BPD 20 yr old son

[UpsnDowns]

This is my first post here. Needless to say that I'm exhausted after dealing with all that comes along with BPD.
I've tried everything and knocked on every door. After a few baker acts (I'm in FL) and marchman acts which led to hospitalizations that most of the time lasted only 3 days, my son was finally diagnosed bipolar and BPD. I knew he was BPD before any doctor could tell me. It fits him to the T plus all the other symptoms related here. He's been to therapy, but the psychologist, whom he likes a lot, was t able to keep him in therapy. Very nice and very professional, but in my opinion, not the right fit to treat BPD.
So I've been trying to find a psychologist in south Broward County, FL, who specializes in BPD and DBT. I'm frustrated for having called so many and having got no returns.
At this moment I will not get into details, but his illness has caused our family to be totally dysfunctional,  and his threats of jumping of bridges or being killed by cops, as well as his behavior of putting himself in constant risk, I have caused me PTSD.
His life is a complete lie and I hurt for him, as it must be very painful to hide his true self at all times, pretending to be what he isn't, not being able to control impulses and run away every time he messes up.
So I need help. I desperately need help finding the right "female" psychologist, then convincing him to see her.
Thanks everyone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi UpsnDowns,

I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering -- you've been so much with your son's suicide threats and hospitalizations, and I can see why you would suffer from PTSD. How old is he? Does he live with you?

Trying to get help for our kids can be so discouraging. I have felt the same way many times, whether it's dealing with school counselors or psychiatrists or psychologists.

What is your relationship with your son like? Is he taking medication for the bipolar?

Does he accept his diagnosis?

Glad you found the site. Keep posting -- it really does help.

You're not alone.

Lnl

[UpsnDowns]

Despite of all I've done for him, I'm his number one enemy. I'm his punch bag in the house. Of course, I'm the only one who keeps looking for help, who reads it all about it, who tries talking to him. He refuses prescribed medication, he claims everyone else in the family needs a psychiatrist, but him. He has a long history of running away every time he messes up, even before we confront him.
He can't control his spending. He steals from all of us. He has no sense of limits and feels entitled to anything that pleases him.
He's even suing the psychiatrist who diagnosed him while baker acted in a hospital aledging that she didn't talk to him respectfully enough.
He will not listen. To make things worse, he self medicates smoking marijuana, which causes him, when high,  to accuse us of stealing from him and scrutinizing his room, which is actually what he does to us, and puts him in a state of mind that everyone is up to get him.
I just gave him an ultimatum to either go to a psychologist (I finally had the one I favored returning my call) or I'd press charges. I told him that he's loved and cherished, but that his behavior is unacceptable and is hurting all of us, including himself. He yelled at me, said some nasty things, then he packed and left. Detail: He didn't burst out of the house. He actually faked calm, asked what there was to eat, and walked downstairs, as if I didn't know what he was actually up to. I'm so so tired. And I'm tired of this system that gives the mental patients the right to choose to be treated or not.
I'm on meds for PTSD, and I need some normalcy so that I have a change to heal. I can't go on living a Hollywood movie life style having police helicopters hovering over my neighborhood looking for my son who threatened to jump from a bridge over a highway among some other threats when police help was also needed.
How to convince him to see a psychologist? I believe DBT would work wonders for him, and I hope that during therapy he would finally accept the need of meds as well.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Upsanddowns

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I'm so very sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It's just completely and utterly exhausting to try and keep up with the cycle of dramas and behaviours. You obviously love your son so very much and it just hurts.

I've got a BPDs26 (dx at 24). We experienced a lot of what you're going through like the stealing, self entitlement, lies, drug use, not listening, no sense of limits and control. It was a painful ride as I used every approach I could think of to make him stop, make him listen. I just made things worse and he accused us all of being crazy. Actually I can now see we just kept reacting to his behaviours all the time.  Binderdundat!

You can't reason with a highly emotional and emotionally immature person who is also self medicating. They cannot hear you and trying to reach them is wasted energy.

My BPDs26 did not want to grow up, he did not want the responsibility for himself. I'd do things for him that he should have been doing things himself and I prevented him developing.

This forum has been my life saver. At first I brought calm to the house; I took my foot off the gas. I didn't react but was light as a fairy. I used this time to read about BPD, learn communication and validation skills. I got myself armed with a toolkit. My confidence grew and I could see what fair boundaries and limits I needed to introduce. This forum helped us all and 16 months on we are in a much better place. There is hope.

My BPDs26 still lives with us, he self medicates (not in our house), he is working and I've set boundaries and limits on the way and he's learning financial management skills. He has finally decided to seek treatment and has his appt next week.

Our situations are all different and what is acceptable to me may not be for you. That's perfectly ok. You'll get advice and guidance here and you can choose to use it or not; this is about finding your own way forwards for yourself and your family. It's one step at a time.

You have to take care of yourself first. My BPDs needed me to be the parent he needs, not the one I was. Assertive (with consequences) but supportive and loving - it takes time to learn this.

What's happened since your last post, is your son still living at home?

What support do you have for yourself?

Gently forwards... .,
LP

[UpsnDowns]

Thanks for all the support.
I just found out during a conversation with my sister that he texted her telling her a story so far fetched, that I'm speechless. He stretched out reality, trying to make himself look good and concerned about my mental health and general well being, as if I'm the one with mental problems affecting the family, while he goes to college, works (he doesn't have a job), cleans the house, etc. I can't deny he helps, but only when he's here, which is almost never, although he officially lives with us.
He also told her that he was abused night after night, but he never said exactly when, but he made it clear it was by me. He didn't mean sexually abused. I'm baffled. I'm in shock. Where did he create this false memories? It's sick!
Anyway, he told his father that he would see a psychologist, but not the one we told him. Well, we don't agree with that. He needs one who deals with BPD, and because he denies having it, he does t want to go to the one we finally found. I fear that he will go to any psychologist and start repeating all these lalaland stories fabricated in his brain, and all they will do is to tell him to move out because his family is sick. You know how manipulative and smart they are.
His father and I are separated, and he lives far from us. His sister is BPD as well, but at 24 she functions way better than before. Yet, she has a hard time dealing with all the issues her brother causes.
My support is actually an online prayer group for moms of addicts (they're usually dual diagnosis) which I joined when I felt that he was about to jump from marijuana into experimenting with other drugs. Thank God it didn't go beyond the weed thing. Sharing, learning and reading is nice, but sometimes prayer is the best thing.
I was recently looking for a a local BPD support group for families. I think there's one through NAMI.
Again, thanks for all.

[Lollypop]

Hi upsanddowns

My BPDs26 has skewed thinking and he really felt his childhood an unhappy one. If he feels it then it must be true. He's made accusations and also felt very resentful. Thankfully things are a lot better since I learnt a better way to interact.

He once lived with his GF and her mother. He lost his job (he made an unfounded accusation at work) and in return for letting him stay and live there he was asked to do jobs around the house. This complicated the arrangement in his head. He got really resentful every time he was left a list of jobs. All his focus was on the list, how he felt used, mistreated. He was not grateful to her for letting him live there in return for this unpaid work. This is just another example of how his personal relationships break down, also of how people trying to "help" him makes it worse. It got messy. I didn't get caught up in the dramas but I did get involved and offered him to come back home - yet another of my reactions that prevented him from growing up. This was pre diagnosis.

I've learnt to keep things simple and this helps my BPDs with his thinking. If I ask my BPDs to do a task in the house I don't tie it in to anything else because then it will be an obligation and it gets confused.

I'm glad you've got support for yourself. It's very hard to deal with the erratic behaviours. I have to remind myself that my BPD doesn't do anything on purpose, he just can't help the way he behaves. Like you, I'm eager for him to get treatment. I've left decisions for him to make. To behave like an adult, he needed to be treated like one.

How is your son doing in college and when does he finish his course?

LP