Stuck: silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

my wife wBPD  has been very exhausted lately. She works full time, school, internship and is a leader in community engagement.
I work full time and am also engaged in the community volunteering and activism.

I'm well aware of her workload and I try to Put things in place to support her. Chores, errands, to dos,etc. when she is not splitting, she thanks me for my support. when I forget to do something, or if our plans change and I don't adjust my actions fast enough, I am instantly the devil.

To be very honest, I have done a very poor job refraining from JADEing.

we have had numerous fights about how much I don't care what a full plate she has and that I don't do anything to support her- instead she feels that by me not stepping up, the burden is on her shoulders. she has said many times recently that I'm the worst partner and that she would have never married me. the. The kitchen sinking starts. she even says "maybe when I leave you , you will understand what it means to care about someone and you can learn how to do that with your next relationship"... .

tonight, our volunteering plans changed and instead of going somewhere, we invited people to our house. I was in the middle of doing something when the plans changed. She helped me and then started cleaning. Then she got so angry when I said I would finish my project in a few minutes.
she got more rageful after I apologized and called me names. I snapped and yelled back and caller her a b*tch. I feel so ashamed because I NEVER get into tit for tat. I just couldn't take it... .it's been a weekly thing now and I was so careful to make sure we had a peaceful Friday together

She left the house and said she was not coming back. My gut tells me she said that in rage (and she didn't take any things with her).
but she has been gone for a few hours and I don't know what to do.
I feel like if I text or call that I will be cycling back into a pattern instead of sitting with the responsibility that I handled this very badly.
If I don't reach out then I'm afraid that it will be more evidence for her that I don't care.
I feel manipulated but I also feel partially accountable for this.
Help?

[Letloverule]

my wife wBPD  has been very exhausted lately. She works full time, school, internship and is a leader in community engagement.
I work full time and am also engaged in the community volunteering and activism.

I'm well aware of her workload and I try to Put things in place to support her. Chores, errands, to dos,etc. when she is not splitting, she thanks me for my support. when I forget to do something, or if our plans change and I don't adjust my actions fast enough, I am instantly the devil.

To be very honest, I have done a very poor job refraining from JADEing.

we have had numerous fights about how much I don't care what a full plate she has and that I don't do anything to support her- instead she feels that by me not stepping up, the burden is on her shoulders. she has said many times recently that I'm the worst partner and that she would have never married me. the. The kitchen sinking starts. she even says "maybe when I leave you , you will understand what it means to care about someone and you can learn how to do that with your next relationship"... .

tonight, our volunteering plans changed and instead of going somewhere, we invited people to our house. I was in the middle of doing something when the plans changed. She helped me and then started cleaning. Then she got so angry when I said I would finish my project in a few minutes.
she got more rageful after I apologized and called me names. I snapped and yelled back and caller her a b*tch. I feel so ashamed because I NEVER get into tit for tat. I just couldn't take it... .it's been a weekly thing now and I was so careful to make sure we had a peaceful Friday together

She left the house and said she was not coming back. My gut tells me she said that in rage (and she didn't take any things with her).
but she has been gone for a few hours and I don't know what to do.
I feel like if I text or call that I will be cycling back into a pattern instead of sitting with the responsibility that I handled this very badly.
If I don't reach out then I'm afraid that it will be more evidence for her that I don't care.
I feel manipulated but I also feel partially accountable for this.
Help?

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[Alayne]

Hi LLR,

I'm new here too and wanted to write because your situation is so sad (and familiar). You're not alone.

I don't think I'm qualified to hand out advice. I do want to remind you that whatever you do - text her, don't, etc. - it's your choice. She doesn't own that. She may feel overwhelmed and frantic by everything she's feeling right now... That doesn't make you accountable for her feelings. And... .be gentle with yourself for giving in to some tit-for-tat. This is hard, all of it. It sounds like you've done a lot to try to communicate your affection and support through a stressful time.

Good luck, stay in touch.

[SurvivingBP17]

Definitely been in your shoes.  I even do the full service personal assistant song and dance.  But sooner or later its  darned if you do and darned if you don't. When she leaves, if I text, I am going to keep it short, and generally communicate concern for her well being and understanding. She really likes the validation stuff. I have learned to avoid telling her to "be safe" though.  Telling her to do anything, benign or not, is typically received as an order and attempt to control her.

And on the same wavelength as Alayne was saying, own your actions but not hers.  It doesn't sound like you told her to leave, so her departure is not your fault.

As far as when she comes back, once again, own your actions.  And always remember.   SHE IS NOT NORMAL! So don't expect act like it.  

[Sluggo]

So,

Welcome to the website.  You will see that you are not alone in your experiences.  There will be people here that can guide you and give you great feedback and also challenge you.  It is a very honest site. 

Not sure what the right thing to do.  I did it both ways.  I know which way I felt better doing (not chasing after), but that did make things worse for the relationship.  However, I felt better that I was not being pulled into the cycle one more time.  I did something different.  I felt more in control of myself when I did. 

I guess the important part is realizing that you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. 

[badknees1]

I am there now. It seems so hard to spend a beautiful day locked into this weirdness. Thank you for posting it helps others. Really

[badknees1]

Anyone else on what one can do?. Just came one from running errands. Wife is waking up. We ate in silence w TV on. I cleaned up. She in very angry at me for several days.do I break the silence, just sit nearby or wait.

[AnuDay]

Anyone else on what one can do?. Just came one from running errands. Wife is waking up. We ate in silence w TV on. I cleaned up. She in very angry at me for several days.do I break the silence, just sit nearby or wait.

There are guys like foreverdad and Skip that are really good at this.   See my thread on Girlfriend will not allow me on FB. 
Basically you have to put your foot down and set a boundary for the behavior that you will tolerate and what you wont tolerate and stick to it.  What emotional abuse will you accept what emotional abuse won't you accept.  Her temper tantrums, rages, and unjustified anger are all forms of abuse my friend.

Keep reading and welcome.

[vaztek2003]

Just read a great article on how the Silent Treatment is the form of verbal abuse a BPD implemente to gain a sense of power over us Nons. Its quite eye opening, or at least it was for me as I have been struggling lately after being discarded and ignored for a month now. Even through all that I still felt bad and try to give her excuses for doing so but I kind of regained some self respect reading the article. There is no reason for me to feel bad for her as Im the one who got shafted in the "relationship"

Ill try to post the link after work.

[badknees1]

If you can let us know about that silent treatment article.

[vaztek2003]

I cant find the original one I read but this one pretty much sums up the same points

www.borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/borderline-pe-2.html

It truly is a game of power/control for a person with BPD. What pains the most is that it is usually done to us who love them the most, as all I wanted to show my ex was just to value herself more, while I tried to provide everything and anything she needed.