My daughter

[Bi]

Hi. I am not even sure what I want to say. My daughter is 22, has been exhibiting symptoms since she was very young. Things get so bad so quickly now and I am out of resources at this point. Kommatter what tools I provide she doesn't stay on the path.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lauters]

Hello,

I made my first post last week, and I somehow had the same feeling as you have: where to begin? But I received a lot of responses to my post ('did I do something wrong?'): it made me feel as being understood and less alone coping with my family situation. This forum will not be able to solve any problems, but we can offer support and a listening ear. And that means a lot!

I just read 'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personalit Disorder' by Randi Kreger. I found it very helpful; I even made a 8 pages long synthesis of it. The second part of the book is about communication and provides an overview of Power Tools that can be used to better manage, or even avoid, crisis situations.

[CC43]

Hi there,

As you’ve been dealing with this for years, you must be exhausted and losing hope. But if it’s BPD, it’s treatable. The rub is that your daughter has to want to make some changes so she can start to feel better. The good news is, she’s only 22, BPD doesn’t have to derail her entire life.

My advice is to take care of you first. You’re no good to your daughter if you are destroyed and depleted.

My next advice is to think about baby steps. What would you say is your biggest issue right now?  Does your daughter live with you?  Like a freeloader?  Does she sleep all day and hate you full time?  Is she using illicit drugs?  Did she finish high school?  Did she take any college courses?  Has she ever held a job, even if for only a few days?  Is she violent?  Are run-ins with police an ongoing issue?  The next baby step you take would depend on the situation. But I’d advise, focus on one thing at a time, because change is hard.  For both of you.

I think the worst part of BPD is the victim attitude. Your daughter will blame other people for all her problems, while believing that she’s helpless and blameless. Change is really hard when she doesn’t take responsibility. And if you shield her from the consequences of her own decisions, you are enabling her.  That is also a very difficult situation—shielding your daughter from consequences is preventing her from learning life’s lessons.  And so the self-destructive cycle continues. Does that sound familiar?

Meanwhile, she’s an emotional terrorist. She has you worried sick, whether you are walking on eggshells trying to avoid a meltdown, reeling with guilt, hurting from her accusations of an abusive childhood, or grieving the loss of a loving relationship. Plus you are worried sick about the future. Do I have that right?  I guess my advice here is that, though your daughter rides an emotional rollercoaster, you don’t have to ride alongside  her. If you disengage when she’s dysregulated, you can avoid feeding the fire of her emotions, and you can keep a more even keel for yourself. If she’s raging, let her have an adult time out, and don’t interrupt it!  Only engage when she has calmed down. In the meantime, you live your life.

All my best to you.