I am at breaking point with my bpd daughter

[Brokenparent]

I guess, like all Mothers of a beautiful bpd daughter who you love so much, you reach breaking point. And here I am. Nowhere to turn, so tired of my kindness, love and devotion being abused.

I am desperate to understand why my daughter seems to enjoy punishing me, usually after an act of me showing love or kindness or something along those lines.

She is 24, a married Mother of a precious little 1year old. I do everything I possibly can to show love and support but it feels like I’m in the same abusive relationship with her that I was with her alcoholic father who passed away a few years ago from alcohol abuse.

I am struggling to cope emotionally and I just don’t know how to carry on. Every time I start to feel like I am getting somewhere with her and I start to feel happy, it’s as if she enjoys wiping the smile off my face and I cannot understand why she resents me so much.

This does sound like I’m making it all about me but believe you me, it’s usually all about her. I understand all the fears that come with BPD and I have done a lot of research to do my best to help her but it’s very hard when you are caught up in this abusive cycle of being punished regularly.

I know I have to start protecting myself and set boundaries but I have such a soft heart and she knows how to manipulate me.If I try to assert myself, I get shot down in flames.

My health is starting to suffer as I have recently been diagnosed with heart problems etc etc.

I am hoping to get some answers on this forum as I have nowhere else to turn. I can’t afford a therapist. I have spent whatever money I had on her care and therapy. How do I harden my heart towards my child that I love so much? How do I help her without being constantly punished? It’s making me physically ill and very depressed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Brokenparent
The journey with a loved BPD child is enough to bring any parent to breaking point. The rollercoaster ride of being able to connect, then cut off or abused, wanted then not – on it goes.

It is such a confusing illness because of the mood swings, the inability to recognize how much love is/has been given to them – indeed how fortunate they are to have someone who loves them so much in their life.

I do not think that you have to harden your heart – but we all have to change within ourselves to walk beside our loved BPD child. Each one of us has a different situation and some things are helpful in one situation and perhaps not in another. I can only mention the things that have helped me on a journey from being an absolute wreck of anxiety to understanding and coping.

One thing was realizing that my DD was wired differently. When I got those frantic calls with a problem that had to be fixed NOW – well I used to panic up myself and get to in order to fix it. In the end whenever the phone rang I went into panic attack mode.

Somehow I came to realize that DD needed time and space for her emotions to go from high alert to near to normal. So I started not to answer the first call and wait to see. With mobile phones I don’t necessarily answer a phone call if DD has not left a message.

I know that DD reaches for her phone immediately something happens or is said. With no response the emotion can pass. So that has been very helpful. Realizing that I can help her more by giving her space than I can stepping in and trying to solve the problem.

Another thing is to jump off the rollercoaster ride that BPD takes you on. At first I saw this as not being drawn into the deep pain of my DD – but then I saw that it also meant I had to be careful when things seemed good. When things were good, then I would take a step too far and offer advice or something – and DD would be set off.

I think I operated in a way of ‘I love DD therefore I need to make it better and solve things’, but of course I can’t. So I have had to change so much about myself – but the love for my DD has not changed.

I came across a poem by Nelson Mandela called ‘Letting go’. If you can find it on the internet, have a read, choose one or two of the sentences and repeat them over and over to yourself. This was an enormous help to me.

If you can’t find the poem let me know and I will post it here. It changed so much for me.
Thinking of you . . .