How do I get back in contact with my wife

[Alex V]

Dear all,
My Story(in very short)
I met my wife almost 27 years ago. For the first year and a half, we were madly in love. Everything was beautiful and wonderful.
There were a few minor things that I now see in a different light. Early on in our relationship, she had an angry outburst that resulted in a chair being broken. I grabbed her and calmed her down. I have no idea what caused it, but I know it wasn't me. On our first vacation, after knowing each other for about nine months, she suggested that she wanted to move to another country. To live and work there. I was completely taken aback. “What about me, us?” I was very sad at that moment. We never talked about it again. It was never mentioned and it never happened. While we both still had our own homes, I came home one day and suddenly there were two chairs from her house in my house. I was surprised and a little angry. What is this? This is my house. “It's nice,” she said. I said no, because it's my house. The result: yes, I gave in and the chairs stayed. On vacation, she explained something to someone in a language she didn't speak very well. I jumped in, or took over, I don't remember. The result: she was furious. I was never allowed to do that again.
Years later, we now have a house together and two children. She occasionally has angry outbursts that are quite intimidating. Things sometimes get broken. Once she stood in front of me with a knife. Once she physically attacked me. I grabbed her again and pushed her to the ground. Once she tried to kick me out of bed. We always had drinks on Friday afternoons at a set time. Due to her busy work schedule, this routine fell by the wayside. One Friday, I come home and she is sitting there with drinks ready (after literally weeks of not having drinks). She is furious that I am so late because we always have drinks on Fridays.
During the time we have been together, she has temporarily moved out twice. That lasted about two or three months. After that, things got better again. We never talked about what was really going on. I was just happy that things were good again. Eight months ago, after a very intense period, she said she wanted to leave. I told her she should go. She left with the dog, leaving the children, the house, and me behind. She is in contact with the children. All she says is that she wants a divorce. There is no dialogue possible. Everything goes wrong. I got very angry last week. I am devastated. I see no way forward. She recently asked me if I realized how it feels for her when I say she should just leave. She wanted to leave herself! I just said, “Go ahead and do it.” Since I got angry, I've been trying to figure out what this is all about. She once told me that she doesn't have BP. Someone I told about my experiences also said it seems like borderline personality disorder. I think so too now.
My question now is, how do I reconnect with her? I know I need to respond with empathy, but I often can't manage that anymore. I don't really know how to behave around her anymore (when she picks up or drops off the kids, who are 19 and 21). I love the sweet version, but I can no longer tolerate the unreachable, angry version. How can I subtly open the door?
Thaks you very much for your help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

You will find excellent communication skills, strategies, boundaries and more on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.  One skill - JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) - doesn't work well with most people with BPD traits (pwBPD).  For them, they see the world in emotions and perceptions, logic doesn't work.

Better approaches are SET or DEARMAN.

Understand that she may not be able to truly listen to you due to her perceptions of the emotional baggage from the past years.  BPD impacts most the closest of relationships.  If she is willing to start and apply therapy  - actually you, your spouse, the children would all  benefit from counseling - she may listen better to someone with whom she's not in an emotional relationship.

The reality is that if she's determined to divorce, it will happen.  It only takes one spouse and the family court will passively referee the process.  Fortunately the children are adults and therefore there are no custody or parenting matters to complicate a divorce.

Let me add that your children too would benefit from counseling.  Likely they've grown up in a home with discord and some level of discord, without insight and guidance they might otherwise be inclined to seek out adult relationships similar to the dysfunction they saw with their parents' relationship.

[Alex V]

Dear people,

Last week I had a conversation with my wife with (suspected) BPD and I noticed a few things wondered me. I would like to hear how you see them.

She indicated that her father used to be very protective.
She felt very safe with him, she said.
However if someone did something to her, she didn't tell him, because she was afraid, he would go after that person and do something to him.
In addition, I mentioned that she had told me before that when she came home, she always "scanned" her father to see what kind of mood he was in.
He could be quite angry often.
I have always seen that as unsafe.
Now, however, she says she felt very safe.
What is happening here now?

She told me this week that she wanted me to have someone who loves and sees me.
I then asked her why she can't be that person.
She reacted defensively / agressively.
I threw it back at her, she said.
Why couldn't I receive it?
I said she gave me something I was not looking for.
We almost got into a fight about that and almost went into the old pattern of explaining what happened instead of recognizing the feelings (and we didnot recognize the feeling).
I do recognize that I probably gave in to this in the past and that I don't do it anymore.
I am very curious about your visions on this.

Thanks in advance.

Alex

[kells76]

In terms of her thoughts about her father, many people continue to reevaluate and reprocess childhood memories and experiences as they age. It's kind of like a kaleidoscope -- none of the individual pieces have changed, but by rotating it, you get a different possibility for how the pieces fit together.

She may have been processing or pondering the past, which all of us do. If BPD is in play, then the difference might be that her feelings or opinions about it are more intense, and might change more abruptly.

Was she asking for your perspective or opinion about her father, too? Or more just processing out loud?

My thought is that the content of what she's talking about here is less important than how the conversation is handled. It's really important to recognize that truly listening without judgment or opinion may be more valuable there than "giving her the right perspective". Yes, she says she feels something about the situation that strikes you as odd... is there something in there that you can hear?

...

In your second interaction, you mention that it almost turned into a fight.

What changed or was done differently so that it didn't turn into a fight?

[Alex V]

HI Kells76

I told her about the things that came back from my youth. She then told me about her farther. I challenged friendly, saying she scanned her dad when he came home.

I really need to learn to listen to the feelings in stead of the words. Really hard for me. I know it, but practising is something else. I feels to me she is rewriting history to make it bearable.
In the past she has blamed me for being just like her father in a fight and now he is a saint. Does she need to believe he was safe, so she can feel safe now?

I think it did not turn into a fight, because I now saw what was happening. I pointed it out. I said we started arguing about somethiung else. It then stoppen.
Am I learning after all?

Thank you so much for your reply.
It is very helpfull for me, you asking me questions, to enable me to look from a different angle.
Thanks