How to approach therapy session ?

[bythewaterfront]

Hello,

I am seeking advice on the best way to approach couples therapy with my wife.  I'm not a doctor and unable to diagnose my wife with personality disorder, but I've spent countless hours researching BPD and NPD and her behaviours/traits check off both disorders list of symptoms.  I will label her as high conflict and emotionally unstable since this is my first post.  I will add I'm in no way perfect nor do I blame my wife for our dysfunction, but I am 100% in control of my emotions and able to act neutral towards her and do not give her the pleasure of hostile or volatile reactions.

Tomorrow we will be seeing our second therapist. Our first therapist did not work out and will save the details to avoid this post being too long.  I will say the therapist was unprofessional since she saw my wife individually in between our couples sessions.  By the time I ended my relationship with therapist my wife had manipulated her into believing I was mentally ill, abusive, and a stalker. I am none of these.

I am seeking advice on best way to present my perspective on my marriage.  Things I should DEF not say and topics I should DEF stay away from.  Like I mentioned above, I do not get angry and have no issues controlling my emotions. I know not to lash out and act defensive once the lies start flying out of my wife's mouth. I don't anticipate this this therapy to improve our marriage, but I am curious if a second therapist might acknowledge her as a high conflict individual who needs individual therapy.

On the other hand, my wife made the appointment, so it's possible she has already spoken to the therapist we are meeting tomorrow and distorted everything to make him believe I'm mentally ill.

I will quickly note, if you are wandering why I'm with her, we have two toddlers I love very very very much. I have separated from her for the time being bc I could not take her rages in front of the boys.  My attorney also recommended I move out to avoid being arrested for false allegations made by my wife.

Last note, my wife always mentions to therapist that if there is nothing wrong with her then why am I the only person she treats so badly.  This is a difficult statement to respond to without having to go into terms like "narcissistic supply" and all conflict is covert/hidden from friends, fam, colleagues.

I am tempted to come right out and say she's a malignant cover Narcissist with traits of BPD. I know that will only makes worse.

Please any suggestions would be awesome and I am appreciative for your time!

Thank you,
JG

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome bythewaterfront:  
I'm sorry about your situation with your wife.  

My understanding is that some therapist make a point of taking a little time to talk to partners separately, during the initial stages of couples therapy.  If this doesn't happen during the first session, and it isn't mentioned as something to take place during the next visit, then you might want to request it.

The link below can give you the perspective from a couple of therapists on:  Talking to Our Couples Therapist Without my Partner Present

You might want to ask your therapist about whether they have experience with treating clients with personality disorders.

I have separated from her for the time being bc I could not take her rages in front of the boys.  My attorney also recommended I move out to avoid being arrested for false allegations made by my wife.

 :)oes your wife get physically abusive with you?  Has she threatened to call the police to make false allegations about you?

Last note, my wife always mentions to therapist that if there is nothing wrong with her then why am I the only person she treats so badly.  This is a difficult statement to respond to without having to go into terms like "narcissistic supply" and all conflict is covert/hidden from friends, fam, colleagues.

It seems to be typical that people with BPD tend to hold onto their bad emotions and then unleash them where they feel safe, usually at home with a partner.

This lesson on DON'T INVALIDATE FEELINGS should be helpful.  For people with BPD (pwBPD), it can be important to NOT invalidate their feelings (by word, expression or body language).  Their feelings may seem senseless, but they are their feelings.  You don't want to validate invalid facts, but sometime you might want to progress from NOT invalidating to offering some level of validation of feelings.

The link below will take you to a section with a series of lessons you should find helpful:
Lessons for Improving a Relationship With a Borderline Partner