I just don't even recognize myself anymore...

[Lalathegreat]

First, I cannot even tell you how much comfort I get from reading all of the posts here. I often don't feel that I have much to offer in the way of advice since I am flailing around myself, but I have read so many of the posts here with my jaw on the floor, amazed that we all seem to be dealing with the SAME person. Different triggers, different circumstances, but so many similarities in terms of the responses, reactions, and behaviors. Somehow feeling less alone makes things a little bit easier.

For those who are familiar with my other posts - the last time I wrote anything my pwBPD had told me that he wouldn't bother me until I contacted him. He lasted 36 hours before phoning me (WHILE I was at therapy - particularly apt timing) and left me a long message explaining to me that "as an emotionally healthy person" he was going to disconnect from me and move on with his life if I didn't contact him soon. That he still doesn't know what he did, still doesn't understand why I "answered the phone Sunday like he was a problem", still doesn't understand why I won't take his calls, etc etc.

And like a total moron I walked right into it. Texted him back, told him I could talk that evening. He called me a little later and what transpired was 2 hours of him punishing me. He was irate and that was all there was to it. I could not get a word in edgewise. When I did it was met with contempt. For example, I asked that he pick the one most important thing for me to hear so that I could really listen and he erupted with "I don't have to slow down for the other people in my life, this is the way my mind works and if you can't keep up that's your own ___ing problem... ." 2 hours of being verbally berated. And then he accuses ME of being the reason that he burned his son's dinner and that their routine for the evening was going to be ruined. I told him that he needed to take care of his son and that we could continue to talk later. He replied by telling me that he would call after bedtime and that if I didn't take his call he was done with me for good.

He called about an hour later and it just continued. "What happened, what did I do, why were you punishing me?" I told him that my measures were not punitive but rather about self care. That I had been having a rough few days and was taking care of myself. He was having none of that. At one point he interpreted something that I said as meaning that I was scared of him and he just went off "Well then have a nice life, I wish you all the best in your recovery. There is nothing I can do if you're scared of me." So when I then inquired as to how he wanted me to return his things, retrieve mine, return his key he backed off immediately. "Well are you scared of me?" he challenged. I told him that I was afraid of our inability to communicate and very concerned by some of his responses. Then it turned into "Well goodbye then because I don't want to be responsible for YOU self deprecating and not knowing how to communicate." So I decided to just let him move on to the next thing without any further mention of the logistics of "breaking up". This conversation lasted at least another hour and a half and finally seemed to burn itself out. He asked me what I needed. I reiterated that I needed him to slow down and give me one thought at a time because I  can only give my attention to one thought at a time. He said "ok". Then he actually said "I'm sorry."

The next day is the day I spend with his son in the afternoons. So I sent a text asking if his kid would like to go to the kids museum and if he would like to join us for dinner afterwards at his favorite restaurant. All seemed ok with this plan and I figured that it eliminated tons of alone time with pwBPD as well as the mealtime drama that ensues whenever he tries to cook for me. (Which still seems like such insanity to me. The meal drama is one of the most baffling things I have EVER had to deal with... .but I digress.) The plan was for me to return with the kiddo and for us to walk to the restaurant so we wouldn't have to find parking. When we got home he wanted his son to take a shower and change his clothes (which wasn't too wierd considering how wet he had gotten in the water area of the kids museum) but it set off the usual series of events. Because now there is idle time to fill. And right away he starts in. "What is wrong, I felt fine but now you're here so I don't." This pretty much sums up the next hour while we were trying to get ready. He wanted to know if I'd like to drive, it was raining so I said "Yeah, it's starting to rain... ." then he started in with "well now we have to find parking, blah blah blah" So I aquiesed "Ok, we can bundle and walk that's fine with me too" and then he started telling me that he didn't want to deal with my reaction to not doing things my way. I felt totally baited. I said I'd walk, then he asked me so I agreed to drive, then he complained so I agreed to walk, but now I'm a bad person for not being honest with my responses. We ended up walking. He made a big show out of holding my hand and trying to get to the bottom of what was wrong, then sighing dramatically and pushing my hand away. Finally we got to the restaurant and all I can think about it how badly I just want to leave.

But like a switch now he is as sweet as he could possibly be. This restaurant is linked to a game store so you can play games while you eat. He asked if I wanted some wine or cider. We settled in and had a good time playing games with his son. But honestly, I was still just really really sad. Because there is never any winning. EVER. EVER. Nothing is or will ever be "right" or "enough". In that moment I decided I would not be staying over. After dinner when we were wrapping up I let him know this. And then he was clearly shaken. "Was it something I did?" For the life of me I cannot imagine how his mind operates. How can you be so disrespectful to somebody and then be genuinely surprised when they decide to not stay over?

We got home, I said goodnight to Kiddo, went over to give pwBPD a goodbye hug and he suddenly was very sad. "Come with with me on the couch... ."

And NO. I am not a dumb person. This is why I don't recognize myself anymore. Can any good come from sitting with him on the couch? HELL NO. Did I do it anyways? Ugh. You bet. And an hour of circular conversation later all we have established is that he has been trying to be happy and positive all night but I haven't opened myself to it and that I'm socially retarded like his ex wife. At one point I told him that it makes me sad that things are so hard between us and he literally said "Quit trying to break up with me, don't you think I KNOW what you're doing and why you say that?" Finally he puts his kid to bed and comes back. Then (I kid you not) he takes me into his arms and starts a conversation about a movie he just watched, a show that he wants to start watching, his favorite female heroine actress, and the evening ended on that very pleasant note.

And then I got the heck out of there. And all that I have is WHAT THE ACTUAL ___. Yesterday he texted all day, pictures of his kid on his school break. Going to a movie, eating out with friends, having a good time. Offered to come to my house today to go to dinner and play games with me and my kids (they don't know he and I are having a relationship, they only know him as a "friend" but then this morning calls to tell me he has been invited to do something else instead. But he feels bad, can we do it tomorrow instead. What do *I* want?

And again I can't win. If I tell him it's fine don't worry about it he will be frustrated that I don't want to spend time with him. If I tell him to come out a little later it's fine then he will be frustrated that I'm adding more obligations to his plate.

And I have rational moments. Moments while I'm at work or with my other friends or with my kids when I imagine him not being in my life and I feel a tremendous sense of comfort and relief. But then he calls and I run right back every time. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am losing respect... .for myself. And that's not ok.

[PeteWitsend]

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself.  Everybody makes mistakes.  Everyone has moments of weakness they regret.  You're not exceptional in that regard.

second, you may want to think about what it was that attracted you to him in the first place.  if there was someone else, would you still call this guy? if you find yourself going forward despite the red flags you've observed, it could be something about yourself you need to address with your therapist. 

[Grey Kitty]

These two situations where you are beating yourself up for bad judgment are indeed very parallel to each other. Both what happened and how you feel about it:

And like a total moron I walked right into it. Texted him back, told him I could talk that evening. He called me a little later and what transpired was 2 hours of him punishing me.

We got home, I said goodnight to Kiddo, went over to give pwBPD a goodbye hug and he suddenly was very sad. "Come with with me on the couch... ."

And NO. I am not a dumb person. This is why I don't recognize myself anymore. Can any good come from sitting with him on the couch? HELL NO. Did I do it anyways? Ugh. You bet. And an hour of circular conversation later all we have established is that he has been trying to be happy and positive all night but I haven't opened myself to it and that I'm socially retarded like his ex wife.

In both cases, the first thing you did was not stupid, it was a kind and generous thing. You gave him a chance. Accepted the offer to sit with him on the couch. Invited him to call you later.

Yeah, he's used up a lot of second chances, but offering him another one is still a good thing.

The place you went wrong was staying through the circular argument, punishment, etc. for hours.

Next time, do invite him to talk on the phone (as fits your schedule). But when it turns ugly, "Goodbye, I gotta go" or "I won't/can't listen to this anymore. Bye." (Note: You do NOT need to identify WHAT you won't listen to, he might well be smart enough to figure it out... .and if you try to tell him what it is, you end up in a circular argument JADEing all over the place. Hang up instead!)

Or next time, when the conversation on the couch turns to what you are doing wrong and that you don't understand/appreciate all he is doing right, just GO. Not after an hour. In less than a minute.


And most important, be gentle with yourself. Yes, you wish you hadn't done a bunch of things like this, but learning this is HARD, and learning to actually do it when you are in the middle of it is harder. If you are like most members, you probably learned you were supposed to do this as a child. You will figure it out, you will do better next time, and beating yourself up isn't going to get you there any faster.