I don't even know what's happening anymore

[lisaea1523]

I tried to get him to move out due to emotional outbursts no longer tolerable he kept saying he would and putting it off but he never left. He had a positive "break through" conversation with my kids in an attempt to calm and reassure them- this was the main issue for the separation. Ever since I told him I wanted him to move out he has been extremely withdrawn and depressed. We are barely talking at all. He only leaves for a few hours and then comes back and we sit together in silence and misery. He is very involved with our 10 week old and seems to find joy and purpose caring for the baby. He will talk to me about her needs but nothing else. We're sleeping in the same bed again. Sex is completely off the table- he refuses. He will let me hug him and kiss him on the cheek, pet his hair or rub his back but he doesn't touch me at all. Sometimes he asks me to do a small simple favor for him like food, ect I think it's a test to see if I still care. I do these things of course. We are EXTREMELY emeshed with one another- I don't do anything for myself. I just went back to work. Both of us are a mental wreck- depressed, no energy or motivation. I went to a dr and got on medication a few weeks ago. I'm on a waitlist for a therapist who can hopefully help us both. I feel completely stuck and incapable of change. He switched from the outward angry outbursts and dramatic emotions to complete shut down. I have no idea what is going to happen- I wonder how long can things continue this way??? How long will he stay in the relationship as it currently is until he's had enough. Will he eventually leave? Idk. If he is happy- I'm happy. I definitely feel all of his emotions and am significantly impacted by his moods. They have a direct impact on mine so we are both just stuck like this and nothing is changing not even for a moment. Maybe he only stays to help with the baby because he's afraid I can't do it on my own. But again how long can things continue this way or what will happen next?? The uncertainty is driving me insane.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi lisaea1523 !

I have reviewed your first, second, and third posts.

From what I read, I see signs of codependency. Do you agree? Please self-evaluate yourself and read more about it as needed.

The fact that he is withdrawn and depressed rather than outbursting is good. But this will certainly not stand. The outbursts will come back. So you'll have to learn how to enforce boundaries, and if he does not allow you to do so, you'll have to force both of you to proceed into a living-apart-together relationship.

But it seems like you won't be able to do that until you have solved your issue with being enmeshed with him. The enmeshment actually makes his disorder worse, and it prevents you from stepping firm. Let me make an analogy here: how can a mom teach a child to control their emotions when her own emotions are affected by the child's? She can't. That's exactly what happens with my wife. She can't deal with your 2-year-old, but with me everything goes well. So before he learns to stop taking it out on you and the kids, you'll have to learn how to be well on your own, regardless of his mood.

We are EXTREMELY emeshed with one another- I don't do anything for myself.
...
I definitely feel all of his emotions and am significantly impacted by his moods. They have a direct impact on mine so we are both just stuck like this and nothing is changing not even for a moment.

Please seek your own treatment. In my case, audible self-help books worked, but usually a human therapist is needed to heal your wounds that lead to your adult attachment issues, childhood emotional neglect, etc.

[lisaea1523]

From what I read, I see signs of codependency. Do you agree?

Yes I agree absolutely - I have sought out help for myself and I know this is essential. I have found the tools page and discussion board on co-depedency here as well which was very helpful. Finding a way to NOT be so impacted by his emotions & behaviors is crucial for my own mental health. I absolutely do love him and want the relationship to survive. This is a very vulnerable time for both he and I. I need to become better at setting boundaries - I can set boundaries easily with other people but not with him - it's proving to be very challenging.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi lisaea1523 ,

That's great that you are using the tools on this site, but I'm talking about something much deeper that is only about you and not about the relationship.

For instance, in my case, although I had gone through harsh times in my childhood, I didn't have any trauma, so I thought I was ok. But I only realized I wasn't ok when I was struck by a life event. I had an excellent job, but I was losing it after 10 years because it had become boring and I couldn't do it anymore. So they changed my contract, and I knew it was over. Suddenly, I got the feeling that the world was coming down on me. I felt weak and totally unprotected. At the same time, I was able to notice that my emotional reaction was not supposed to be so strong, so I began investigating what was wrong. It turns out that I had some wounds caused by emotional neglect.

It's now time for you to do your own investigation and subsequent work towards healing. You might have to do this before making progress in your relationship.