Is ignoring the thing to do, or will it make things worse?

[WitzEndWife]

My HwBPD is still being extremely difficult about living with my parents. Last night, I went for a two-hour meditation/restorative yoga workshop to help deal with my stress. While I was gone, my H sat at the dinner table with them, but, according to my mother, was rather prickly when she tried to talk to him. Later that evening, he posted a rant on Facebook about "suburbia" (suburbia, to him, is a dirty word, representing sloth, racism, untrustworthiness, and stupidity - none of these things describe my family whatsoever). My parents, in his mind, represent "suburbia" to him, because they do things he doesn't like, such as stick to a routine (they are retired, so routine helps them stay active), overcook his vegetables, occasionally use a microwave to reheat some foods, sometimes use olive oil to cook, eat leftovers, own a home with white carpet, own a home that is 30 miles away from downtown, occasionally watch the news on TV during the day, and watch multicultural TV at night (my father is from another country, so he likes to stay connected by watching their news at night). All of these things make them HORRIBLE people in his eyes. He called them rednecks one day, when he was feeling particularly feisty (although he denies that he ever said this). Urban living is put on a pedestal, where suburban living is "evil" - I think this is because the most traumatic moment in his life occurred at his home in suburbia.

At any rate, my parents have endured his prickliness, his constant criticism, and his rage, for months now. They understand his condition, but they also feel that they need to take care of themselves and set boundaries. They bent over backward to accommodate him, but he's been nothing but rude to them, again and again. They are crushed, and they are now at their limit.

My intention for staying with my parents was to pay down debt, and I have set the intention to pay at least one of my debts off before moving out. I set a boundary with H that, if he wants to leave more quickly than the time it will take me to pay off the debt alone, he will need to get a job to help me pay off my debt. He has been back and forth on this, but I'm firm. This is why, of course, he's trying to make me and my parents miserable.

My parents have had enough, as I've said, so their option, in lieu of forcing us out, is to just ignore him unless he decides to engage with them. Is that the right course of action, or will this make things worse? Will he feel rejected and abandoned and act out accordingly? I don't want them to be forced to interact with him either. I'm not sure what to tell them to do. On top of this, my father's brother and his wife are coming to visit for three whole weeks, and we're all convinced that H will do something to express his displeasure and embarrass my parents.

[isilme]

Can you warn your uncle about how things stand?  Or is that too distant a relative to explain things to?  Even just a cursory - he's clinically depressed and acting out - please ignore anything he says because it's due to a lack of acceptance of treatment.  People can understand depression better than BPD. 

Also, I think you mentioned this visit would involve you moving your stuff out of the room your H insists on using, instead to an area that is actually more spacious, but he's avoiding out of spite?

If you can move to that other room (I think you said it was a basement suite?) it might keep your H out of the way for most people.  I'm not sure.  If I had as much sand as I'd recommend others, I'd want to tell your H to pack his things, since he hates it there so much, and find a place he likes better until you can pay down debt and get a house.  The trick?  He has to pay for it himself.  Meh - I know that would be really hard to pull off and likely just make you more miserable. 

I don't know about triggering his abandonment fears.  That's kinda holding you hostage, trying to live reasonably but protect him from that? 

[WitzEndWife]

I really don't want to burden my uncle with everything, since he'll be here on vacation. What I'll probably do is try to spend as much time with H as possible, and get him out of the house as much as possible. He's actually fine with the family, interestingly, when we're out of the house.

With the basement suite, he's out of the way, but the problem is that there are no doors, so my father just put up heavy curtains all around. Of course, H feels exposed because he can't just go in there and lock the door. Also, my father put his tv and sofa in the unfinished part next to our room down there, so, just behind the curtain, my dad could be there with the tv blaring. Not ideal, that's for sure. The plan is to eventually finish off everything so that there are walls and doors, but that won't be for a while. I am hoping that the lack of doors and walls actually encourages him to get out of the house more, and to look for work. The more he's doing, the better he'll feel.

I set the boundary of having him find work, but if he becomes miserable in the meantime, I might just have to come up with some kind of alternate solution. Maybe he could go stay with a friend in another state or something. I don't know.

[Grey Kitty]

I really don't want to burden my uncle with everything, since he'll be here on vacation. What I'll probably do is try to spend as much time with H as possible, and get him out of the house as much as possible. He's actually fine with the family, interestingly, when we're out of the house.

I wouldn't recommend you give your uncle a huge story about this, but it seems like a warning is kind rather than a burden. Just keep it short and sweet. "H is living with me at parent's house, and he's having a difficult time. Sometimes he quietly stays in the bedroom. Other times he gets in big arguments with my parents. He's not been pleasant company of late."

And I'm kinda guessing that the stress of having another person from your family around is going to make him worse--more easily triggered.

[isilme]

I like the plan of trying to get him out as much as possible, simply because I think he needs that after hiding so long.

I also like the "find some gainful employment" but would almost say if you can find a place he can volunteer, or maybe only work part time to get back onto a schedule it might be worth it even if he can't (at this time) help with the bills and saving for a house. 

Can you gently find a way to hand him opportunities from the paper, or places that need help, like an animal shelter or soup kitchen, salvation Army?  I suggest it only because ours always needs someone to come walk the dogs and keep them socialized, they even try to pay a little, and your H would get outside social interaction from a volunteer organization, AND admitting to them he's out of work might motivate him to look harder, or get him connections and maybe even a few casual friends.  H was angry about not working years back, but also not doing much to find a job, either, until his sister told him of a part time opportunity at the school she taught at.  It got him out of the house, and while he only worked about 3 days a week for about 3-4 hours a day to start, it helped.  And it made him more inclined to apply when another friend told us about full time opening on campus (so he could work and finish his degree more easily).

Anyway, I agree that the uncle needs a simple, non-complex warning to ignore any outbursts, your H is in a difficult time right now, to help assuage any embarrassment your parents might feel from an outburst. 

[WitzEndWife]

I'll leave it to my parents to warn my uncle subtly. As for H, getting him out of the house is VITAL. Yesterday, he decided to get up and drive into the city, spending the day at the library and eating at his favorite vegan restaurant here. When he returned home, he was smiling (I don't think I've seen him genuinely smile in a month), and he actually attempted to apologize to my parents for his rude Facebook comment (of course, it wasn't a REAL apology, because he couldn't admit his own fault, but he did SOMETHING, which is a start). He was fairly pleasant over dinner, even though my parents were not as welcoming as usual. They are hurt, they are done trying to accommodate him.

The more he can "escape," the better he'll feel. I have suggested volunteering with a pet rescue, since he loves animals, but he hasn't quite jumped on that. We'll see.

[isilme]

If I were trying to get H to volunteer, I'd pretty much do all the leg work and hand over the hours they need help, a number, an address, and the name of a person to ask for when he got there, and then leave it and be quiet for a few days.  "Hey, I found this today, in case you want it." Ours posts a volunteer chart on facebook each week. 

Good to hear getting out had a positive effect.  Maybe he also has Seasonal Affective Disorder, where he's just plain worse when it's dark and cold outside.