CC43
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 659
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« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2025, 10:36:28 AM » |
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Hi Mamma,
Many parents on this site can relate to your pain. It's so hard seeing children suffer, and we try to help, but nothing we do seems to work. Worse, we're blamed for all her problems.
May I ask, how old is your daughter? Did she graduate from high school and/or college? I'd say, there's a reason she's in bed all day. She's probably depressed. In addition, she doesn't have to get out of bed, because you provide everything for her: room, food, entertainment (through screens) and emotional support. I hate to say it, but if that is true, and if she's an adult, you are enabling her. It's one thing to try to help guide her and get her on her feet. But if she's acting entitled while treating you like dirt, that's another thing altogether. She shouldn't be entitled or treat you like dirt. Having BPD is not an excuse to treat people like dirt.
I know this because my BPD stepdaughter acted the same way when she was untreated. She slept all day, and she was constantly irritated and angry with the world. It's like she was on vacation. At first, vacation felt easy and pleasurable, because she slept all day and was on screens all night. I understand that a little reprieve from the world could be enjoyable; who doesn't need a little downtime now and then? But when that behavior stretched on for weeks, months and years, you know what? She vacated her entire life. Though she seemed able to "pull herself together" to do things she really wanted, she'd quickly retreat to the bedroom again. She became terribly depressed, because she was alienated from everyone. She converted herself into a prisoner of her bedroom, and of her negative, ruminating thoughts. She wasn't doing anything, so she was bored out of her mind. When she lived like a slob, it was a reflection of her life being a total mess. She eat crap, and so she felt like like crap. Her entire life was a reflection of her poor habits. When she scrolled through social media, she was writhing with envy, because it seemed that everyone else had magical lives, while she felt stuck. It seemed she held delusional beliefs about things happening TO her, like becoming an internet star or a fashion model, but she did almost nothing to make her dreams come true. In fact, she regressed, dredging up stories of supposed abuse from her childhood, which she thought was the cause of her failures and dysfunction. At the same time, she lashed out, blaming her parents for all her woes, when deep down, she hated herself. The shame and negative emotions were too much for her to bear, so she projected them onto her family. She'd see-saw between saying we should die and wanting herself to die, because she was in too much pain from the misery and shame. Does that sound about right?
One technique to try is to gray rock. When she's riled up and lashing out at you or talking in circles, rather than getting emotionally reactive and feeding her outburst, you could try to be as quiet and boring as a gray rock. If she gets hostile, extricate yourself from the conversation with a little excuse, like, I have to use the bathroom, I'll call you tomorrow. That way, you give her a time out (i.e. time and space to cool off), disguised as a time out for you, too. You don't reward her hostility with continued attention. But if she's talking about suicide, I'd suggest asking, Do you want me to dial 911 for you? That way, she retains control of the situation. And if she refuses, then you can feel hopeful that she doesn't feel so bad that she needs to go to the hospital. If she does feel that bad, then you can call 911 and hope for a positive outcome, because at the hospital she can get some professional help.
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