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CC43
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« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2025, 09:48:25 PM » |
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Hi there,
What I see in your interactions with your son are some typical BPD dynamics. On the one hand, I see your genuine concern for his welfare and his ability to earn a living while also taking care of a young child. It's fairly typical for pwBPD to have a hard time keeping a job, because their emotional instability can get in the way of staying organized, being productive and handling work stress. Reading between the lines, there might be some general competency issues as well. Maybe by helping out your son so much, you have been over-functioning for him, in the name of keeping him stable and alive. But in the process, maybe he hasn't really learned how to function effectively and maturely, independently from you. Maybe he hasn't had to fend for himself enough, because you have always been there to do the worring, the arranging and fixing for him. And now, he's feeling incompetent, possibly behind his peers. Maybe he simply forgot about his son's pick-ups, assuming that you'd do everything for him, even without asking. It's typical for pwBPD to have a strong sense of entitlement--he feels you OWE him to do what he wants you to do, when he wants it. But the second you try to explain it's not convenient for you (How dare you?), he's extremely irritated, and he might think you're narcissistic, self-centered and trying to hurt him. That's a typical, knee-jerk, angry reaction of a pwBPD who doesn't get his way.
Maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but I sense a couple of other things going on. On the one hand, your son might feel ashamed that his small business didn't work out. Shame is a huge trigger with BPD. Even if you've told him you're proud of him, it's never enough. PwBPD need constant reassurance, possibly because they have a weak sense of self. They tend to take any setback as a personal failure, not a tough situation to learn from. When reeling from a setback, any questions from you are likely to feel intrusive and judgmental, rather than mere requests for information about logistics. He's simultaneously very sensitive and defensive.
Another possibility is that he feels intense anxiety about his new job. If you have been over-functioning for him in life, it's possible that your son finds adult administrative matters to be confusing and overwhelming, especially when starting a new venture. I'm saying that because I think this issue plagues my own adult stepdaughter with BPD. For example, she's unclear about how to use public transportation, and she forgets to ask if there is free parking on the employer's premises. She neglects to clarify her work hours, her start date, and to ask about how benefits work (healthcare? transportation subsidies? training opportunities? tuition assistance?). Anyway, the impression I get is one of confusion, and general fear, which has the effect of paralizing pwBPD. I think that they grapple with feeling inferior and incompetent a lot of the time, and a new job with all its uncertainties can be a huge trigger. Instead of a positive internal dialogue (I'm competent, there's training, I'll figure it out, it's exciting to start a new job), the internal dialogue is negative (I'm anxious, what if they think I'm not good enough, nobody will like me, this is too overwhelming). Even if your son has everything figured out, he might neglect to inform you because he's oblivious! He doesn't realize that you have a life to organize as well; his assumption might be that you'll drop everything to do his bidding, just as you've always done, and anything less than that is "abandoning" him. The second you mention YOUR life and YOUR needs, he feels disrespected and angry. In typical BPD fashion, he'll overreact and cut you out (both to get away from your "neediness" and to punish you). But as soon as he needs something--money, logistical support, administrative support--he's back in touch. The relationship oftentimes feels transactional, all take and no give. Does that sound about right? If it does, it's because it's classic BPD behavior.
Let me guess, your son often blames you for all his problems. That's also classic BPD. I think the reason is twofold. First, you've been over-functioning for him, and he hasn't had to face the natural consequences of his own choices and behaviors. Second, deep down he feels intense shame, which hurts so much that he can't take it. Rather than sit with his feelings, reflect, take responsibility for himself and find a way forward, he blames YOU for all his problems, to avoid his internal pain.
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