Complete Despair

[Ocean17]

Hey!

So my daughter is 15, shes been out of education for 2 years now, making very little progress with home education. I strongly suspect she has Petulant subtype BPD. She is such a loving soul but she loves so fiercely and has extremely high standards for the love she receives in return. She currently has a diagnosis of ADHD and Anxiety, shes receiving help through mental health services but they seem to write off all my concerns. I cant tell her I believe this is what she has as she will reject it and take complete offense. I am at her beck and call 24/7, I realise this is likely my fault why she has developed this and I am desperately trying g to backpedal and do what I can to resolve things, however in the process I've adhered to all her expectations of me and have not maintained boundaries. Examples of her behaviour are - she wants to sleep in my bed with me often - this would be okay if I didnt have a partner, however she will 'punish' me for days when she brings the subject up and I say no. She wants me to take her out whenever she is ready, be it going for drives, to macdonalds etc and currently shes left to go to her Dad's house because I was unavailable to hang out with her because I had work. Its been 3 days now and for the first time in her life shes gone completely cold with me and wont engage at all. I am her world and she mine, we are together constantly due to the gone ed, and I am so distraught with worry that she will do something impulsive to harm herself. Shes cut all her friends off, extended family members, professionals who challenge her behaviours (through CBT) and now its my turn. It breaks my heart. I have tried everything, all I've read about how to handle her behaviour is what I've been doing - respect her freedom, love her constantly, give reassurance all the time, talk through situations constantly, I rarely tell her off as she perceives this as rejection and will again 'punish' me for days. I feel sick that this is my fault, and what she may be capable of doing. She has all the traits and this diagnosis fits her completely where nothing else really has.. I guess I just need to vent, and get advice from others on the ground so to speak rather than reading paragraphs of websites. Shes completely isolating herself through fear of abandonment and I feel powerless to stop her. Shes highly emotionally intelligent but at the same time takes it too far. She can read a room in a second, analyse others behaviours with astounding accuracy, however shes always overridden by this abandonment fear and the constant perception that shes being wronged. It seem to only be intensifying so obviously what im doing is just not working. We have family therapy coming up, and a psych appointment for potential meds, however shes still labelled as just having 'anxiety and low mood' and no matter how much i try to explain her behaviours at home, she puts on a good show and no one takes much notice.  But if they treat her for the wrong things how will she ever improve?

Any insight or experiences would be greatly appreciated, I've not met a single soul who can relate to our experiences in real life so im feeling really isolated and cut off. I just want her to be happy and healthy at this point, regardless of education or where she lives..

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Ocean17
There is so much in your post that I can relate to. Firstly the fact that there isn’t anyone in your life circle that can relate to the situation you face on a daily basis. My goodness I found this so difficult. I kept trying to talk to my friends etc but they all just suggested tough love formulas or behaviour management techniques.

At about 15 years old I got DD to a paediatric psychiatrist. Among other things he said ‘The usual behaviour management procedures are often not appropriate or successful in these circumstances.

You can tell by the fact that this has stayed in my mind, that it meant a lot to me!

I can also relate to being at a point of total frustration, trying to find help and support. I remember being in a frantic state.

Just a couple of comments re BPD. My DD got her diagnosis as an adult. I couldn’t be involved in the process. I am sure that she has ADHD too, and, if I had been more conscious of co-morbidities and she had been treated for the ADHD, her life could have been different.

There isn’t a particular medication for BPD – as far as I understand atm. But if you look at the illnesses as a continuum, you see that many signs and symptoms can overlap.

The night is the worst time for my DDs anxiety. I fought hard many times to get her to take an ordinary, prescribed antidepressant. I could see the positive effect. I could also see that they didn’t solve the issues of her BPD, but nights much better, a much higher threshold for triggering.

I can also understand the impact of no school attendance. My gd – DD’s daughter – has not been to school for several years and she has symptoms of ADHD, anxiety and depression. She rated highly on these three categories. I have been trying to get her to be open to help, but to no avail – until recently! For the past few years, GD has been impulsive, unable to sleep, on edge and touchy – I could go on! Your comment about having to drive your DD struck a chord with me.

GD – like her mum – is very anti medication. She thinks they will make things worse, they won’t work, she can’t swallow them – etc etc. Her GP gave her many referrals to other professionals. We would get to the door and she wouldn’t go in. Referrals for blood tests – nope, needle phobic etc.

Finally she agreed to try a simple anti anxiety/depression meds. That was just a few weeks ago. She is busing to a gym three times a week, she is going to KFC next week for a job trial. She is still anxious about heaps, but much more functional.

I am rambling on, but I wanted to say just a few things:

1.   You are not alone. Whenever you feel alone, stop and think ‘there are so many people out there going through exactly what I am going through’.
2.   BPD is very complex and if some aspects of it are helped it can make a great difference.
3.   BPD is one of the toughest gigs in the world. Try not to merge with you DD – be with her on the journey, but not trying to direct too much.
4.   Find space for yourself in all of this because you are in a marathon rather than a sprint.
Take care Ocean17