Help...

[Hurtingmum]

Hello,

I'm new to this - but not new to being treated so badly by my now adult daughter  

She has adhd, PTSD, separation anxiety, and now newly diagnosed as having BPD.

I am feeling at the end of my tether. For the last year my daughter has been so hard to live with my parents have taken her in (we have a 12 yr old too) our younger child was seeing/hearing things from my 18yr old she really didn't need to see/hear at her age. My parents have now made the decision to re house her as she shouted some absolutely disgusting language at them and myself yesterday, including death threats to us and herself, We took her to an out of hours treatment centre- took 2 hrs as she kept refusing to go in, and all they did was give her some diazepam! She is in bed and on them now, with my parents having been waiting since 8 am for a GP/ mental health team call! Still nothing. My daughter drinks , smokes, has risky relationships , unsafe sex with random people, steals, takes drugs, goes out in the middle of the night and has absolutely no respect for anyone. She won't work either. I can't take any more! Any advice at all would be appreciated. I work full time, but my parents say I should give up work to look after her!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi hurtingmum

Welcome to the forum. It sounds as if you're all feeling the pressure and i can really understand the pain and sheer frustration at your situation. There's many many stories on here that have a similar theme. Our children trying to cope and us trying to cope with them. There's support here, and lots of information on the top right on this page. I'm still working my way through it and  already seeing small positive steps in our family.

At 18 my BPDs and story was very similar to yours, drugs, stealing etc. My life was chaotic but now it isn't, it's a lot better and calm so believe me when I say things can be better for you too.

I have two sons BPDs25 and son15. it's a real juggling act trying to meet everyone's needs and you've also got your own parents and their views to deal with on top of everything else. I feel you struggling to breathe!

I live in the uk and I know there are others on the forum. Mental health treatment is extremely limited but there is help out there. I wait for my BPDs to seek treatment, he got referred but has 6 failed appointments. It's great you've got a diagnosis - when was that and is she on a waiting list for therapy?

It sounds as if you've reached a crisis point.

Is your daughter in your house or at her grandparents at this moment in time?

[Hurtingmum]

Hi lollypop

thank you for your reply, my BPDdd18 is at her grandparents at the moment as my dd12 is on Easter hols and we are trying to shield her from this major outburst, no help from gp today just given more diazepam to keep her calm! She was primarily diagnosed by local mental Health team last week but needs confirmation by phychiatrist in 3 weeks , I have no idea what we will do until then as my parents can't cope and are off on holiday abroad in 2 weeks , leaving me wondering how I will cope with all this! She is so very volatile, switching from nice to awful in a split second and my dd12 is terrified of her and it's making her anxious to the point of illness  . Dd18 has been a handful since 5 years old but not diagnosed until 14 with ADHD , she refuses to take meds  for this as makes her feel poorly. She has meds for anxiety which she takes but drinks with these which counteract the effects  I'm feeling so down !

[Lollypop]

Hi hurtingmum

I know it's overwhelming and also just so exhausting. It's like every ounce of strength is squeezed out and at times I wondered how on earth I'd manage, it felt so unbearable. With a complete relationship breakdown with my BPDs I sought help for myself. I turned to this forum once he got diagnosed as I saw I needed to gather and learn as much as I could, I need to try and be the parent he needs me to be.

I wasn't surprised when my BPDs was diagnosed, he was both very relieved but very very scared. I naively thought he'd be able to just go along to therapy and it'd be ok but I realise now it's not as straight forward as I thought. I'd spent years thinking his behaviour was due to drug use but now I realise this was, and still is, just a symptom. I also accept my own part as I reeled around for years trying to fix him, grieving for him.

You might want to start reading up on BPD on this site if you haven't started yet. I'm still a newbie myself and have been actively posting for only a few months. BPDS returned home in mid-Dec after a crisis. I swore I'd never have him back but we did as we couldn't face the alternative.

I don't have any experience of ADHD and BPD but I'm sure there are plenty here who can share their experiences. I've managed to get myself back in control, I wobble, I practise the new skills, I stumble but get back up again as I learn on here.

My whole family are benefitting what I've learnt so far. We are learning a new way and it's been unbelievable to see progress after I thought there was no hope. I've learnt to try and not predict the future, worry about next week or month, but only deal with today as that's all we have.

[Giggy]

Lollipop

I totally understand what you are saying.  It is so hard but I too am reading and getting informed it's comforting to know that we are not alone but it hurts to know that so many are hurting... .

[8daysAweek]

Hey Hurtingmum,

Welcome to the site. It seems like you need a big hug   

It must so hard to juggle everything at once. Don't forget about what YOU need. When I get stressed from the struggles I face everyday, it really helps when I take a step back and practice good self care. Here are some steps that work for me and hopefully will give you some good ideas.

I say good things about myself like: "I know I can handle this" and "This situation is temporary and things will get better" 

I make myself a good cup of coffee and watch my favorite movie/ tv show and relax on the couch for a bit.

I call a good friend that will listen and understand what I'm going through, or just to chat and reminisce to get my mind of things for a bit.


You said your daughter is taking diazepam and has a drug problem. Having anxiety is tough, especially on top of PTSD and BPD. Diazepam is a narcotic and is generic Valium which is addictive and often abused by drug users.

Maybe you and D18 can talk to a psychiatrist or even a physician about finding her a non-narcotic daily anxiety medication that will really help her if you think that is a possibility. 

My heart truly goes out to you.

-8days

[landslide]

Dear Hurtingmum,

My daughter has a nearly identical set of diagnoses and behaviors and is just a little younger (16).  I can empathize completely with feeling out of control, exhausted, sad for your younger child (we have a 9 y/o son) and frustrated with the system (an behavioral emergency room recently saw and discharged my daughter, saying our only recourse was to involve the police and get her into the juvenile offender system!)  Since you are pretty new here (as am I), I agree with everyone's advice to check out the readings/tools on the site.  It is empowering to respond differently; even though you can't change the illness, you can create emotional boundaries for yourself.  It would also be helpful to read past messages written by folks talking about their adult children who live at home- I've seen many good examples of people setting expectations and following through.  And I agree with 8 Days thoughts on self-care.  Although your parents are encouraging you to care-take full-time, you should only do so if that feels right to you.  I know if I gave up my job, I would go crazy!  My best wishes to you, I hope things gradually feel less bleak and that you will feel less alone by engaging here.  It has helped me tremendously.   

[Agape76]

Dear hurtingmum,

There have been so many times I have wondered how I would cope with the consequences of my 21 year old daughters illness... .I particularly remember her last suicide attempt, when she told me at 2pm she'd taken an overdose. I called an ambulance, waited with her, helped fill in all the paperwork then sent her off to hospital in the ambulance as I had a school pick up to do for two of my younger children and refused to offload them on to someone else AGAIN :-( I told her I'd try to visit in the evening.

I look back at the last 18 months and wonder how I have made it through to now! But somehow I have and I'm sure you will too... .but it is so, so hard isn't it? I needed to reach out to family and friends for support but no one really understood and I felt like I was betraying my daughter when I told people so we ended up with a tiny group of trusted friends who tried to support us. Then my daughter would tell everyone anyway as she loved their concern and the attention!

I get hope and encouragement from reading about others experiences on this message board... .somehow people make it through such tough circumstances.

When my 23 yr old daughter in law was very, very ill with her BPD I told my son to keep calling the emergency doctor or taking her to A&E in the hopes that eventually they'd admit her. It took about four goes but then she was admitted to a psych ward and got some treatment (rather than diazepam again!). She's still waiting for DBT but is doing better now :-)

I really hope you get the support you and your family need :-)

[qcarolr]

Reading all your posts here is very encouraging. Learning new ways to relate to our love ones with BPD (well with everyone really) has also worked for me. I had a lot of work to do on myself before I reached the point to be consistently available for my BPDDD30 and my gd10. Yes, the tools do work and I needed lots and lots of practice!

Finding personal support in my community was a key to reducing my resistance to change and allowing myself to love my DD with a wholeheartedness in spite of all her difficulties. I also put personal values-based boundaries into place a quit feeling guilty about them. Some of the resources I found were professionals for gd and myself (dh and I are custodial parents for gd), learning how to monitor/filter what I shared with friends and family (saying too much I ended up too alone), accepting that I needed to take additional meds. for my bipolar (to be more consistent and think more clearly), and being invited to a very healing faith community. This community is like the glue that sticks all the other parts together, and offers me some peace at any time, any place. Even in the midst of the 'normal' chaos.

Look forward to hearing more... .

qcr Carol

[Worriedgma]

 . I find little relief in reading other's stories which bring back so many of my own memories of this awful, heartbreaking, & confusing struggle we, as parents face. I wish this on nobody but recognize the importance of just talking with somebody about it especially during times of feeling so little hope.  Untreated BPD is a living nightmare and the resulting unprovoked & unexpected rages often aimed at parents cut us to our deepest core. My experience 14 years after original diagnosis is that left untreated, it worsens. A spouse may alleviate the frequency of you being the target, but once grandchildren are added to the mix, it gets unfathomable. I think it's all of the endless years of trying to support and survive our child's bad behaviors that make witnessing our grandchildren's attempts to survive it pure hell. My advice would be to read every book & piece of literature you can to learn & practice the tools they provide to lessen the occurrences of these behaviors and rages & establish your boundaries. Use every trick in the book to get them to accept treatment... .and pray... .this IS one of those things that no matter our determination to fix it, we may not be able. Lastly, get professional help for yourself if you find your health compromised in any fashion. I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this too. Sending Hugs.