When they ask for space

[Tj6]

I was in a 2 year relationship with a pwBPD, she asked for space away from me and told me that we'l talk when her anxiety isn't so high. She also seems to have a really angry tone, like I'm the worst person in the world.

When she first wanted space, the request didn't seem so bad. She still wanted a life with me etc and told me she wasn't breaking up with me... .as the day went on she started to say that it felt like we were broken up and she still loves me and wants to slowly rebuild with me again. After that when I saw her in person she went between kissing me, to telling me she didn't know what she wanted or how she felt and it seemed more like a break and pushed me away.

She told me we're on a break... .but she tells someone else that we've split (confused... .).
I've done my best to respect it but its already been a week. The first time we broke up, I broke it off for cheating and lying issues... .it lasted 3 weeks. she was cold at first, but as time went on she would try to reach out to me. This time its her doing... .

I've been her longest relationship she's ever had. Do you think that would give some importance to me? She usually keeps in touch with almost everyone from the past. Its like she can't leave anyone to just be in the past (Including ex's) and she always has to draw attention to herself somehow.

How long do these phases usually last?

What do you do to cope to pass the time?

Do they usually come back around?

How do you get over the hurt, that just came out of nowhere?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Tj6,

The first time we broke up, I broke it off for cheating and lying issues... .it lasted 3 weeks. she was cold at first, but as time went on she would try to reach out to me. This time its her doing... .

i suspect this is/was a contributing factor. quite likely, she feels great shame. unfortunately, your presence reminds her of that shame. a person with BPD lives with internal shame, and trying to avoid feeling it. that may have to do with some of the push/pull behavior shes exhibiting. it is much easier said than done to avoid getting caught up in her struggles.

How long do these phases usually last?

youre in a better position to know this, about her, than we are.

What do you do to cope to pass the time?

put your energy in a productive place. learn the tools directly to the right ------>. learn about the disorder. maintain your routine, focus on your hobbies, things that build confidence and a sense of accomplishment. work toward being the strong, confident partner that attracted her in the first place. again, much easier said than done.

Do they usually come back around?

this too, youre in a better position to know than we are. it sounds like your experience tends to indicate that she may. there are of course, no guarantees. you want to be in a place where you can both accept that, and be better prepared when/if she does. thats where the tools come in.

How do you get over the hurt, that just came out of nowhere?

not easily, thats for sure. we cant make hurt disappear, and i understand how this would feel both hurtful and confusing for you. are you seeing a therapist?

[abraxus]

My opinion is that yes, they often come back around.

That's the good news. The bad news is that I doubt any good will come of it.

Not all BPD's cheat and, even those that do, don't always do so with every partner. However, once they've done it with one person, and that person takes them back then, as far as they're concerned, they will always be able to get away with it with you, because you've shown you'll tolerate it. In some ways it's less about being disloyal for them, and more a coping mechanism, so any time there's a blow up they'll reach for it.

So, essentially you're in a position that even if you do get her, she's much more likely to cheat in the future, and there's little you can do to prevent that. Is that something you really want?

[Tj6]

i suspect this is/was a contributing factor. quite likely, she feels great shame. unfortunately, your presence reminds her of that shame. a person with BPD lives with internal shame, and trying to avoid feeling it. that may have to do with some of the push/pull behavior shes exhibiting. it is much easier said than done to avoid getting caught up in her struggles.

Thats what I suspect too given that she doesn't want to talk or see me right now. Its like she's protecting her fragile self from the reality. I just noticed her become more irritable and snappy within the last few months. She was the one pushing for counselling but at the same time kind of had a negative view on counselling. Our relationship was suddenly determined by how counselling would go. We started couples counselling in February, and the past was brought up because the counsellor needed to know our story. Sometimes the past would be brought up to help strengthen current trust in the relationship. In the last session, it didn't go how she wanted it to, and then I feel she had a negative attitude towards it.

I texted her the day after she wanted space (Because we'd never go more than a day without talking) and she said she was thinking about me all day, but she stopped herself from saying hi.

She told my best friend "That she felt pressured and that she couldn't give me everything I needed, and she wants to be around me when she is more happy", She said that I was her best friend and that she loves me, but she's taking time for herself and not giving up... .

Is there any way to reduce this shame thats associated with me? Or will I always be a permanent trigger? She spent over 11 months with me after everything had happened... .

I still see her online, on this computer game I got her to like/play (that associates her to me). Her password is my name... .in fact most passwords are my name or our favourite numbers combined. Every time she logs in she has to type it.
In her mind, she just needed time... .but she's so cold... .

Is it true the colder they are the more you mean/meant to them so its harder for them?

put your energy in a productive place. learn the tools directly to the right ------>. learn about the disorder. maintain your routine, focus on your hobbies, things that build confidence and a sense of accomplishment. work toward being the strong, confident partner that attracted her in the first place. again, much easier said than done.

I am trying to learn as much as I can, it seems to be putting into perspective that it isn't my fault, I feel like since the relationship I have carried a weight where I believed a lot was my fault (even if it wasn't). I even bought the book "I hate you don't leave me". As for confidence I'm doing a little shopping therapy, trying out new styles and sort of revamping myself seems to be working so far.

not easily, thats for sure. we cant make hurt disappear, and i understand how this would feel both hurtful and confusing for you. are you seeing a therapist?

I am seeing a therapist right now, it was our couple's counsellor who has agreed to see me individually. so she has met my pwBPD. Going to the sessions are hard because I used to go there with her and now I go alone. But she really seems to understand BPD so its comforting.

[Tj6]

Not all BPD's cheat and, even those that do, don't always do so with every partner. However, once they've done it with one person, and that person takes them back then, as far as they're concerned, they will always be able to get away with it with you, because you've shown you'll tolerate it. In some ways it's less about being disloyal for them, and more a coping mechanism, so any time there's a blow up they'll reach for it.

So, essentially you're in a position that even if you do get her, she's much more likely to cheat in the future, and there's little you can do to prevent that. Is that something you really want?

She's definitely had a history of cheating in almost every relationship she has been in and involved in substance abuse.

I believe she hasn't cheated on me, the 2nd time around. And put in an honest effort (To the best of her ability) to try to make things work. I admit my trust issues (Not overbearing but id definitely be cautious) were still around. I heard it can take 1-2 years to fully recover from infidelity. I feel like she felt, that I shouldn't have the trust issues because she wasn't doing anything wrong... .which I completely agree but it takes time for that sort of thing to be where it used to, and always seemed to feel pressured like I needed to have my trust issues all figured out asap.

As for the future, who knows if she would do it again in the future? From my understanding pwBPD can change quite quickly and so if she was thinking about the past (even if I didn't bring it up) it could be a trigger for her to "punish" me.

But then again her lying has seemed to come back... .and that was something that accompanied her behaviour with cheating. She was in AA, and the night before all this happened, she told her sponsor that she did her step5... .but she didn't actually do it. I even have a suspicion she may have even relapsed... .as I'm not sure if she even continues to go to AA now that we haven't seen each other. As well as another lie, to her friend so he would borrow her money... .she told him we split up. But to me, she told me we were just on a break.

If she never cheated again... .Id consider being with her... .but knowing more about BPD, if she didn't get some form of help it would be very hard to establish a relationship with her.

[once removed]

couples counselling can be tricky - its a triangle, and everyone often finds their place in it.

I texted her the day after she wanted space (Because we'd never go more than a day without talking)

space in this case may mean going more than a day without talking    

not giving it increases the pressure shes already feeling. i know its a difficult adjustment. try to think of it this way: the relationship itself needs some space. try to take space for yourself as well. use that space. take time for yourself, too.

Is there any way to reduce this shame thats associated with me? Or will I always be a permanent trigger? She spent over 11 months with me after everything had happened... .

you become a trigger the moment an attachment forms. intimacy is a trigger. difficult as this is, it is not personal. try to think about it this way: people in general are far more easily affected by the behavior of their loved ones. if im understanding your question correctly, the shame she associates with you is an issue that she must overcome. she might.

Is it true the colder they are the more you mean/meant to them so its harder for them?

thats one way to see it, but i dont believe its personal either. its really more about an internal struggle and how she sees herself (or tries to avoid seeing herself).

I am trying to learn as much as I can, it seems to be putting into perspective that it isn't my fault, I feel like since the relationship I have carried a weight where I believed a lot was my fault (even if it wasn't).

BPD is a unique obstacle in a relationship. its important not to stay stuck in self blame and kicking yourself, yes. you didnt know what you didnt know. however, it is critical that we see our role in these relationships going forward. knowledge is power, and its now available.

this is a great article to reflect on: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

As for confidence I'm doing a little shopping therapy, trying out new styles and sort of revamping myself seems to be working so far.

perfect. good self care, and a positive change in your life. what are your hobbies? are you interested in trying new ones?

I am seeing a therapist right now, it was our couple's counsellor who has agreed to see me individually

thats great, and its probably an added benefit that she has met her. what kind of support are you getting/hoping to get from her?

[Tj6]

Its been about a week without talking so far... .besides when her sponsor told her I was worried about her and then she kind of spazed on me and quickly assumed I was telling her I thought she was drinking (But I just said I was worried, no indication of drinking or anything).

The only things I'm holding onto right now are what she told my friend... .that she wants to be around me when she's happier.
I'm really trying to give her this space, but after a few weeks I'm going to probably want to talk to her but I could always approach it in a friendly way, without any pressure and just in a casual manner? Or do you think that will scare her away? After all if anything I believe she still thinks of me as her best friend (if anything)... .or would that do more harm? 

if im understanding your question correctly, the shame she associates with you is an issue that she must overcome. she might.

Maybe with time she might? I know she has done some pretty unmentionable things in the past to certain people and she still talks to them, and I'd like to think I was more important than the other people ... .its definitely possible... .

BPD is a unique obstacle in a relationship. its important not to stay stuck in self blame and kicking yourself, yes. you didnt know what you didnt know. however, it is critical that we see our role in these relationships going forward. knowledge is power, and its now available.

some days its just hard and becomes harder if she lashes out to me or guilts me in an angry manner I can take it quite personally but these message boards have kind of taken that pressure out. And thanks for the article by the way.

what are your hobbies? are you interested in trying new ones?

I love anything to do with the outdoors, and now that its warming up outside I plan to go for walks/adventure hikes. I enjoy video games. Maybe even try to work out at the gym more. My friend is teaching me sign language so thats something new. And I may want to take a new course and further my school or join a class and learn something (Kickboxing or even martial arts)

thats great, and its probably an added benefit that she has met her. what kind of support are you getting/hoping to get from her?

I feel like I want to learn to be myself again, and find myself. I want to strengthen myself to when I know something is wrong or when I'm not being treated the way I deserve... that I can recognize it and know my boundaries. I think to put my life in focus and deal with the anxiety that I have and how to use this as a possible stepping stone where I can bring my confidence back that basically got sucked out of me.

[once removed]

I'm really trying to give her this space, but after a few weeks I'm going to probably want to talk to her but I could always approach it in a friendly way, without any pressure and just in a casual manner? Or do you think that will scare her away? After all if anything I believe she still thinks of me as her best friend (if anything)... .or would that do more harm? 

yeah, you dont want to wait forever, and a few weeks would be appropriate to reach out. friendly, no pressure, and casual are definitely the way to go. if that scares her away, then virtually anything you do is going to scare her away.
 

I love anything to do with the outdoors, and now that its warming up outside I plan to go for walks/adventure hikes. I enjoy video games. Maybe even try to work out at the gym more. My friend is teaching me sign language so thats something new. And I may want to take a new course and further my school or join a class and learn something (Kickboxing or even martial arts)

this is all seriously good stuff. good for the mind and body. revisiting old hobbies can certainly build confidence, but taking on new skills and hobbies can have an even stronger effect. a

I feel like I want to learn to be myself again, and find myself. I want to strengthen myself to when I know something is wrong or when I'm not being treated the way I deserve... that I can recognize it and know my boundaries. I think to put my life in focus and deal with the anxiety that I have and how to use this as a possible stepping stone where I can bring my confidence back that basically got sucked out of me.

i cant stress enough that this is a great attitude. it takes a great deal of strength to be in these relationships, and that starts with cleaning up our side of the street, and it also starts with dealing with (or not dealing with) disrespect or abusive treatment.

you have a really great plan. when and if she reaches out, it is likely she will sense that you are growing and that will look mighty attractive.

[abraxus]

I think that being asked to give someone space is a really tough one, as you never know how much to give. Too little and they feel pressured, and too much and they might think you don't care.

I try to look at it from what my reasons would be. Am I not reaching out because I genuinely feel she needs the space, or am I not doing it out of fear of her response? Doing it for the right reasons is good, but for the wrong reasons can add to your own anxiety, which could show when you do finally reach out, and thus add to hers. I've found that calmness and consistency are important, which is a lot easier when you're not anxious and uncertain yourself.

I guess you need to use your own judgement and experience of her to make a best guess on timing.

You said you texted her after a day and she said she was thinking about you, but couldn't bring herself to say hi, which sounds positive. Do you have any reason, ie contact from friends etc, to think she'd be negative if you texted her again, in a casual, friendly way, just to keep lines of communication open?

[Tj6]

UPDATE:

She made contact with me yesterday. But it seemed like she was still giving me the "push away" feel and making something permanent. *Our goal was to move to the west coast to be with her family. But I wanted to take courses out there but my courses were only available an hour away from where her family resided.*
It caused some conflict, but she said she would be okay with it and compromise. So I never thought anything of it... .but it seemed like she kept switching her mind with it.

ANYWAYS, she basically said that she was going to be moving in July, and that it was a final decision and that we both have our own things to work on etc. I asked her if me and her could talk in person and she agreed. When I saw her and started talking about it, she seemed like she was thinking mode when I would talk. But kind of appeared to be distracting herself from what I was saying with humour by watching tv (which is one of the ways she deals with things).
I mentioned to her that I was okay with her moving, but that I wanted to come with her, she was staying pretty firm with just going there alone. She seemed to still "paint me black/hold onto negative things" by saying that we had more conflict than good in the last while (which wasn't true, we were actually really good for the entire month until the end) and mentioned I was "controlling", which again was just distorted thinking. She also said that if I were to move with her I'd have to do a lot of "ass kissing" to her family... .I guess, because she painted me black to them as well. (And this isn't the first time).

I was actually trying to set my boundaries about her staying out overnight (she has a history of cheating) and although she was loyal to me I still had the fear... and many couples probably would feel a little uneasy about an overnight anyways, so I'd think thats normal. But she , unable to deal with her emotions in the same way NONs do, thought I was controlling and kind of had a "rebellious" attitude. I never said she couldn't go, but I just said I'd prefer she didn't.

ANYWAYS, so she still kind of held onto these feelings. It almost seemed like her other side was there, guarding herself. (And she said some pretty cold things) She said she fell out of love with me, and I mentioned to her that maybe she didn't know what love really was, and that it wasn't just sparks and butterflies. She mentioned that she just wasn't physically attracted to me anymore (But she's said this in our relationship before). I feel like she still wanted me there, but wasn't going to make it/or give in so easy.

Now heres the crazy part I mentioned that I know she loves me, and that I feel like she's pushing me away because if she convinces herself she doesn't love me then it makes it easier for her. I told her that I know why she stays up so late at night, trying to ease the thoughts, (it got deep) and then she gave me a look like I dipped into her very core, she went silent and then pointed to the door for me to leave. She went into her room and knowing that pwBPD fear abandonment and test, I decided to get into bed with her and cuddle her, and tell her that I know things aren't easy but I won't give up on her. She remained silent throughout, and I asked if she was mad at me... .and she shook her head. I asked if she was happy I understood her better, and she nodded. And I told her i KNOW why she's so sensitive now, and why she needs to be out all the time, or around people and it all made sense. She told me its only day one.. But I feel like I got through to her.

We just laid there... .and then she put on a show on netflix and we just cuddled and ordered food and just hung out after that. When ordering food she handed me her debit card, and I asked, if she was going to pay? Because I was... .but she said take things slow. (I guess she's opening up to me again) She started calling her son, our son again. ... .

What do you think, is this a good thing? Opinions?

[abraxus]

Now heres the crazy part I mentioned that I know she loves me, and that I feel like she's pushing me away because if she convinces herself she doesn't love me then it makes it easier for her. I told her that I know why she stays up so late at night, trying to ease the thoughts, (it got deep) and then she gave me a look like I dipped into her very core, she went silent and then pointed to the door for me to leave. She went into her room and knowing that pwBPD fear abandonment and test, I decided to get into bed with her and cuddle her, and tell her that I know things aren't easy but I won't give up on her. She remained silent throughout, and I asked if she was mad at me... .and she shook her head. I asked if she was happy I understood her better, and she nodded. And I told her i KNOW why she's so sensitive now, and why she needs to be out all the time, or around people and it all made sense. She told me its only day one.. But I feel like I got through to her.

We just laid there... .and then she put on a show on netflix and we just cuddled and ordered food and just hung out after that. When ordering food she handed me her debit card, and I asked, if she was going to pay? Because I was... .but she said take things slow. (I guess she's opening up to me again) She started calling her son, our son again. ... .

What do you think, is this a good thing? Opinions?

I think it's fantastic. It just goes to show how staying calm, and doing the right thing, at the right time, makes all the difference.

Seems like a very good thing to me.

[once removed]

couple of things... .

saying that we had more conflict than good in the last while (which wasn't true, we were actually really good for the entire month until the end) and mentioned I was "controlling", which again was just distorted thinking.

dont be so quick to dismiss her perspective. often times we are on a different page, and experiencing things differently than our partners. if she says there was more conflict, its an accurate reflection of how she felt in the moment. a lot of us have been accused of being controlling - often theres more than a kernel of truth to it. theres the fact that people with BPD have a fear of engulfment, and, after offering themselves up to be controlled, to an extent, will grow to deeply resent it (this is not unique to BPD). and a lot of us are controlling in subtle ways, without realizing it.

I was actually trying to set my boundaries about her staying out overnight

this is an ultimatum. boundaries are for you, they arent rules for another person. boundaries are critical in these relationships (they really are in any relationship) but conversely, someone with BPD will struggle mightily, and may "bust" your boundaries from time to time.

the long and short of it? you can communicate youre not comfortable with her staying out overnight. she may do it anyway. the boundary here is how you respond, even if it means being prepared to walk away.

She said she fell out of love with me, and I mentioned to her that maybe she didn't know what love really was, and that it wasn't just sparks and butterflies.

this is the stuff of invalidating. if you told someone you fell out of love with them, and they replied "maybe you just dont know what love really is", you probably wouldnt think kindly of them or reconsider your position. we all have different definitions and representations of love, and hers are hers. while it is true that people with BPD are impulsive, and over express things, the feelings, good and bad are very real. while they may be subject to change, try to avoid the mistake of believing you know better about how she feels than she does.

Now heres the crazy part I mentioned that I know she loves me, and that I feel like she's pushing me away because if she convinces herself she doesn't love me then it makes it easier for her. I told her that I know why she stays up so late at night, trying to ease the thoughts, (it got deep) and then she gave me a look like I dipped into her very core, she went silent and then pointed to the door for me to leave.

and this is doubling down on that. it will be seen as aggressive and threatening. its telling her how she feels. no one likes having their mind read.

She went into her room and knowing that pwBPD fear abandonment and test, I decided to get into bed with her and cuddle her, and tell her that I know things aren't easy but I won't give up on her. She remained silent throughout, and I asked if she was mad at me... .and she shook her head. I asked if she was happy I understood her better, and she nodded. And I told her i KNOW why she's so sensitive now, and why she needs to be out all the time, or around people and it all made sense. She told me its only day one.. But I feel like I got through to her.

you dont want to play therapist. this is a romantic relationship. avoid coming on too strong, too.

What do you think, is this a good thing? Opinions?

the way you conclude this story sounds like serious progress, yeah. you might even consider moving to the Improving board, and learn the tools there. things sound like theyre progressing but you want to get to a stable point, and take things slowly. keep educating yourself and asking questions, and learning. so much of what so many of us do in these relationships makes things worse, and it takes learning and practice to see it and change it for the better of the relationship.

[Tj6]

a lot of us are controlling in subtle ways, without realizing it.

I can see that from her perspective sometimes it may have felt like it, but I am pretty easy going. In the first half of our relationship I was too nice, and didn't ask her anything about coming home. She would stay out all night and drink etc and sometimes cheat without my knowledge.
Even back when I was relaxed, before I had trust issues... .when she was in her devalue stage, she would tell her friends I was controlling and that our relationship was rocky (even when we hadn't even fought yet, or had like 2 fights). After I ended the relationship the first time, and we started talking again... .I asked her about why she would tell her friends that I was controlling and that our relationship was rocky, when it wasn't. And she told me she would tell people things just to get sympathy for her. I can tell she is in between/or still in the devaluing stage. She wants to push me away... .and even told me she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. And she has said the exact same thing when she was in a devaluing stage before.

this is the stuff of invalidating. if you told someone you fell out of love with them, and they replied "maybe you just dont know what love really is", you probably wouldnt think kindly of them or reconsider your position. we all have different definitions and representations of love, and hers are hers. while it is true that people with BPD are impulsive, and over express things, the feelings, good and bad are very real. while they may be subject to change, try to avoid the mistake of believing you know better about how she feels than she does.

and this is doubling down on that. it will be seen as aggressive and threatening. its telling her how she feels. no one likes having their mind read.

She seemed to see that I was better trying to understand her, but I get what you mean. I guess I was just trying to put into perspective all the things that finally started to make sense and kind of just wanted to say its okay you're not alone and I finally understand.

the way you conclude this story sounds like serious progress, yeah. you might even consider moving to the Improving board, and learn the tools there. things sound like theyre progressing but you want to get to a stable point, and take things slowly. keep educating yourself and asking questions, and learning. so much of what so many of us do in these relationships makes things worse, and it takes learning and practice to see it and change it for the better of the relationship.

I'm going to read up on as much as I can so I can deal with the other times me and her hang out, better. Today I simply just said Hi, and that I had fun with her yesterday and she agreed. I told her I'm looking forward to next time, and she said "me too."
I'm taking a step back and trying to approach it from being a support in her life and a best friend rather than a partner right now. I feel like I'm at a safer distance if I play the best friend role then anything more and as much as I want to see her more, I'm trying to keep it to possibly a few times a week.

The only thing now is... .she is moving to the west coast , and has planned it without me (during our break). Initially we were both supposed to move out there but she didn't want to live an hour from her family. She told me this, but she also said she didn't mind doing so (apparently just to make me happy). But I even told her that it was fine if she did, but I obviously would like to live together, but I never put pressure on her... .although it may probably have felt like it. But I told her I was cool with her going and that I'd just live an hour away. And then she told me I'd have to do lots of sucking up to her family if I was going to go down there as well... .because she already split me black... .to them 
*She has painted me black before to them, when I first ended things with her... .she told her family "good riddance and glad I wasn't in her life"... .I should've caught on earlier to the BPD thing. At first I thought it was NPD... .not knowing her diagnosis. But it just goes to show that she has done this before and then split me white again and told her family it was her and not me.

But I would love to move with her, and hopefully taking it slow , which she said she wanted to do... .hopefully it works... .

[once removed]

In the first half of our relationship I was too nice, and didn't ask her anything about coming home. She would stay out all night and drink etc and sometimes cheat without my knowledge.

yes, this is the other end of the spectrum, and not a healthy dynamic either.

thing is, trying to affect a change in a relationship, or your own behavior is rarely a smooth process. critical, though.

I'm taking a step back and trying to approach it from being a support in her life and a best friend rather than a partner right now. I feel like I'm at a safer distance if I play the best friend role then anything more and as much as I want to see her more, I'm trying to keep it to possibly a few times a week.

thats fine, if its your goal. is your ultimate goal to reestablish a romantic relationship? if so, i might rethink this approach, or at least what a best friendship entails. what does it entail, for you?

[Tj6]

UPDATE:
We saw each other again on Tuesday April 4th. At first it was a bit weird but I could tell it felt like she was holding back.

thats fine, if its your goal. is your ultimate goal to reestablish a romantic relationship? if so, i might rethink this approach, or at least what a best friendship entails. what does it entail, for you?

I do want to establish the romantic relationship but if I push too hard I feel like she will just push further away, so I want to somehow get closer to her but I'm not sure the right way to do that?

We chatted and talked... .and then started bonding over good times. And we discussed some things:


she told me that she thought it was controlling when I tapped her leg with my foot during a conversation where she was saying too much... .and I didn't want to verbally interrupt her. She thought of this as something mean to do. But I would do it to anyone... .friends, family etc. Its like nudging with the elbow but instead... .foot.

I told her it was nearly impossible for me to know that this type of thing would bug her unless she told me herself. We continued to talk and I explained that the way my perspective was seen was different from hers and so I will never know exactly what isn't okay with her, regardless of how trivial it is. We continued to bond over conversation and she started feeling happy we could talk, and was at the point where she didn't want me to leave and stay longer. At the end of the night she kissed me.

However, things still aren't back to normal. She did start texting me more, and actually made the effort to text me first. She suggested we hang out on Friday but I already had prior plans.
She said I could come by but then later said she was going to her friends house and that I could come with. I didn't necessarily want to because I wanted alone time with her. She was acting a bit shady (she's a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict) and has been acting shady since pushing me away. Her house is 5 minutes away from her friends, and she said that she was waiting for her friends brother to pick them up. She was waiting over 20 minutes for a ride when its only a 20 minute walk. The brother of her friend is a cocaine addict and deals drugs. Its odd how he is around more often now. When I asked her what was a good time to stop by she said she'd let me know. Then she said, "just come see me tomorrow". And was persistent with that, and told me her friend just wants friend time.
Then the next day comes rolling around, and she doesn't really seem thrilled at the idea of hanging out (who knows if she's hungover or what) and like she just seemed to really avoid talking much about hanging out. Then knowing her, she goes and says that her friends uncle passed away and that she just found out so she's going to be staying the night again. And its just coincidental that her friends brother... .(cocaine addict) was there as well. It seems so shady. She's gone into past patterns of behaviour which apparently is a good indication for use.
Also my pwBPD has stopped going to her meetings and is having major cravings. She lied the last time she went to AA, and mentioned she did her step 5, when she didn't actually.

What do you think?

[once removed]

shes communicated to you that she doesnt appreciate the nudge. id drop it completely.

how do you feel about her drug/alcohol use?

[Tj6]

how do you feel about her drug/alcohol use?

I'm not sure if she is 100% back to using but it seems that way with her constant irritability.

Things still are up then down. It all depends on the day I catch her. Some days we bond incredibly and it feels like we're dating, other days she is just shutdown and unemotional.
Its like everyone can experience her good side but me, and she says that when I'm around she becomes lost, and that we were so close and happy and it just brings all her feelings into frustration. She says she wants to try with me but something stops her from wanting to.
She mentioned to me that she did this with a lot of her ex's, and often came back to a lot of them too. She mentioned she likes the chase, and that she's a hopeless romantic. But in my head I realize the honeymoon stage doesn't last a long time, and love requires work and time through good times and bad.
But she's convinced I'm a bad person (I think) because she kept saying, I like the way you are you're like this new person, what if you get comfortable and go back to the way you were?
And I'm thinking to myself... .her perspective on me is not true. I feel I am human and everyone has the right to be mad, or sad, happy or angry with something. I'm not being biased but I have my moments but its not a consistent everyday type thing even though she makes it out to be.
Its like walking on eggshells, I have no idea what will set her off or what will make her upset.

Its almost hypocritical for her, she's allowed to be and express if she's mad or what not, but when it comes to me, I can't. Its like she can cheat on me and have whoever, but her mind is selfish and only wants me for herself. But when her roommate kisses me (with no intentions on my part) its like the end of the world and she can't get it out of her head.  And the first time I told her that she wasn't bothered by it until almost a year later.

The hot and cold is like agony to me. She's just completely shut me down. Its like some days she wants to try with me and others she is like a brick wall. It haunts me how right before she ended things, she told me that I needed to know how much she loved me. And then the next minute... .boom nothing. On days she is cold it hurts to be around her, and from our last hang out she was pretty cold. She said that if I didn't want to be treated that way then I shouldn't come over when she's like that. But I didn't know she was like that. It still doesn't give her a reason to be treating me badly.

sigh... .I'm going through a lot of heartache. Its like I can't move past my thoughts. Its like I was conditioned to crave the good times and the good feelings, with periods of distance depending upon the condition until the good came back. I was always waiting for the good to come back. My mind won't let me stop... .