Just found you when looking for help line, 1st post

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi... .I promise a better intro later but right now I am in worst borderline vs codependent fight that I have been in in a long time. I have sunk to an all new low in my response and at this point I am practically convinced that I am the one with PBD and my spouse is a completely healthy angelic supportive person.  I am in therapy, as is he.  We have been in therapy together and individually for about 5 years. (We have been married for 17 years.)  I have recently seen clearly my codependent behavior. I also have major abandonment issues and what lately seems to be a ptsd like response when triggered.  Please someone throw me life ring right now ... .I have spent the last 3 days straight taking the bait and have become an ugly ugly version of myself.  I doubt this list needs to hear the "he said, she said"... but I will provide it if necessary. I just want somebody to tell me I am not crazy, that I am not getting what I (somehow) deserve, that I don't deserve to go through this because I am too weak of a person to help myself.  Please somebody, "love me" with words... .I feel shattered.

And yes, my therapist is out of town... .how did you guess

[foogarden]

Hi... .I promise a better intro later but right now I am in worst borderline vs codependent fight that I have been in in a long time. I have sunk to an all new low in my response and at this point I am practically convinced that I am the one with PBD and my spouse is a completely healthy angelic supportive person.  I am in therapy, as is he.  We have been in therapy together and individually for about 5 years. (We have been married for 17 years.)  I have recently seen clearly my codependent behavior. I also have major abandonment issues and what lately seems to be a ptsd like response when triggered.  Please someone throw me life ring right now ... .I have spent the last 3 days straight taking the bait and have become an ugly ugly version of myself.  I doubt this list needs to hear the "he said, she said"... but I will provide it if necessary. I just want somebody to tell me I am not crazy, that I am not getting what I (somehow) deserve, that I don't deserve to go through this because I am too weak of a person to help myself.  Please somebody, "love me" with words... .I feel shattered.

And yes, my therapist is out of town... .how did you guess

[Larmoyant]

Hi foogarden and welcome to BPD Family   

It sounds like you are in the thick of it and I (we) understand completely. You’ve found a great place for support and we can help you through it. I too discovered I have abandonment issues, and ended up with ptsd like symptoms from the relationship. When you’re ready let us know what’s been happening and we can help support you through it. Hang in there we’re with you. 

[Lalathegreat]

Welcome. I know that I certainly relate to the shame that comes from feeling that I have allowed myself to become "not my best self" under the strain of my relationship. I found this board only a few days ago myself and have found it to be an incredibly supportive place. I'm glad you're here.

Lala

[foogarden]

Things have quieted, as they usual do, but there is no ownership of the events on my spouse's "side of the street".  I have apologized and admitted that I really blew it in my response to the situation that was at hand.  The situation has had no resolution... .the smokescreen that the fighting creates makes sure of that.  The topic that started the war was me stating that I had a need in the relationship. This is most often the starting point for our negative cycle... .he feels shame (this comes from somewhere inside him), so he gets defensive and angry and flies into self harming.  I usually end up withdrawing my need and help him to calm down (after being threatened and spit on, etc.).  It's just a mess.  We are not under the same roof right now and I guess that is what made my abandonment issues hit fever pitch. I did not withdraw my need, and the more he made himself unavailable, the more I pursued (our negative cycle)... the more I pursued the more hurtful he got, the more hurtful he got the meaner and uglier I got... .rinse and repeat.  Loving this website ... .comforted by all the great articles and comments.  I think I have found a place where people actually know what it looks like behind the rosy facade.  So, I am mending my emotional wounds this morning, taking stock.  Trying to go over again where I went wrong in my reactions... .and this is for me.  I do not like that version of myself.  The original issues that I brought to the table that started the spiral are still completely unaddressed and unresolved (I was triggered about the possibility that there has been more infidelity) and remain a mystery. Still no apologies because he doesn't feel safe with me (great :-().  I give up... .which I am going to allow myself.  I have cleaned up my side of the street as best I can, now to attend to my wounds.  My therapist is back from vacation and we have a phone date this evening.

[joeramabeme]

I have cleaned up my side of the street as best I can, now to attend to my wounds.  My therapist is back from vacation and we have a phone date this evening.

Foo Garden

Welcome to BPD Family!   

What an uplift it is to hear that you have found a place to share your relationship with your BP partner.  I sure felt that way when I got here and I wasn't even sure what BP meant.

I highlighted this line in your post because I think it is important to hold onto.  I went through this same cycle with my now exuswBPD (ex undiagnosed Spouse with BPD).  At times, knowing I cleaned up my side of the street, was the only thing I could hold onto with a shred of certainty about what I did and did not do. 

The blaming and gaslighting got to a place where my sense of reality was deeply challenged and although I could not always adequately address what seemed to be baseless accusations; I was always sure that I was either in the process of or had cleaned up many areas on my side of the street.

As you read and learn more here you will begin to have a deeper sense of being anchored in your own perceptions, that is a very big deal.  This site can and does help with that as will your therapy.

Glad you are here, keep us posted.

Best, JRB

[foogarden]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. 

See ya on the boards!