Feeling very nervous

[In4thewin]

For those who have read my last few posts, my daughter has already encountered a pretty large hiccup in her first apartment. Apparently, pretty much as soon as she moved in, issues started with unreasonable levels of noise coming out of her apartment at night, and a few days ago that was enhanced by the smell of pot permeating the building.... also coming out of her apartment. The apartment building only has 8 units-- 4 on her side-- and is very quiet generally. Moreover, it has a policy against pot and any other smoking. So basically, a complaint was reported to the landlord and when it was followed up upon, whatever was translated to the landlord was serious enough to warrant a very firm and formal notice being sent to me and my daughter (I guaranteed the rent), which made it clear that if there are any more disturbances or rules broken, an eviction will be filed. I'm embarrassed and very concerned. One one hand, my daughter is young--- almost 19--- and some shenanigans and bad judgment should be par for the course. On the other, this really isn't the kind of building where tenants and/or their guests behave as my daughter and/or her guests were behaving, and my daughter should have known that this wouldn't be tolerated. She also should know how to set boundaries--- like a "friend" inviting someone else that my daughter doesn't even know. She has told me that she no longer wants to be friends with the girl who was there on the nights that the problems happened, because it's clear she's just "mooching" off of her. I wasn't comfortable with her hanging out with this girl to begin with, but what can I really do when she's 18? I hope that my daughter is being truthful and doesn't sway from disconnecting from this friend, but theres always more like her if my daughter doesn't become much more selective in who she chooses to associate with, even if that means she's lonely for a while. I see this time as an opportunity for her to focus on her IOP and get her life back on track, but I really don't think she's "there" yet. She started the IOP and is attending but if she just goes through the motions and doesn't do the hard work necessary, then little will change. At this point I'm a nervous wreck--- waiting for another email saying that the landlords are going to commence eviction proceedings. I've communicated to my daughter about how serious this is and to not mistake that email from the landlord as an idle threat or something she can talk her way out of if there are any more problems, and I can only hope she can keep the reality front and center in her mind and not try to "get away" with something or foolishly allow people into the apartment that she isn't positive will behave appropriately and within all the rules of the building. I'm now thinking I made a big mistake pursuing this lovely apartment when it almost miraculously became available, instead of putting her in the only other 1 bedroom I could find, which was a dump and significantly less expensive. This is a small town and the landlords know of my family, but do not (or at least did not) know that my daughter had any issues that were out of the ordinary. I think they were probably thrilled that I approached them for the rental as soon as it became available and that guaranteed the rent on autopay. Now I'm thinking they are really regretting this and feeling duped---but I could be allowing my own anxiety to overthink all of this. All I know for sure is that based on that email, they don't appear to be messing around, and that includes filing a FORMAL eviction should and eviction become necessary--which would not only be filed against my daughter, but me as well.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi,

Well I can relate as both my stepdaughters, one with BPD, faced eviction a few times, for breaking rules and not getting along with roommates. I wonder though, does your daughter understand what eviction is?  I think my stepdaughters didn’t actually know what it was at first, neither the meaning of the word eviction nor the notion that there were clauses in the lease which prohibited certain activities (e.g. smoking, pets, running appliances at night, etc.). I doubt either kid even read the leases, because their dad co-signed and paid. (I distinctly remember that the BPD stepdaughter didn’t know the amount of rent, when rent was due or when her lease ended.). Plus as teens, they likely thought they were « adults, » and to them, that meant they could do whatever they wanted, right?  I’m just saying, since leases are new to them, and they aren’t paying rent themselves, they might truly not be aware of their responsibilities.  With the BPD mindset, YOU are responsible, not her. And she might think, what’s the big deal, if I get evicted, my parents will get me another place, probably a better one. She might not be aware of the consequences of eviction. Plus, I bet she doesn’t know that if she has an eviction on her record, it will be very difficult to rent another place. But with BPD, thinking about consequences doesn’t typically prevent the bad behavior, which is driven by emotional distress, not logical thinking.

I’m not sure how to advise here, except to try to review the obligations of the lease with your daughter, as she might not know how it really works. It’s too bad this sort of thing isn’t generally taught in school.

[js friend]

Hi Inforthewin,

The first thing that came to mind is that my udd always took what others said more seriously than she ever did for me, so hearing from her landlord that they will not tolerate this and other anti-social behaviour under the rules of her lease may actually make an impression on her.

Branching out and becoming an adult is a learning curve, and friends may take advantage of her to use her place, but she wont be able to use this as an excuse for long if there continues to be a threat of eviction looming over her.

[js friend]

* than she ever did from me *