Losing my mind

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've popped in and out of this site over the last couple of years. Tomorrow is my 4 year anniversary with my sweet, funny, handsome, lying, irrational, emotionally and verbally abusive cheating husband. I am 34, no kids.

He is all of these things. The first couple of years I was confused and upset by the constant outbursts, irrational and intense anger, and ups and downs. I thought he was just stressed out. Then my mom showed me "Walking on Eggshells" when she was leaving my NPD father (I think she mistook one for the other with him) and the lightbulb went off.

I did my best to deal, unsuccessfully, for a while. A year ago he started therapy and medication and I had hope, then it was immediately followed by me finding out about an emotional affair with a co worker. He was initially "sorry" but after a couple of weeks decided we were simply done talking about it. My trust issues did not end but I tried to let it pass. We made up and the anger and abused lessened almost to the point where I thought things were better but he has been on various medications and marijuana. A year passed, our best ever really, and I was feeling good. Denial maybe.

Then another affair. Physical this time. I found out and insisted on therapy. A few weeks later I find out he's had her over to the house again while I was traveling. We had a big blow up, I spent 3 weeks with family, and back this week. He shows no remorse, refuses to continue discussing his actions (says "it's in the past, stop blaming me for everything" and is mainly focused on how selfish and indifferent I am, saying I need to work harder at the relationship. I still love him and am devastated but feel that if he is truly of this mindset there is no hope for change. I'm tired of being treated like this.

I still love him intensely and hate the idea of causing him the pain I know is coming. I am looking for any reason not to leave. I am supposed to sign a lease on an apartment tomorrow and he doesn't know. I still think I might back out and stay but I know it will destroy me and he'll just cheat again.

Any advice out there sorry so long

[Atl951]

I've popped in and out of this site over the last couple of years. Tomorrow is my 4 year anniversary with my sweet, funny, handsome, lying, irrational, emotionally and verbally abusive cheating husband. I am 34, no kids.

He is all of these things. The first couple of years I was confused and upset by the constant outbursts, irrational and intense anger, and ups and downs. I thought he was just stressed out. Then my mom showed me "Walking on Eggshells" when she was leaving my NPD father (I think she mistook one for the other with him) and the lightbulb went off.

I did my best to deal, unsuccessfully, for a while. A year ago he started therapy and medication and I had hope, then it was immediately followed by me finding out about an emotional affair with a co worker. He was initially "sorry" but after a couple of weeks decided we were simply done talking about it. My trust issues did not end but I tried to let it pass. We made up and the anger and abused lessened almost to the point where I thought things were better but he has been on various medications and marijuana. A year passed, our best ever really, and I was feeling good. Denial maybe.

Then another affair. Physical this time. I found out and insisted on therapy. A few weeks later I find out he's had her over to the house again while I was traveling. We had a big blow up, I spent 3 weeks with family, and back this week. He shows no remorse, refuses to continue discussing his actions (says "it's in the past, stop blaming me for everything" and is mainly focused on how selfish and indifferent I am, saying I need to work harder at the relationship. I still love him and am devastated but feel that if he is truly of this mindset there is no hope for change. I'm tired of being treated like this.

I still love him intensely and hate the idea of causing him the pain I know is coming. I am looking for any reason not to leave. I am supposed to sign a lease on an apartment tomorrow and he doesn't know. I still think I might back out and stay but I know it will destroy me and he'll just cheat again.

Any advice out there sorry so long

[BeagleGirl]

Atl951,

I am SO sorry you are going through this.  My advice (for what it's worth) is to:
1.  Spend some time doing whatever it takes to deal with the hurt you have experienced from his betrayal(s).  It sounds like that probably won't include watching him sob over the pain he has caused you, but that doesn't mean that your pain is any less real or needs to be ignored/minimized/stuffed. 
2.  Start asking yourself a lot of questions or find a trusted friend who can ask you those questions.  Try not to make them too big, like "Should I divorce him or stay with him?" at least at first.  Start with "What would it be like to have my own place in which to heal and make well thought out decisions in vs staying in my familiar environment and known routines with regular interaction with him?"  That might help you feel more comfortable making a decision on the apartment lease. 
3.  Avoid being told what you should do and doing what you "should".  I know that there are times when you will want/need to go on autopilot and having someone you trust to direct you during those times is a great gift.  The danger to avoid is falling into a victim role where you feel like everything is happening to you and you don't have a choice.  If you are feeling pressured, internally or externally, to do something you feel is against your will, look for an escape hatch that will allow you to delay the decision/action.
4.  Take care of yourself.  It sounds like you are very aware of the pain you might cause others.  That's an admirable trait.  Just remember the motto of "put your own oxygen mask first, then assist others". 

[Atl951]

Hi BeagleGirl,

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I ended up getting the apartment, if only to have the security of knowing a safe place was available. We had a few ok days last week followed by a giant blowup because I went out and stayed with friends last night. He was screaming at me this morning and when he started calling me names I left the room. When he stormed out I took the dog and came to the apartment. Incidentally, we have a beagle

I'm questioning if it was wrong of me to leave since I know every time I am triggering his feelings of abandonment. Or maybe I'm just believing his constant point that everything is my fault. Either way now I don't know whether to go back home. This sucks!

I'm thinking about proposing a temporary separation but I know he'll react with more rage.

[BeagleGirl]

Incidentally, we have a beagle. 

You must be an awesome person. . One of the hardest parts of my separation has been not being able to live with my beagles. I have 3 and they stay at the house with my husband and son.

Starting the separation was incredibly difficult for me. It took almost a year for me to pull the trigger (I kept giving "last chances". In hindsight, I wish I had done this sooner. I thought the act of moving out would be the defining moment, but I have come to realize that I had to also mentally separate from him and emotionally separate from his needs. He has definitely tried to "reel me back in" with all the FOG triggers he can, but I was also amazed at how much I tended to find myself pulled in by my own guilt/desire to fix things/loneliness, etc.  I managed to not show him that I was still walking on eggshells, but it really hit me when reading "Why does he do that" how much my mind and emotions still revolved around him, even when we weren't together.

All of this to say, for a separation to work, you will have to stop spending your time worrying about what inappropriate things he might feel/do. For you to stay (and not go crazy) you will have to stop making decisions based on what inappropriate things he might feel/do. Either way, if you are to be healthy, the poor guy is going to feel/do inappropriate things, but that won't rule your life the way it has. At least that's what I think most of us on this site are working towards.

[Atl951]

You must be an awesome person. . One of the hardest parts of my separation has been not being able to live with my beagles. I have 3 and they stay at the house with my husband and son.

I'm pretty sure I would miss my beagle more than my husband. He's always complaining that I love the dog more

It took you a year to leave, huh? I'm sure it is infinitely more difficult with children involved.

I ultimately couldn't leave him over the weekend. I came home, made up, all parties promised to change, and I canceled the lease on the apartment. I am going to start with a new therapist to try and control my own behavior and choices better so I don't end up in the same situation down the road, although obviously I cannot control whether he cheats. I'm feeling hopeful but also realize there is only a slim chance of success. I guess I will know if and when I am ready. A bit ashamed, like if I had been stronger I would have left him.

[BeagleGirl]

Atl951,
    Please try not to carry around guilt for not leaving. While I wish I had left earlier, I know that I left at the right time. I don't think I became stronger in that year it took me to leave (quite the opposite in many ways) but there were some things I needed to go through/work through before I was ready to leave.
    I know it takes a tremendous amount of courage (and/or desperation) to leave. I also know it takes a tremendous amount of courage to stay and take on the responsibility to change your actions and responses. If you had chosen to stay and not continue seeking help and change in yourself I still wouldn't consider you weak or cowardly, but I would be more saddened that you were unlikely to "move forward".
    No matter your ultimate destination (stay in or leaving the relationship) or the speed at which you are moving in that direction, or how many u turns you make, you should remain in the driver's seat and not let guilt take over.
BeagleGirl

[eggfry]

Thank you for sharing the experiences and the advice. I'm a new member and your story had so many parallels to my own. I can't tell you how meaningful it was to know that I'm not alone. I have two German Shepherds.

[Atl951]

Atl951,
    Please try not to carry around guilt for not leaving. While I wish I had left earlier, I know that I left at the right time. I don't think I became stronger in that year it took me to leave (quite the opposite in many ways) but there were some things I needed to go through/work through before I was ready to leave.
    I know it takes a tremendous amount of courage (and/or desperation) to leave. I also know it takes a tremendous amount of courage to stay and take on the responsibility to change your actions and responses. If you had chosen to stay and not continue seeking help and change in yourself I still wouldn't consider you weak or cowardly, but I would be more saddened that you were unlikely to "move forward".
    No matter your ultimate destination (stay in or leaving the relationship) or the speed at which you are moving in that direction, or how many u turns you make, you should remain in the driver's seat and not let guilt take over.
BeagleGirl

I NEEDED THIS! Thanks. I am really in a horrible place this week. We are trying to communicate but for my husband that means harping on the fact that family and friends know about the affair(s) and how is he supposed to deal with that in the future. He's very upset at MY actions - never mind the fact that he had the affair in the first place! He also blames the affair on my failures in the relationship (of course). I am trying to validate his feelings of hurt without letting go of the facts of the situation (he cheated and I had a right to seek support), but the attempts at constant manipulation are exhausting and very disheartening. I can't stop questioning my decision and I'm not sure if I can let go of all this anger in order to move forward. I feel hopeless.

[peacemountain]

ATL951,

I'm so very sorry that you're in this place. I've been here with my first husband. I can imagine the betrayal, hurt, confusion, anger and so many other things you're feeling. It's pretty much an impossible place to make a decision of any importance or duration. Give yourself the grace to take your time. What will you do today? Tomorrow will take care of itself. Any decision you make today can be changed tomorrow.

It sounds like your H is in denial mode. He's throwing the responsibility for his behavior around at everyone (you, family, friends) and hoping it will stick somewhere because if it does, then he doesn't have to take accountability for his actions. He doesn't have to clean up the mess.

NEVER in any circumstance, no matter what you have or have not done, is your H's affair your fault. It was his choice alone to cheat. He will need to face the consequences and choose whether or not to clean up his mess. You have complete permission to step back and see which path he chooses. It will be pretty clear which direction he decides to commit to (based on HIS ACTION over time, not his words). It takes a lot of time and commitment and dedication on his part to turn this around.

Sometimes when in a relationship with a pwBPD we forget what healthy relationships look like. We start to expect and settle for less. It is perfectly ok for you to need and request the following elements of a healthy relationship:
1. To be treated with respect
2. To feel safe
3. To feel loved the great majority of the time
4. To have a relationship that creates far more possibilities than it takes away
5. To feel seen
(taken from Should I Stay our Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft)

Make YOU the priority now. Give yourself the grace to feel the feelings and work through the emotions. Treat yourself kindly, no judging, no rushing. Go get a massage, surround yourself with friends that build you up. Do the things that remind you of the beautiful, wonderful person that you are! We are here for you 

[Atl951]

Make YOU the priority now. Give yourself the grace to feel the feelings and work through the emotions. Treat yourself kindly, no judging, no rushing. Go get a massage, surround yourself with friends that build you up. Do the things that remind you of the beautiful, wonderful person that you are! We are here for you 

Thanks for your post and the words of encouragement. I'm seriously amazed at the support on this website and should have started posting a long time ago. You said you'd been in the same position with your first husband - can I ask what happened when you finally left?

I'm doing my best to take care of myself this week, although I'm feeling a lot of pain and shame. I think it's extra overwhelming because I am so used to keeping my emotions in a place where I cannot feel or even recognize them. One day at a time... .

[peacemountain]

Atl,

Completely agree. The people here are amazing!

My first husband was not BPD. Therapist actually told me we were dealing with some NPD there. He was also addicted to porn. Kind of a long story with him, but I'll try to summarize About 7 years into our marriage (we'd dated for 7 so a total of 14 years in), I found out he'd been having and affair for 3 months (he was completely emotionally entangled with her as well). I confronted him. I told him that I wanted to make it work but that he would need to go no contact with the other woman. He took a few weeks away up at his mom's cabin to "make a decision", came back and said he would stop seeing the other woman and work to repair the relationship. We went through a few counselors before finding the right one. He had a few slip ups with the other woman (went to see her once, sent her a care package, got in touch over messenger). At first he was like your H - upset that I was "checking up" on him, angry with who I told, angry that I was angry with him, mad when I would refuse to be intimate with him. But when he really started to get serious about it, was when he saw how much damage he had done. And then he was ok with me being angry, not wanting to have sex, not feeling like I could trust him. He accepted that he had broken trust and that it wasn't his right to have it back. He had to earn trust through consistent, long term change. I had a lot to work through as well. So many emotions of anger, betrayal (she was my friend btw), inadequacy, shock. We worked really hard. I'm a very forgiving person, so that helped. I can honestly say, by a year and a half out, counselling every week, we had come to a place in our marriage where it was actually better than it had EVER been. We had a lot of closeness and trust.

I'm still not sure what happened but fast forward ANOTHER 7 years, and I find out he's been having an affair for 2 years with this woman he was friends with. He told me she was a lesbian, so up to a point, I hadn't suspected anything. At this point I was 8 months pregnant. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it had happened again. In my gut over the last 6 months I had known something wasn't right, but I had no idea. I was so angry. I was so worried that I or my unborn son had contracted some sort of STD. I think this one really got into my head because it had been going on under my nose for 2 YEARS. I had had this woman in my home and served her dinner. We had gone to movies together. I really began to doubt myself. How could I have been so stupid? Let's just say he was a master liar at this point, there was certainly some gas-lighting that happened (now that I look back on specific conversations). I was out and out duped and manipulated. The real problem now was that he had been with her so long and was so emotionally entangled, that he had completely lost all love and respect for me. He refused to go no contact with her. He in essence wanted his marriage AND her. I couldn't agree to that so about 1 month after I gave birth to our son I told him he had to move out. For the next year we went back and forth between trying to work to put things back together and him taking up with his girlfriend again. After a year, it was clear to me that he wasn't going to get his sh#$ together any time soon. So I started divorce proceedings. That took another year.

Now, 5 years out, he has pretty much gotten himself put back together. He made a comment last month that he wishes for our son's sake that he could have figured out his sh@# before it was too late. He's done a lot of soul searching and therapy. He's a great father. We have a great co-parenting relationship. But I know that I could never trust him again in a romantic relationship.

Here's the thing. Some people find out their spouses are cheating and BAM! they're gone. For some that works. For me, I had to know I was making the right decision. I didn't want to have any regrets. And I don't. I can honestly say from the very bottom of my heart... .I tried EVERYTHING that I could do. The change I needed to see in those 2 years simply didn't happen. I think seeing where he's at now, and how he's made his life right, if I had divorced him right away, I would definitely be wondering if I had done the right thing.

Something really interesting I was reading in "Should I say or Should I Go" by Lundy Bancroft last night: You can move forward without making a decision to leave right now. I think she said it this way: The decision of when to stop waiting for your partner is a different decision from the one about when to leave him. Meaning, you can move forward today, you can take care of yourself, you can let yourself feel your emotions, you can grieve, you can start remembering who you are at your core and investing in that person APART from making any sort of decision to leave. Yes, it does make it a bit more complicated because you're daily faced with the relationship and the intricacies of trying to heal it. But I'd challenge you now (and BTW, I'm trying the same thing myself with my current H), for once, put YOU first. Invest in YOU in these ways and put the relationship on the back burner so to say. I think things will become much more clear and you'll then be able to make your decisions of what to do much more clearly and in a way that honors who you are at your core.

Wish I could give you a real hug!    I'm sorry you are in this place. There is hope and happiness again. Give yourself time to grieve. There's nothing wrong with emotions. You don't have to tie them up and lock them in a closet somewhere. Let them out in the sunshine where the fresh air and sun can burn them up and blow them away.