairy godmother, a saint or a demon. But when they think that you’ve failed them, or they want to be independent, you become the villain. Because people with BPD have a hard time integrating a person’s good and bad traits, their current opinion of someone is often based on their last interaction with them.  It’s as if they lack a long-term memory.”
As I’ve noted before, I suspect my DIL and my son have BPD. This “splitting” is what I think I’m seeing with them these past nine months. Before that, we were close and communicated frequently. Now, it is the opposite. My son sent a list of things that the entire family has done wrong—justifying their break from all of us. The list is very detailed and hurtful, assuming a motivation of malicious intent, rather than people making poor decisions or misunderstood actions. I am not sure how I want to proceed. Any ideas?

[CC43]

"The prevalence of “extremes” of emotional reactions is linked with immature coping responses.  I see this in my granddaughter with BPD who is 18, but developmentally much younger socially and emotionally. Her coping responses are immature at times. There is growth, although slow, and this gives me hope."

I totally agree with your comment.  In fact, I've written several posts that paraphrase those very thoughts.  With my BPD stepdaughter, I think that her emotional age is about 70% of her chronological age.  So at 18, she was operating with the emotional skills of a 13-year-old.  At 21, she was basically 15, emotionally speaking.  Imagine how hard it is to handle adult-level issues like dating, college, working with colleagues, budgeting and semi-independent living, when emotionally she's much younger!  It may be why BPD sometimes emerges and seems to be worst in young adulthood, as people bump up against adult-level relationships and responsibilities that they are not yet equipped to handle.  They just don't have the patience, perspective or mental fortitude to tolerate stress on their own.  They seem overly needy and entitled.  Moreover, the meltdowns/tantrums/vicious texts aren't socially acceptable when coming from an adult.  And because her emotions are all over the place, she has trouble planning, concentrating and especially setting long-term goals like selecting a major, finding housing or deciding on a career path.  She can't possibly handle setbacks like a bad grade or a breakup, or making hard choices, such as spending on needs vs. wants.  She seems very impulsive and flaky.  She lacks resilience, sometimes called grit.  She's often jealous of others, while feeling inferior by comparison.  If there's romance, it's intense and volatile.  Her lashing out gets her into trouble, and she'll get kicked out of rooming situations, as well as lose her friends.  For someone who desperately wants to be included and loved, she feels terribly lonely, and yet she blames others for "bullying" her.  She'll tire easily and isn't reliable at all, which means she won't show up to work, or she'll stand people up.  She teeters on the edge of losing her job, over seemingly small things, like a dress code.  She'll say, she hates everything, she can't live like this anymore, she doesn't know how much longer she can stand it, and I think that "it" is the despair she feels as she falters in various aspects of adulting.  And yet, if I think that she's emotionally immature for her age, it gives me hope that she'll mature over time.  She just needs extra time, training and support while she gets there.  In reality, she has matured over the past few years.  I'm hoping that by 30, she'll be the emotional equivalent of a 21-year-old, i.e. acting like an adult.

"When people say “Black or White” or “All or Nothing” thinking, this concept does not take into account growth of social-emotional skills. I feel a sense of hope conceptualizing her behaviors as being due to “emotional immaturity” rather than “black or white” thinking."

I agree with this too.  Another way I think about it is that when the loved one with BPD faces stress or disappointment, she feels it intensely, because she lacks sophisticated coping skills.  These skills might include knowing when to take a time-out (e.g. deep breaths, a walk, sleeping on it) when emotions are intense, thinking before speaking, checking if expectations are realistic, identifying the underlying problem, understanding whether the issue is in your control or not, consulting a trusted ally before acting, thinking of potential solutions, not taking everything so personally, understanding where others are coming from, putting the issue in context, etc.  Instead, she is easily insulted/aggrieved/disappointed by others, and her intense emotional response tends to turn things into a crisis.  She is so focused on the crisis that she can't see through (or around) it, and the more she ruminates about it, the more worked up she gets.  She is very quick to blame others for causing her intense distress, and to cope with this "trauma," she'll have a trauma-like response, of fight or flight.  She might start a huge fight or cut people out of her life completely.  Either way, she hates the person for causing her distress, and the distress is the only thing she can think about.  I think that is the "black" of the black-and-white thinking, but it's really a result of the immaturity of her emotional control.

Finally, DBT is the gold standard in treating BPD symptoms.  I have not participated in DBT therapy, but my BPD stepdaughter has, with visible success.  My understanding is that DBT focuses building skills around mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.  That sounds like learning emotional control to me.  It gives me hope that with extra training, practice and support, she can learn these skills to help her overcome the immaturity she was dealing with in her late teens and early adulthood.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ConcernedGma25]

Dear CC43,
Thank you again for your thoughtful response. I need to think about how to support my son, his wife and my granddaughter. You have been very helpful.