Setting a Plan

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm setting a plan and a deadline.

By Setpember 1, if 27 occurences of verbal/spiritual/emotional abuse or excessive arguments occur, then I will leave my relationship. I will track all of this in a log for my own sanity and for evidence in the event that a restraining order is needed. 27 days with arguments or verbal abuse would mean that 2/3s of our relationship is spent in chaos or turmoil. The goal of leaving is not for divorce, but as a wakeup call for him to get help. I will set up a plan for reconciliation with very concrete steps for him (and me)to take and also look for signs of him truly trying to fix things.

I spent some time last night looking at why I have stayed in this relationship and what has prevented me from leaving. For years I've told myself that it's because of financial security and not wanting to give up my lifestyle, but that has just been my excuse. I make plenty of money that I could live comfortably by myself if needed. I acknowledged the real reason: fear (of what he will do to me, to others, to himself) but that is no longer a valid reason. I have a very strong support system including friends, church, this board, and family.

I hope I don't lose my nerve to follow through on this. I'm hoping that setting things up as action steps and checklists will help me to remain emotionally calm during this time.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm setting a plan and a deadline.

By Setpember 1, if 27 occurences of verbal/spiritual/emotional abuse or excessive arguments occur, then I will leave my relationship. I will track all of this in a log for my own sanity and for evidence in the event that a restraining order is needed. 27 days with arguments or verbal abuse would mean that 2/3s of our relationship is spent in chaos or turmoil. The goal of leaving is not for divorce, but as a wakeup call for him to get help. I will set up a plan for reconciliation with very concrete steps for him (and me)to take and also look for signs of him truly trying to fix things.

I spent some time last night looking at why I have stayed in this relationship and what has prevented me from leaving. For years I've told myself that it's because of financial security and not wanting to give up my lifestyle, but that has just been my excuse. I make plenty of money that I could live comfortably by myself if needed. I acknowledged the real reason: fear (of what he will do to me, to others, to himself) but that is no longer a valid reason. I have a very strong support system including friends, church, this board, and family.

I hope I don't lose my nerve to follow through on this. I'm hoping that setting things up as action steps and checklists will help me to remain emotionally calm during this time.

[formflier]

Tattered Heart,

I wish I knew your story better.  For now I'll share some general truths that have stood the test of time.

  The goal of leaving is not for divorce, but as a wakeup call for him to get help. 

Leaving a relationship to "communicate something" other than "I'm leaving the relationship" usually brings confusion and disappointment to both people in the relationship.

I would encourage you to create a plan that is consistent with a message you want to send.

Can you understand that "I'm leaving you so you will wake up and we can get back together" is confusing to some?

I love metrics... .I fancy myself a "metric based decision maker". 

What can you add to the metric that describes what you will be doing in the interim to "do your part" for the r/s.  (this is where I wish I knew your story better... .I understand you very well may have been doing "your part" for a while or perhaps there are areas where you contribute... I just don't know)

Big picture:  Leaving the future of the r/s in the hands of a disordered person to "make the metric" or not... .is usually not a good recipe for the r/s to succeed.


FF

[Tattered Heart]

I have been working on things for a very long time. I've gone to counseling. I gorge myself on BPD information and how to make things work. I have made leaps and bounds in how I respond to him through validating, setting boundaries, looking at my own failures in the relationship, etc. A friend of mine, who is a counselor, recently told me that she has never seen anyone try so hard to make corrections in their marriage to try to fix it.

I'm not putting all the metrics onto him. I know that just due to the nature of having BPD that he will have several moments that he is unable to control his response. I also have to continue working on all of my own skills. In my mind if I'm working on myself and my reaction to him and we are still having issues 66% of the time in our relationship then things have gone terribly wrong. 66% seems like a pretty high level of conflict. If my tracking shows that our conflict is no where near that level then I can metrically see things are not as bad as I think they are and I can keep on trying to make things work.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear TH-

Please don't get angry at me.  Let's start with every life being worth $10.00.  You're going to give yours away for $3.33.  Please consider a better "price".

Sent with love,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

I would much rather you have a metric about how many times YOU walk away from conflict.

Measure things that you do.  My hope is that you will know about him only to the point of disrespect... .and then you walk away.

FF

[formflier]

Another way of saying it... .you should be able to get conflict to well under half in your r/s based on your boundaries alone.    You control that... .100percent... .so you control the metric.
FF