Arguments With Myself

[MovingOn23]

"If I end the marriage, then I'm throwing away a 25-year investment."
[No, I don't lose those 25 years, and that 'investment' isn't giving me the returns I deserve.]

"But I'd be breaking vows that I made to her."
[She doesn't see those like you do - she isn't emotionally invested in the relationship in the same way. Also, she hasn't kept up her end of the deal either.]

"In hindsight, I knew about her problems all along, but I married her anyway - now it's not good enough? Feels like I'm changing the rules on her."
[Maybe it was good enough at first or even for a long while, but that's not the point. And she will always feel like she was never good enough - you were never going to be capable of fixing that]

"What if she really decided to try to get better?"
[Every. Single. attempt down that road has immediately and spectacularly failed. This is a bad bet.]

"I've become lazy in the relationship, disengaged, complacent - am I up for what a real relationship would demand?"
[You may have to change. It will take work. It'd be worth it.]

"What has she really seen in me? Has she ever really loved me? Why does she stay?"
[Face it - you may never know the real answers to these questions - and that's ok. You fulfill something for her, but it may only be that you've made it possible for her to stay.]

"If I ended the marriage, how would I ever explain it to anyone? Outside our home almost no one has ever seen the BPD side of her. What about her family?"
[You shouldn' t care about what other people think, but I can see why you do. You'd eventually find the words, and once you did, you'd have them to use again and again as needed. Plus, her family probably understands more than you give them credit for.]

"But she handles ALL of the finances and bills... ."
[You'd have to do your homework before making a move - compile information, have a plan.]

"But things are fine again lately ... ."
[Which may be fine so long as they are fine, but what are you going to do the next time they aren't? How long before that happens, and how long until the time after that?]

"But it's only really bad like 10% of the time (I think)"
[But is it ever REALLY great? Are the best times not as good as they should be? Are the "good" times not really that good?]

"Would I find someone else who loves me?"
[Yes, in all likelihood you would find someone else and a more fulfilling relationship. Remember, she doesn't love you like you think she does / like you want her to, and she probably never will.]

"How would she react if I told her I wanted a Divorce."
[Hell if I know - might just completely disengage and abandon the family completely. She may totally lose it and it could be ugly, but you can't own her behavior - that's her deal. Or maybe she'll surprise you and it won't be that much drama after all. Whatever happens, it'll be temporary and eventually after days or weeks or months or more it'll be over]

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MovingOn23, I think disputation is healthy and appreciate the format of your post.  What would you like to see happen?  What is the right path for you?    I thought that I was smart enough to "crack the code" over the course of a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW, yet BPD proved too much for me.  Suggest you continue to focus on your needs and what is right for you, as you seem to be doing already.  Others, including me, have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Hi MovingOn23,

Really good inventory here. I can fully understand the back and forth that is going on mentally. Making a decision is not easy, but you are engaging the questions and looking at yourself—that is progress!

Are your feelings pushing you toward either option more than the other?

heartandwhole

[MovingOn23]

What would you like to see happen?  What is the right path for you?

Are your feelings pushing you toward either option more than the other?

I was a couple of weeks into the debate with myself and my gut was telling me that I'd eventually come to the conclusion that we should end the marriage. Coincidentally, my wife began the "we need to talk" discussion and was basically right there with me. All things considered, it has probably worked better that she brought it up first, but at that point it really was quite the elephant in the room already. We are now working through the separation and eventual divorce.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MovingOn23, Perhaps you are ready to move over to the Detaching Board?  Sorry to hear that legal proceedings are on the horizon, though for me, and for many of us here, divorce affords an end to an unhealthy dynamic as well as a new beginning.  Needless to say, leaving a pwBPD is challenging so get ready for some rough sledding ahead.  It's short term pain in exchange for long term happiness so keep that in mind.

LuckyJim

[MovingOn23]

Hey MovingOn23, Perhaps you are ready to move over to the Detaching Board? 

I've been posting in the Detaching Board as a matter of course, but I wrote this conversation with myself when I was still very much deciding - I thought it fit here best.

[flourdust]

Your Voice in Brackets is wise. Good luck to you.

[MovingOn23]

Revisiting this post now that my separation from my BPDw is 5 months old and we have recycled twice. Currently enjoying a "good" period, and I'm questioning my direction again. She has made some noticeable changes in how she chooses to react (or not react) to things, and is FAR more appreciative of me - but I do wonder how much of it is what I'd refer to as a "separation honeymoon" that will eventually wear off. That said, she is still seeing a counselor individually (as am I) ... .could there be hope?

[Sluggo]

Movingon23,

I understand all the back and forth and the recycles.  For me it was the death of my father among other things that pushed me to the point of making a final decision of leaving.  I have been separated and in divorce proceedings for the last 14 months.  However, I replay those initial questions you pose still now.  For me at least, I still think through them... .and I come to the same conclusion that to leave was the best thing. 

I am sure you will start feeling a pull in one direction or the other on a more consistent basis.   

[Fian]

"But it's only really bad like 10% of the time (I think)"
[But is it ever REALLY great? Are the best times not as good as they should be? Are the "good" times not really that good?]

I guess I will be the one to defend marriage here.  I don't know what qualifies as really bad for you, but if my bad times with my wife were only 10% of the time I would be ecstatic.  Personally, my marriage vow is something I take seriously, and only in a very limited sense is it dependent upon what my wife chooses or chooses not to do.  I also think that it is easier to think the grass will be greener on the other side.  Second time marriages have a far higher divorce rate than first marriages.  Quick Google search says 67-80%.  So with those odds, your second marriage is likely to fail.  And that doesn't even count second marriages that don't break up that are unhappy.  For me personally, I have come to the conclusion that the only way I am going to have a happy marriage, and to a certain extent, life, is if I make my current marriage work.  It is discouraging at times, but on the other hand, it prevents me from throwing in the towel.