Need a do-over

[In4thewin]

Just wondering how to get back on track after a series of setbacks. My BPD diagnosed 19yo daughter seemed to be doing really well for a couple months but things started to unravel a few weeks ago and have gone down hill since.I don't want to go into detail but there was an incident in her apartment that threatened her ability to continue to live there for the second time in a 3 month period, and although I had good reason to be upset and afraid, I didn't handle it in a way I should have.That came to pass and the landlords gave her "one more chance" but from that point on, our interpersonal dynamic continued to go downhill. I had been telling her if she gets evicted that she's going to be on the street, JADEing big time, pointing out her lack of accountability, etc. She was lashing out at me verbally and via text, making threats, demands, etc., and any rational problem solving between the two of us and by either of us went completely out the window. So..... last week I was out out town and an issue cropped up that should have been easily solved without my involvement, but I think due to the downward slide over the couple weeks prior, my daughter went nuts and grabbed into her trusty bag of tricks in order to force me to come to her aid. I refused as this was truly NOTHING and I saw the behavior for what it was---- a desperate attempt to control me, and I stood my ground. She managed to figure out what to do and I'm certain it ended with a better personal result for her than it would have been had i yielded to her demands. So...... the day after her issue was solved BY HER, she called and wanted to talk. I couldn't answer at that time but called her back maybe an hour later. It was pleasant until I told her I was getting out of the car and needed to to get off the phone---about 5 minutes into the call----at which point she just hung up on me. So here we go...... as I'm tired of being disrespected, I called her back and just asked her why she would simply hang up without saying goodbye. Then she started crying saying that never want to talk to her etc. and it was clear that it wasn't going to be productive so we both ended the call. We didn't communicated until the next night after I had gotten back to town. I texted her saying I was back and just wanted her to know, then a little after midnight I got a call which i didn't answer, then the text demands and threats started. She said she had had a headache for HOURS and didn't have anything in her apartment and demanded that I help her solve this. She was rude an demanding. Now...... had she just texted or called saying " I have a headache and don't have any Tylenol, could I please run over to pick some up?" I would have gladly helped her, but this wasn't about a headache. It was about trying to force me to do something at a late hour. So what happens? I tell her that I'm sleeping, but continue to take her bait, and we end up texting back and forth with her venting her grievances, and me JADEing all the way. Then SHE ending the communication which I give her credit for.  Lastly, the next day which was yesterday, I was feeling bad in general and was concerned because I hadn't heard from her. So I reached out via text and she responded. So did I leave good enough alone? Nope. I ended up sending her long JADE text which must have thrown her over the edge because she ended up showing up at my door trying to bust in, screaming at the back door, BEGGING me to let her in etc. I was scared because she was totally unhinged. I wouldn't let her in and then eventually she went back to her apartment but not before making a total scene that I'm sure plenty of neighbors heard. No communication today. I'm very disappointed in myself all the way around. She's been in an online IOP for two months, after moving out of the house, without any attendance issues. And again, things seemed to be going very well aside from the hiccup at her apartment--- which involved pot. We had just started the family therapy element when the eviction thing came up for the second time too. Now everything has been completely dialed back and I know that I played a part in how things initially blew up and continued to escallate. I should have done better but at this point I just really want to figure out how to start again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

First thing's first- you're human.  That means you'll never be perfect and mistakes are inevitable.  We all say or do things that are counter-productive and you have to accept that.

Throughout your conversations above, I see a kid who wants her mom.  That's a good thing.  But she's trying to get attention with the wrong form of manipulation- lying, persuasion, etc.  Being loving, caring, and vulnerable can also be manipulation...it achieves the same goal through honesty.  That was a big part of my BPD daughter's growth, figuring that out.  She could simply call and tell dad that she's having a bad day and needs someone to talk to, and I'd be on my way.

If you want a do-over, then the path is what others talk about here every single day in every single thread.  Offer some grace and apologize for hurting your daughter's feelings.  Feelings are real and valid, regardless of how someone gets there.  Your kid just wants to be seen and heard.  So let her know you see her, you hear her.  That's the reset you're looking for.

When things are good, that's the time to talk about responsibilities in life and boundaries.  When things are bad, that's the time to focus on feelings and get through the moment.  They're two different seasons because your kid thinks completely different in each of those scenarios.  When she's calm and stable, she thinks like all of us.  When she's unhinged, she relies on emotion as the world spirals around her.  It's almost two different people with two very different needs.

When she's dysregulated, things get out of hand.  Maybe you JADE, because that's the logical thing to do despite our best intentions.  What actually matters is what you do next, after the chaos is subdued.  All you can do is rebuild that bridge, apologize for your mistakes and validate the valid.  That's all any of us can do with a BPD kid.

[In4thewin]

I really needed that Pook. Thank you.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Hang in there, the transition to adulthood is really hard for pwBPD.  I'm with Pook and see a kid that still really needs her mom.  Maybe at times she seems like she's ready to be independent, but calling to ask you to get her medicine or otherwise inventing ways to get your attention or get you to come over scream, she still needs you desperately, though she probably doesn't want to admit it.  And with BPD, negative attention still counts as attention.

Just yesterday I had a flashback about the first few years when my BPD stepdaughter (as well as her high-conflict sister) tried to move out of the parental home.  I write "tried" because there were many evictions, rebounds and home visits that extended well beyond the occasional vacation.  My BPD stepdaughter currently has a stable rooming situation, but she's tired of it and wants to move somewhere else.  This time though, she's the one who has to make it happen, and she can't expect her dad and me to do everything for her (i.e. find her a job, find her an apartment, sign the lease and move her in).  The situation has her very nervous, but since she has gotten treatment for BPD, it hasn't derailed her yet.  However, I will say that she has been spending A LOT of time with us in our home these last few months.  It seems contradictory--she wants to move away and become more independent, but she seems to need us more than ever.  At least she's being nice, though.

Anyway, I had a flashback because I recently said to my husband, your daughter is an adult, she'll have to figure out how to get a job and move away if that's what she really wants.  Remember, your older daughter did the same thing, and she did OK.  But then my husband reminded me, things weren't so hot at first, because the older daughter's initial forays into independent living didn't go so well.  She was evicted, police were called a few times, and the father of her roommate called to complain, etc.  I had forgotten (or not been told) about those hiccups.  Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that living independently is not an easy transition, especially for BPD and high-conflict/highly emotional people.  I'm guessing there's a mix of cluelessness, self-centeredness, distress, exasperation with how hard adulting is, and, perhaps above all, loneliness.  And with BPD, her emotional intelligence level is probably trailing her chronological age.  Though her body and pocketbook is 19, her emotional brain probably still operates at a tween or early teen level.  Think super-sized feelings, lack of grit, inability to problem-solve, intolerance of distress or disappointment, etc.  It seems to me your daughter could be very challenged by independent living, and what you're experiencing is the manifestation of that.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I resonate with your situation and am sorry you are going through this.  I seem to be BPD cursed b/c my daughter was diagnosed & my granddaughters' mother; my daughter cut off ties with me, her father, sister and nieces (see granddaughter reference) but the MOTHER, I cannot begin to say how many times she calls me a day; calling ENDlessly until I pick up; she's asked us to come at night b/c she ran out of gas, bring her groceries, needed her car jumped, she is always asking for money, etc. (it used to be worse when the kids were little, because she would just NEED); the last couple of months, I am really trying BOUNDARIES (this one is hard b/c I worry about the kids, however, I "loaned" her $100; after that we all went to the movies, I paid for dinner and the movie; she spent $48 on popcorn for EACH kid and souvenier buckets, so...I am starting to pull back...anyway, the point!  I wish I knew how to navigate better and hold to my boundaries....we are all just human!  I hope things turn around for you (at least your pwBPD speaks to you, ! although, I hear from others in this situation that is not always the blessing it appears)

[Pook075]

I really needed that Pook. Thank you.

No problem at all, I can completely relate almost every day.  The worst is behind my daughter and I though, so I'm eternally grateful.  Hoping you get there as well!

[In4thewin]

Thank everyone. I needed a reminder that a transition to place of her own could be challenging with any kid, but that it's particularly tricky with BPD. To add some more backstory, last week when I was out of town I was actually there because I had finished renovating a house that took a lot longer than expected, and it's 2.5 hours from where my daughter's apartment is. She was actually going to be with me, but events over a few days leading up to us leaving signaled that it would be a very bad idea to bring her. That house is supposed to serve as a fresh start and safe place for me after years of turmoil, some having nothing to do with my daughter, and given her level of dysregulation I wasn't going to risk any embarrassing scenes. So I pulled the plug on taking her and she wasn't even fully aware she wasn't going until I was already on the road. Now I know that might sound cruel, but her behavior the night before was so unhinged and out of control that she really shouldn't have had any expectation that I'd still be taking her, and she was put on notice that I was going to have to think further about taking her. I just knew that if I told her my decision was already made I wouldn't have been able to leave without yet another big scene because she'd show up and literally try to stop me from going without her. All that said though, it seems obvious now that my new ability to come and go between two houses, only one which she can access at this point must really be firing up her fears of abandonment, because she started acting up again only when this house became move-in ready. I was really sad that I couldn't take her because I ultimately want that house to be a landing pad for her as well if she ends up starting college in the spring (current plan), but everyone thought I'd be nuts to even consider taking her last week based on her level of dyregulation, and I agreed. Hopefully we can try it again for just a few days within a relatively short period of time but for now I think she really just needs to focus on her IOP and we can revisit the idea in a family session.