Medication

[cats4justice]

I need some advice specifically on medication.

My pwBPD decided to go off of her anti depressant over the holiday but still stay on benzo. I asked her if she was working with her doctor which she said she was not, and I pressed to say that it seemed dangerous to do this alone and without advice, and she returned with my body my choice. Once she did get in to see her doctor, they won't prescribe her benzos without an antidepressant. She is now blaming me pretty intensely for pressing her. For her taking my advice and seeing her doctor. I don't know what to do. I have been through med changes with her before and it can be pretty scary. I just want to help and because she is blaming me for going to her doctor in the first place, she won't let me. Any advice?

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome.  I went through something similar with my BPD daughter, who would frequently stop taking her meds or find ways to self-medicate.

First off, of course she is blaming you- that's what BPDs do.  If it's not your fault, then who's fault is it?  Because in her mind, it can't be her fault because that would mean there could potentially be something wrong that she has to work on.  So she's clearly going to blame you.

And truthfully, in this one instance, it is your fault.  You made an adult decision about some very powerful meds and your decision was correct.  Why shy away from that?  You did what's in her best interests because she wouldn't do it herself.

For the last line, you just wanting to help her, go back to the 2nd paragraph one more time.  She blames you because she can't accept that there's a problem to begin with.  That's the real problem here, the untreated mental illness, and there's not a single thing you can do in this world to "help her" choose to take therapy seriously.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for her is allow her to make her own decisions, her own mistakes, and then to live with the consequences herself.  Every time you rush in to save her, that tells her disordered mind that you're helping because it's all your fault.  And that thinking enables her to make even worse decisions in the future.

[Notwendy]

If you are in the US, benzos are a controlled substance so eventually your pwBPD would run out and need a new prescription. Because they are addictive, her doctor can't just prescribe them without a specific reason, because the standard is to choose a drug that isn't addictive. This is why the prescription for the antidepressant is needed as the main treatment. It's not the doctor's personal rule, it's a standard of medical practice.

None of this is your fault. Your partner would have to have gone to the doctor eventually for a new prescription when she ran out. Even if the doctor prescribed both- the choice to actually take the medicine is up to her. She could still take only the benzo if she wants.

So really, there's nothing to blame you for. It would have gone this way anyway and she can still decide to take the antidepressant or not. So your getting into this with her just becomes a conflict, with no other outcome.

I understand your feelings and wanting your pwBPD to stay healthy and mentally well. As an adult though, she makes her own choices. My BPD mother chose how to take her own medicine too, whether or not it was wise to do it or what we wanted. This was a matter between her and her doctor. I agree with Pook- you getting into this only results in conflict, so best to let her make her own decisions.

[cats4justice]

Thank you both for the very wise counsel. It is clear to me that I have zero control over this situation and most others if I am honest with myself. Over 10 years together, I have rushed to help or save something that clearly could not be saved by me. The conflict it creates leaves us both distant, and has resulted in my children removing themselves from her life. They are adults and feel it is in their own best interest to stay away. It doesn't seem to get any easier. Good to hear that I am not alone. I have been working with my own therapist to figure out if I can do this for another 10 years. I'm not sure that I can.  Thank you for the reply.

[Pook075]

Thank you both for the very wise counsel. It is clear to me that I have zero control over this situation and most others if I am honest with myself. Over 10 years together, I have rushed to help or save something that clearly could not be saved by me. The conflict it creates leaves us both distant, and has resulted in my children removing themselves from her life. They are adults and feel it is in their own best interest to stay away. It doesn't seem to get any easier. Good to hear that I am not alone. I have been working with my own therapist to figure out if I can do this for another 10 years. I'm not sure that I can.  Thank you for the reply.

You absolutely can do this for 10 more years...you simply remove the toxic patterns from the interactions and place your own self-worth above hers.  If she gets ugly, you leave or hang up or block further messages.  The abusive stuff instantly stops and you have the power to do that at any time.

Now, pushing back and asserting boundaries will make things worse before it gets better...be prepared for that because it's 100% normal.  I mean, who actually likes new rules in our lives?  So she'll push back and that's when you must state that you're not arguing or accepting abuse.  If it doesn't stop, you walk away.  And you do this every time until a new pattern forms.

At the same time though, you can still be loving, caring, compassionate, etc.  I'm not saying to be mean or ugly.  I'm simply saying to teach right from wrong like you would a child. 

When things are normal, that's fantastic and you can have fun together.  When things are ugly, you ask them to stop and if they don't, you withdraw.  And if they escalate, you dial 9-1-1.  Doing this process over and over again makes your intentions crystal clear...you're not going to walk on eggshells anymore.  And maybe you're the one that's cut off for awhile.  That's fine though, it's still getting the boundaries across and refusing to be abused.

I hope that helps!