suspect he's using my father's death to exploit my vulnerability

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I've posted in recent weeks about how my dexBPD/NPDbf has been pleading with me to come back and "help him", given that he was aware of my emotional vulnerability due to my father's condition.   Well, my father ultimately passed away last Wednesday, and the funeral was yesterday, so needless to say my emotional vulnerability is probably at an all time high given the grief and all of the family maelstrom that is swirling about in the wake of my dad's death. 

The ex has summarily stepped up his efforts even more, texting and messaging me about how I need to come see him if I care, I need to "help him", he "needs help", he. "needs support", etc. etc.  He DID express condolences on the death of my father, and then asked MANY inappropriate questions about the distribution of my father's estate (!), so I suppose he gets "points" for giving sympathy... .but the point is he is driving me NUTS.  I'm kind of a mess anyway, and I do understand how my breaking up with him in December obviously triggered his abandonment issues, but I simply can't deal with the begging and pleading anymore, particularly at this time.

I want to thank Sadly, complicated, JaxWest, Lucky Jim and roberto516 for responding to my last post... .I will be getting myself into a mental framework where I can actually contribute soon rather than just take the wonderful support I always get here... .but for now, please, tell me what the best thing to do would be?

I really want to rant and rave at him and tell him what a selfish cretin he is being (diagnosed NPD as well as BPD, so that's not surprising) but I want to do what's best for him.

What's best for me is to use this sad event to finally go NC, but I still feel so damn sorry for him.  Honestly, there's also a part of me that does NOT look forward to being split black either, because I tried so DAMN HARD with him for 8 years, but that's beside the point.  I can deal with it when it happens.

I just want NO CONTACT and NO INFORMATION going forward, and right at this moment he is making a sad situation of family grieving and remembrance even worse... .do you think he is using this emotional vulnerability to his "advantage"?  What is the least cruel thing I can do?

Thank you very much and again, I will be giving as well as taking support from you all soon... .this is just going to be a rough week, and the last few with my dad so sick was rough as well.  Thank you!

[chillamom]

Hello, I've posted in recent weeks about how my dexBPD/NPDbf has been pleading with me to come back and "help him", given that he was aware of my emotional vulnerability due to my father's condition.   Well, my father ultimately passed away last Wednesday, and the funeral was yesterday, so needless to say my emotional vulnerability is probably at an all time high given the grief and all of the family maelstrom that is swirling about in the wake of my dad's death. 

The ex has summarily stepped up his efforts even more, texting and messaging me about how I need to come see him if I care, I need to "help him", he "needs help", he. "needs support", etc. etc.  He DID express condolences on the death of my father, and then asked MANY inappropriate questions about the distribution of my father's estate (!), so I suppose he gets "points" for giving sympathy... .but the point is he is driving me NUTS.  I'm kind of a mess anyway, and I do understand how my breaking up with him in December obviously triggered his abandonment issues, but I simply can't deal with the begging and pleading anymore, particularly at this time.

I want to thank Sadly, complicated, JaxWest, Lucky Jim and roberto516 for responding to my last post... .I will be getting myself into a mental framework where I can actually contribute soon rather than just take the wonderful support I always get here... .but for now, please, tell me what the best thing to do would be?

I really want to rant and rave at him and tell him what a selfish cretin he is being (diagnosed NPD as well as BPD, so that's not surprising) but I want to do what's best for him.

What's best for me is to use this sad event to finally go NC, but I still feel so damn sorry for him.  Honestly, there's also a part of me that does NOT look forward to being split black either, because I tried so DAMN HARD with him for 8 years, but that's beside the point.  I can deal with it when it happens.

I just want NO CONTACT and NO INFORMATION going forward, and right at this moment he is making a sad situation of family grieving and remembrance even worse... .do you think he is using this emotional vulnerability to his "advantage"?  What is the least cruel thing I can do?

Thank you very much and again, I will be giving as well as taking support from you all soon... .this is just going to be a rough week, and the last few with my dad so sick was rough as well.  Thank you!

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chillamom, I’m so very, very sorry for your loss. You need much love, care and support right now and I’m glad you’ve reached out   

Please allow yourself the time and space to grieve the loss of your beloved father without the additional stress he causes you. I know how hard it is when our ex’s press those compassionate buttons of ours, but I’m going to encourage you to take the leap of faith and go no contact.

As caring, empathetic people we want to help and comfort someone who expresses hurt and pain, but, you know what, you are the one who needs that now. You need people around you who will comfort and support you through your grief. Not someone who has got used to getting his own needs met at the expense of yours.

His feelings are not your responsibility and you will never, ever be able to take his pain away. Nothing will ever be enough and you will continue to be hurt and sucked dry. Something needs to change. He needs professional help and maybe, just maybe, if you’re not there for him to offload his pain onto he’ll seek it out. Either that, or more than likely, as we’ve read so many times on here he’ll move on to someone else.Either way he'll cope. He's spent a lifetime coping.

I know pwBPD are hurting, and I know you want to help him, but what about ‘you’. It’s ok to put you first, in fact you should and need to put yourself first. It’s a lesson I learned the hard way and I wish I’d gone no contact sooner. The time and space has allowed me to better process all that has happened and really start to recover.

You’ve been trying for 8 long, painful years. It’s time to do something different. Give yourself all that wonderful care and love you have inside. Your needs matter.
 
Losing a loved one is so painful and my heart goes out to you. Sending much love to you and your family at this saddest of times   

[chillamom]

Hi, Larmoyant,

Thanks very much for your kind words and condolences, and well do I remember reading about the protracted and incredibly painful breakup process you endured.  I understand perfectly how detaching from this type of relationship is an ongoing event, but I guess the extent to which it is ongoing really depends on the "non" in the situation.

Like many others, I keep feeling that if I could somehow come up with the right magical combination of words, he would understand that yes, I DO still care about him, but despite that fact we can't get back together and have a "workable" relationship.  My T has told me numerous times that  no matter what I say he just won't "get" it, but still I  (stupidly) persist.  That has to stop, and I think I am finally ready to stop it.  I just have to steel myself for the onslaught of insults and vile names alternating with tearful begging that I know is in my future.  Extinction burst, I know... .but it's hard to take when you're getting the brunt of it.

I also have to remember, as you did with your ex, that it really, really is all about them... .in the midst of everything I and my daughters are dealing with, he literally texted me and said "I don't want to hear about you grieving your father anymore".  That really slapped me in the face with his complete inability to care about my feelings, and I think that is what I will remember when I am tempted to "help" him, which as you said, isn't possible.

Thank you, Larmoyant, for your help, as you always provide.  I'm very appreciative of your realism, and know that your own peace is indeed hard-won.

Tell me sometime how that doc proposal is moving along!  Now that your mind is increasingly free to focus on your own future, I hope you're finding that you have some mental space and energy to give to those intellectual pursuits!

[Larmoyant]

Hi Chillamom,

I've been thinking about this.

.Like many others, I keep feeling that if I could somehow come up with the right magical combination of words, he would understand that yes, I DO still care about him, but despite that fact we can't get back together and have a "workable" relationship.  My T has told me numerous times that  no matter what I say he just won't "get" it, but still I  (stupidly) persist.

. 

I suspect that he’s unlikely to get it as he’s just focusing on your declarations that you care for him. Perhaps, in his mind, if you still care then there’s a chance right? He’ll likely keep trying hoping that you will eventually cave. It’s worked before why not now. It’s part of the horrible make-up/break-up dynamic both parties get used to isn't it. To break it someone has to do something different and in your case, just as in mine, it’s going to have to be you. With that comes doubt, at least it did for me, was I doing the right thing? What if I’m making a mistake, etc, etc. 

Chillamom, I’m not suggesting this is what’s happening with you, but with me deep down I was hoping that he would stop the BPD craziness and he'd magically come up with the right combination of words so we could work. For 11 month’s post break-up I held on hoping that he’d step up, show me he loved me, in a stable, consistent well-thought out manner. But the same relationship dynamic continued of course, he pushed, pulled and devalued me, and I went along on the ride. I knew I couldn’t go back to more of the same chaos but I was holding out for a miracle. I didn't want to let go. Too painful. It’s only now, with three months of space between us, that I realise that.

.I just have to steel myself for the onslaught of insults and vile names alternating with tearful begging that I know is in my future.  Extinction burst, I know... .but it's hard to take when you're getting the brunt of it.

.

He can only do this if you allow it. Don’t let him devalue you anymore, hurt you or guilt you. You don’t have to take it, not anymore.

I know you worry about him and I know you care. In my last conversation with my ex he told me he’d moved on (again), cared for someone else now (new), that he realises that we could never have worked, but he added that he loved me “very, very much” and always will. It has BPD all over it and it made me cry. My final words to him? I wished him well in his new relationship and said that I loved him too. I wanted him to know that I really did and maybe sometimes he’ll realise I did and maybe sometimes he won’t. I can’t control what he thinks or feels, but I’m content that I got to tell him I loved him and that is all I could do. In my mind the disorder won and I had to get off the merry go round or else spend the rest of my life in this painful place.

It’s been three months of space now. He’s phoned me from a ‘private’ number a few times but didn’t say anything and I’ve received one text message. They are ‘feelers’ and I chose not to respond. It was incredibly painful. I still have work to do, but I’m glad I made the decision to jump. For the first time in three years I have the beginnings of hope that I still have a life left.

.I also have to remember, as you did with your ex, that it really, really is all about them... .in the midst of everything I and my daughters are dealing with, he literally texted me and said "I don't want to hear about you grieving your father anymore".  That really slapped me in the face with his complete inability to care about my feelings, and I think that is what I will remember when I am tempted to "help" him, which as you said, isn't possible.

.

The lack of empathy shown here is painful to read and my heart goes out to you  . When I recall times like this I realise that I made the right decision. Keep remembering these moments Chill.True love isn’t a one-way street.

. I'm very appreciative of your realism, and know that your own peace is indeed hard-won.

.[/b]

Yes, it was! Not quite at peace yet though, but at least out of the firing line. I’m still battling the pain of it all and the resulting depression, but it’s going in the right direction. It will be the same for you. It’s amazing what a little time and space gives you. What helped me was thinking that it didn't have to be permanent. That I could talk to him if I wanted. Only, I don't want to so much anymore.

.Tell me sometime how that doc proposal is moving along!

.
 
Thanks so much for asking. Not quite ready to go, but the outline is there. Watch this space!

P.S. and Chill, thanks for all your help too.

[UnforgivenII]

I need to "help him", he "needs help", he. "needs support", etc. etc.  He DID express condolences on the death of my father, and then asked MANY inappropriate questions about the distribution of my father's estate (!),



I just want NO CONTACT and NO INFORMATION

I think these statements pretty much say it all.

His questions are so inappropriate and disrepecteful of you.
Stop caretaking him. Start caretaking YOU!

[chillamom]

Thanks, Larmoyant, I think in a lot of ways our situations are parallel - really HAVING to leave a person that we still loved and still held out hope for, at least initially.  And you are certainly correct in that I don't have to take this anymore (never really did, I guess - I CHOSE to for reasons of "love", but he is indeed very skilled at causing the maximum guilt possible.  I have not yet blocked him entirely (although I do for periods) and yesterday his texts were a combination of pleas for help followed by horrible accusations and insults.  Not a surprise.  I'm starting to understand that I am a tremendous trigger for him, and overall the words he employed yesterday genuinely made me feel unsafe.  When he reaches out again today to either attack or to beg, depending upon whatever muse strikes, I will tell him that it is best for both of us if we have no ongoing communication, and that getting together to "talk" will not take place due to the fact that I feel quite threatened by his expressions of anger.  My older daughter has actually cried to me that she believes this will ultimately end in a murder-suicide... .I feel chilled to the bone just typing that.  Right now, I feel that I need to protect myself.

On another note, I just want to say how glad I am that you are doing better, and that the 3 months of space you finally allowed have been letting you take back your life.  I think it's great that you have an outline for your proposal!  I remember that being one of the toughest things to get done, and once that was completed, it was much easier to start getting the actual data collection and writing underway.  It's wonderful that your life is no longer hostage to this sad and disturbed man; I'm hoping I can say that in the relatively near future as well!

[chillamom]

Thank you, UnforgivenII, and I hope you are able to have a peaceful day yourself today.  In the midst of the emotional tsunami you have been in, I appreciate your reminder to start care taking myself... .that really is the crux of the matter for many of us, and so hard to do.  I wonder why it comes so effortlessly for us to bend over backwards for others, yet we seem to fail with respect to doing the same for ourselves?   I hope you can do something kind for yourself today and find some peace in the midst of it all.

[JaxWest]

Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. Just remember that during this time, you need to do the things that make YOU happy. You have a lot on your plate right now, so you get to choose how and when to respond, if you decide to respond. If he is upsetting you and asking inappropriate questions, I would stay clear of him.

If I had to guess, yes, he is probably using this as a way to get your attention. So, I think you can be as direct with him as possible. “You appreciate his support, but you need to be with your family during this time.” If he doesn't respect that, then you can be more frank with him.

Just remember, this time is about you and your needs.

[Larmoyant]

chillamom, he sounds seriously dysregulated resorting to all the tools to engage you, including threats. I remember the anxiety and fear this caused. Keep listening to your instincts and your daughter and continue to protect yourself. Would it be possible for you to limit contact with him and suggest email as opposed to phone? That way you’ll have a record of any threats and maybe it might help deter him?

[chillamom]

Hi, JaxWest, and thanks for your thoughts.  I am trying to be very direct in saying that I really do need to focus on myself and my family right now, and that I am not going to be re-engaging with him in any form of a relationship (I ended it 3 months ago and he has been non-stop trying to re-engage, even more so in the last few weeks as I believe he senses an "opportunity" as I'm at an emotional low).  He has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever and no respect for the fact that the relationship is over.  He will keep begging and pleading and when that has no impact he will immediately switch to attack mode and tell me how I never cared and what a "selfish and abusive" person I am (along with many other more vivid things that I would not repeat).  Oh well, at least I get a textbook example of projection.  I have blocked him on occasion but of course always end up feeling sorry for him and un-blocking, only to get more of the same.  Until I can find the strength to go no contact, he will persist... .and if I do go no contact I'm very afraid he will show up at the house.  And maybe just my twin daughters will be there alone... .and I'm pretty scared of that so I keep talking to him.  Ugh, we all have so much difficulty in our lives because we opened our hearts to the wrong people!

[chillamom]

Thanks, Larmoyant, and I hope you have some more clarity on your own dilemma.  I agree that my ex is completely dysregulated now... .blaming me for his illness, blaming me for not being able to find a job, blaming me for not "helping him" and coming to his aid, because if I "ever loved him", surely I would run out the door right now and go straight to his arms.    I think the idea of email only might be good, although I have unsuccessfully tried that before.  I'm afraid to totally cut him off because I have very vivid images of him showing up at my home when my daughters are here alone, and it scares the bejesus out of me.  I just hope eventually he burns himself out when I keep sounding like a broken record!

[lovenature]

Hi chillamom, I am very sorry for your loss. The best thing you can do is focus on your family/friends and support each other while staying NC with your ex., it is the most compassionate for all of you.
Take all the time you need and don't feel obligated to help others when you are the one who needs the care during this very tough time. I made the mistake of putting others (especially my ex.) ahead of myself while going through the worst time of my life when my Mom passed away, and my health suffered immensely.
Take it one day at a time.

I hear your concerns about your children, I had similar about my dogs, but the truth is he will only keep trying to maintain an attachment with you if he gets any attention from you what so ever. My ex. lives across the street and continually called, came over, just wouldn't stop until I stayed total NC on my end.

[chillamom]

Thank you, love nature.  Wow, I was reading your response and thinking that wow, if this person can enforce and maintain NC while his ex literally lives across the street, I have no excuse for my inability to do so.  Tell us sometime how you developed that strength; I really find that impressive!  And BTW I can relate to the decline in health precipitated by all of this chaos... .I am not blaming my ex, but my own reactions to the stress he has placed upon me have given worn my immune system to a nub!

[lovenature]

It took a number of failed attempts and learning as much as I could about BPD and my role in it to finally not allow it to be broken. It was toughest on me when I had learned enough to know better but still let my heart and feelings take over, mainly out of compassion for my ex. Reading others posts was very helpful in going and staying NC.