Just waiting for the crash ...

[bpdmom99]

We have been dealing with my D15's mental health issues for the past 1 1/2 yrs.  This has involved numerous hospitalizations and suicide attempts.  This past summer, her psychiatrist diagnosed her with BPD.

Typically, her pattern is that she is able to go around 2-3 months before she 'crashes' (ie her suicidal thoughts escalate to the point where she has an attempt or at least an 'extreme' cry for help).  For her, we have found that having 4-7 days back in the hospital is enough to give her a 'fresh start'. 

She has a number of support workers and therapists who support her on an outpatient basis.  We can all see that she is 'on the edge'.  She reports that her suicidal thoughts are constant, and that she is feeling more and more defeated.  The frustrating part is that - even though all of us are aware of it - it seems that all we can do is sit and wait for whatever the next crisis will be that gets her back into hospital.  Then we can start over and do it all again for a few months.

It feels like a frustrating cycle that has no ending.  And even worse - it feels like we need to wait for the big 'something' that will propel us to towards the only temporary solution ... .which is short term hospitalization.

Any thoughts on breaking the cycle?  Or even suggestions on what we can do while we are in the 'wait and watch' part of the cycle?  Sitting and waiting for what feels like the inevitable just doesn't feel right.  But perhaps that is what this journey is going to be about.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there BPDmom

I'm just so very sorry you're going through this cycle of behaviour with your daughter.

I know how it feels to be in one. We used to have 2-3 months of simmering before a big blow out. It was nowhere near as bad as you've got it but I wanted you to know I understand that period of watching and waiting.

I'm guessing there's no trigger that you can identify? Your daughter is still young and may not be that self aware. I can see how concerning the pattern is, almost like she's needing to blow and seek healing. It must be incredibly scary for her and unbearable for you too.

I found that focussing on my core relationship immensely helpful in improving my relationship with my BPDs. I let everything else take second stage. What level of boundaries or limits do you have?

If something's not working then it needs to change. I suggest looking at her environment first - home and school. Its about being more effective in supporting her - finding the key to this and remaining ever flexible is just so very hard. It's just not easy is it. I'm sorry I can't be of more help but I wanted you to know you're not in your own.

LP

[bpdmom99]

I found that focussing on my core relationship immensely helpful in improving my relationship with my BPDs. I let everything else take second stage. What level of boundaries or limits do you have?

Thanks for your response. My relationship with my daughter is difficult. She has always used me as a way of getting her anger out. For years I let her do it - partly because I thought it helped her, and partly because I thought in some way I maybe deserved it (mommy guilt at it's worst!). I have definitely come to see that it is not healthy for me to be that outlet for her (and I have also come to know that the anger has nothing to do with me!). 6 months ago we - her care team and I - worked hard at setting boundaries to let her know that is not acceptable. The result has been that for the most part she has stopped coming to me as a support and has shut down - from me and from others.

I was always the one who was able to sense when she was at that "tipping point" and would intervene to get her the help she needed. The result was that she was used to me being the one that coaxed her into getting help - vs her being the one who reached out and said "I need help". Since the last hospitalization she has gone to live with her dad, which puts further distance (emotionally) between us. In some ways I see the break as helpful. But in times like this when she is nearing a breaking point it feels particularly scary - particularly since she has never wanted to include her dad in her recovery or emotional concerns (and still doesn't).

So to answer your question- right now I am focusing on trying to give her the space she needs while letting her know I am there for her. None of it feels good. But I am putting out a leap of faith and trying something different. I would love to focus on my relationship with her so that I could be helpful for her and not just a trigger. 

[wendydarling]

Hi BPDmom99

I'm so very sorry you are going through this with your young DD. I went through a cycle of hospitalisations with my 28DD prior to and post dx while she was on the waiting list (12 months) for DBT treatment.

With our situation I believe the quality of care provided by the crisis team over time helped my DD break the cycle and stay out of hospital, they built a relationship with her, she knew she was not alone - DD knew she could reach out and call on them 24/7 (and she did as it was the only care available at that point, reluctantly at first) and they'd support her through, arranged daily meetings, came to the home if required, they offered an alternative path through the crisis. It's 14 months since the last visit to A&E. The other service that's helped is two rest bite stays at a women's crisis home Feb and Nov 2016, the Nov stay was recommended by her therapist - again a step in before hitting rock bottom, placing the onus on my DD to regulate in a calm, structured and supportive environment.

I'm not sure if that's helpful for you. Your DD is young and it's natural you reached out for help I'd have done the same, does your DD have a 24/7 crisis team she can reach out to?

WDx

 

[Lollypop]

Hi BPDmom

I would love to focus on my relationship with her so that I could be helpful for her and not just a trigger

This sounds like you've got a plan!

It's where I started and I got back to basics. Light as a fairy, soft and warm and I talked about anything and everything - but never anything serious. Slowly his sharp edges softened. I demonstrated behaviours I wanted to see in him and he copied without even realising.

Hugs

LP

[bpdmom99]

does your DD have a 24/7 crisis team she can reach out to?

She has support workers, but they are only really available through the week during the weekday.  I think part of our struggle is that right now the hospital seems to be the only place she can go to to get a 'break'.  While your suggestion of a women's shelter probably won't work for my daughter because of her age ... .it does make me start wondering if we need to think of more 'out of the box' ways for her to get that respite she needs that is a safe environment when she is struggling with SI.  Thanks ... .I am going to start thinking more about options... .!

[bpdmom99]

It's where I started and I got back to basics. Light as a fairy, soft and warm and I talked about anything and everything - but never anything serious. Slowly his sharp edges softened. I demonstrated behaviours I wanted to see in him and he copied without even realising.

I have a renewed commitment to trying this approach.  Thanks, LP!  I will let you know how it goes ... .!

[Lollypop]

Good luck and let us know

LP