What consequences should we require of our 26-year-old BPD daughter?

[Parents! Get help here!]

We had told the adoption agency that we were willing to adopt a special needs child.  When we received the telephone call that a 5 and ½ pound girl had been born with a heart defect that would probably require open heart surgery, we didn’t hesitate to say that we wanted her in our family.  She had her surgery at age 3, correcting a ventricular septum defect, and we thought we’d have smooth sailing through the future.  But at age 5, she began exhibiting behavioral disorders.  She would bang her head on the mattress at night to go to sleep, and she seemed easily bored and incapable of entertaining herself.  She had to have a friend at all times, and she had to go immediately from one activity to another with no downtime between.  I remember a trip to Disney World when she was 6.  After a wonderful day at the theme park, she asked to stop at MacDonald’s on the way home, but I had already planned our dinner at home for that evening, and I said, “No.”  She immediately withdrew into her silent shell and wouldn’t speak to the rest of the family for the remainder of the day.  My husband and I hoped and prayed she would grow out of what we assumed was a selfish childhood attitude, but she never did.  From having been a happy, laughing baby, she became a sullen small child, and then, a withdrawn, uncommunicative preteen.  We already had a biological child, our son, who is three years older than our daughter.  He has been so well-adjusted, happy, and comfortable in his own skin throughout his life that we couldn’t imagine why our daughter, who’d had the same upbringing, could behave so differently.  At age 12 and ½, our daughter stopped talking to us.  I found some notes she had written.  “If I don’t get a boyfriend, I’ll kill myself,” was the gist of her journal and the beginning of a long stream of boyfriends who have gotten progressively worse over the years.  Our daughter is now 26 years old, and her current boyfriend is a 20-year-old drug addict.  As she has gotten older, the boys keep getting younger.  Her boyfriends don’t have jobs because she can’t stand for them to be away from her.  She is exceedingly jealous and has even gotten in fist fights with other girls.  She has had a few jobs.  Beginning at age 16, she worked in child care at the YMCA for 8 years before being fired in November 2015.  She is now 26 years old, unemployed, and with little hope for the future.  She attended community college for 5 years.  She is one course shy of receiving an associate’s degree, but she can’t seem to finish that last class.   For the last two years she attended community college, she failed the final class 4 times.  Her weight has fluctuated dramatically.  She was heavy as a teenager, and now she is skin and bones.  Through my research and study, I diagnosed her as BPD before a psychiatrist gave her that diagnosis, actually BPD and PTSD, two years ago.  She has had more therapists than I can count.  Over the years, she has stolen objects from neighbors and school mates, and she was kicked out of summer camp for taking another camper’s clothes.  Last year, she went through an intensive outpatient program at a local hospital.  She had three group sessions per week and also met with a psychiatrist every week.  After three months, she was discharged from the program, and her dad and I thought she had finally found a way to cope and control her roller-coaster emotions.  But this was not to be.  She headed into a cycle that was incited from being fired from her restaurant hostess position, breaking her cell phone, and getting a monumental speeding ticket.  I should mention that she had had a DUI conviction in 2014.  She lives in a condominium that her dad and I own, and she has completely trashed the place.  She got a large dog that has gone to the bathroom in the place for the past two years.  Even the concrete under the carpet is soaked with feces and urine.  My husband was recently there (she hadn’t let us see the place for several years), following her week-long stay in the hospital after a psychotic episode.  He filled and disposed of 12 garbage bags full of garbage, junk, and drug paraphernalia.  She is currently with us for a brief respite (one week) in Florida, but she has a plane ticket to return to her old environment on Friday.  While she is being somewhat contrite and saying she wants a relationship with someone who has a job, a car, and some values (her words), I am afraid she will go right back to the despicable life she was leading.  I’d like to keep her here with us for a while, but she needs to return to her dog (currently in a kennel), and hopefully, return to her DBT program.  My husband and I want to put some consequences on her return.  We need help.  What should those consequences be?  That she return to three-times-a-week therapy?  That she leave the condo if she continues her horrendous lifestyle?  That we will no longer pay for her car, her car insurance, health insurance, telephone bill, and utilities if she won’t comply?  What should we do?

[quiltingdiva]

We had told the adoption agency that we were willing to adopt a special needs child.  When we received the telephone call that a 5 and ½ pound girl had been born with a heart defect that would probably require open heart surgery, we didn’t hesitate to say that we wanted her in our family.  She had her surgery at age 3, correcting a ventricular septum defect, and we thought we’d have smooth sailing through the future.  But at age 5, she began exhibiting behavioral disorders.  She would bang her head on the mattress at night to go to sleep, and she seemed easily bored and incapable of entertaining herself.  She had to have a friend at all times, and she had to go immediately from one activity to another with no downtime between.  I remember a trip to Disney World when she was 6.  After a wonderful day at the theme park, she asked to stop at MacDonald’s on the way home, but I had already planned our dinner at home for that evening, and I said, “No.”  She immediately withdrew into her silent shell and wouldn’t speak to the rest of the family for the remainder of the day.  My husband and I hoped and prayed she would grow out of what we assumed was a selfish childhood attitude, but she never did.  From having been a happy, laughing baby, she became a sullen small child, and then, a withdrawn, uncommunicative preteen.  We already had a biological child, our son, who is three years older than our daughter.  He has been so well-adjusted, happy, and comfortable in his own skin throughout his life that we couldn’t imagine why our daughter, who’d had the same upbringing, could behave so differently.  At age 12 and ½, our daughter stopped talking to us.  I found some notes she had written.  “If I don’t get a boyfriend, I’ll kill myself,” was the gist of her journal and the beginning of a long stream of boyfriends who have gotten progressively worse over the years.  Our daughter is now 26 years old, and her current boyfriend is a 20-year-old drug addict.  As she has gotten older, the boys keep getting younger.  Her boyfriends don’t have jobs because she can’t stand for them to be away from her.  She is exceedingly jealous and has even gotten in fist fights with other girls.  She has had a few jobs.  Beginning at age 16, she worked in child care at the YMCA for 8 years before being fired in November 2015.  She is now 26 years old, unemployed, and with little hope for the future.  She attended community college for 5 years.  She is one course shy of receiving an associate’s degree, but she can’t seem to finish that last class.   For the last two years she attended community college, she failed the final class 4 times.  Her weight has fluctuated dramatically.  She was heavy as a teenager, and now she is skin and bones.  Through my research and study, I diagnosed her as BPD before a psychiatrist gave her that diagnosis, actually BPD and PTSD, two years ago.  She has had more therapists than I can count.  Over the years, she has stolen objects from neighbors and school mates, and she was kicked out of summer camp for taking another camper’s clothes.  Last year, she went through an intensive outpatient program at a local hospital.  She had three group sessions per week and also met with a psychiatrist every week.  After three months, she was discharged from the program, and her dad and I thought she had finally found a way to cope and control her roller-coaster emotions.  But this was not to be.  She headed into a cycle that was incited from being fired from her restaurant hostess position, breaking her cell phone, and getting a monumental speeding ticket.  I should mention that she had had a DUI conviction in 2014.  She lives in a condominium that her dad and I own, and she has completely trashed the place.  She got a large dog that has gone to the bathroom in the place for the past two years.  Even the concrete under the carpet is soaked with feces and urine.  My husband was recently there (she hadn’t let us see the place for several years), following her week-long stay in the hospital after a psychotic episode.  He filled and disposed of 12 garbage bags full of garbage, junk, and drug paraphernalia.  She is currently with us for a brief respite (one week) in Florida, but she has a plane ticket to return to her old environment on Friday.  While she is being somewhat contrite and saying she wants a relationship with someone who has a job, a car, and some values (her words), I am afraid she will go right back to the despicable life she was leading.  I’d like to keep her here with us for a while, but she needs to return to her dog (currently in a kennel), and hopefully, return to her DBT program.  My husband and I want to put some consequences on her return.  We need help.  What should those consequences be?  That she return to three-times-a-week therapy?  That she leave the condo if she continues her horrendous lifestyle?  That we will no longer pay for her car, her car insurance, health insurance, telephone bill, and utilities if she won’t comply?  What should we do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear quiltingdiva

I am sorry you are struggling with your DD. Are you prepared to evict her?

I way I look at it she has already received consequences for her lifestyle and you really can't control that. It might be hard to watch but it is her life. I think the main concern here is how she is totally ruining your condo and also how you are supporting her financially.

I think in this situation you need to figure out what you are willing to do and how you will carry out the consequences for not abiding by the rules.

As long as you support her she has no incentive to work. I think you could sit down with her and come up with a 6 month plan that slowly decreases your support if you are wanting her to be more independent but if that is not your goal and you feel she needs your support than disregard.

As far as the apartment goes... .how do you plan to oversee that and how dirty it is when you are so far away?

I kind of feel like it is hard for you to change things without making some pretty drastic changes to how things are done and that might lead to some conclusions that might be unpleasant. can you tolerate those changes?

[Lollypop]

Hi there quiltingmama

Im so very sorry to hear your story, BPD is heartbreaking leaving us in such turmoil and exhausted, not knowing what to do, I'm glad you found us and the forum.

Our BPDs26 returned home at 24 following diagnosis. He's left home three times and if I could have afforded to buy him a place to stay I, quite honestly,  would have done. Anything to get him out of my house and thinking that he'd learn how to live. I think all of us on the forum have this is common; we just want to help them. The more we do, then the more it gets complicated and, in my situation, things just got worse.

I changed my approach. This was when my BPDs got diagnosis at 24. Always reluctant to take responsibility for himself, he didn't want to grow up. I've passed this responsibility to him where it belongs. It's taken time, he hasn't always got things right but I've stood by remaining flexible and non judgmental. He does his best, we all do our best but we can all try harder. I just did too much for him and I know now I stunted his development.

My husband and I want to put some consequences on her return.  We need help.  What should those consequences be?  That she return to three-times-a-week therapy?  That she leave the condo if she continues her horrendous lifestyle?  That we will no longer pay for her car, her car insurance, health insurance, telephone bill, and utilities if she won’t comply?  What should we do?

You've asked a number of questions. They aren't easy to answer because I don't know what your priorities are.

My priorities were:
1. Improve our core relationship as regardless of what happens he needs us, we also want him in our life,
2. Get him the financial skills he needs to live independently.
3. Get him to live independently as successfully as we can.

I started by providing him with food and board. I stopped giving him money. If he wanted to smoke, have a phone etc then he needed to find a way to do that. It took him 3-4 weeks to find some work.

It's been 16 months and he handles all his finances. He works, bought a car (old!), pc, phone and contract and saved for a training course. This is unheard of! My expectations have been realistic and I've kept flexible. As soon as he was working regularly I asked for a contribution towards his living expenses. Treatment? It's up to him to seek. He's an adult and is responsible for himself.

We've found s way forwards for us as a family. It's certainly not perfect and we've still got a lot of problems but my eye is on my goal! There's hope.

You're not on your own.

I think jellibeans gives excellent advice. Agree a plan to slowly reduce your financial support. Stick to the plan. Your daughter will eventually learn how to solve these problems herself.

Our job is to get them to live independently.

Make a list of what you need to happen. Make a list of what you'd like to happen, this may help you decide your approach and boundaries and limits,  we are all different and our situations unique,

Take care of yourselves. Don't sweat the smell stuff

Hugs to you both

LP

[Gorges]

It seems very hard to require her to go to therapy 3 times a week and it seems that it would be hard to monitor, follow through on and perhaps not your role when your child is an adult.  I also question the effectiveness of therapy.  It works if the patient is highly motivated and is working on a specific goal/problem. 
 My daughter is 18, works at a minimum wage job, but supports herself.  She has to walk everywhere, doesn't buy new clothes and rents a room in home.   I did visit her and found that a pipe in her bedroom (she didn't expect me to walk in there, but then said, oh well, I am 18 and support myself).  I also realize that there are aspects of her life that I don't know about.  She is an independent adult after all.   But, when she is supporting herself and not dragging me into drama there is not a lot I can do to judge.   Some of the tools on the side recommend radical acceptance.  I can tell you it is a lot easier to radically accept when they truly are living their own life.  It is also easier to set boundaries and limits when this is the case.  My daughter and I do get together occasionally for small amounts of time, yoga, coffee, window shopping.  This is what I will take for now and she can live her own life.