I bought a red dress

[BeagleGirl]

Warning:  This is a rambling monologue, but those who are willing to mine may find some nuggets of insight.

The dress isn't one of those "vavavoom" red dresses.  It's modest and feminine, but it's a shade of red that is unapologetic, and it's ALL red; not just a splash or hint of red. 
I've been trying to figure out why that dress has so much meaning to me.  This morning I am thinking it is because I feel seen in that dress, and it's empowering.  I have worn the dress twice now (work meeting and church) and people approach me to say how lovely my dress is and that red is definitely my color and I smile and offer them a dose of joy in return. 
For so long I have lived in a world where red is the color of anger and blood - something to be avoided, hidden, cleaned up.  3 months into a separation from my husband w/BPD, I am reentering a world where red can be confidence and beauty and an invitation to share myself with the world around me. 
After church on Sunday, I was invited by my husband to the house I no longer live in for lunch.  I was wearing the red dress.  I was asked if I would be willing to talk.  I sat calmly and listened to all the vague promises of change and requests that I "fully forgive" him.  I was engaged in what he was saying but did very little speaking.  After he had said all he wanted/needed to say, I started asking questions.  The answers indicate no change.  When emotions started rising, I disengaged.  He chased.  I left.

I think I've decided to take another step in a clear direction - legal separation.  I talked it over with my counselor yesterday.  I've been warned that taking this step may trigger self harm and suicidal threats or actions.  Sadly, my main (only?) reaction to that idea seems to be a "mamma bear" response to protect my boys (S18 and S14) from anything he may do, and to distance myself even further from him emotionally.

There's been a lot of discussion about feeling like a jerk because we live in a state of either numbness or negative emotions towards our pwBPD.  I'm definitely in that group.  There's also been a lot of discussion about losing ourselves.  I WAS in that group.  I know I can't be myself in the presence of my husband, but I have spent the last 3 months rediscovering that I am a good mother, friend, employee, colleague, and even "stranger with a contagious smile". 
I have so much to offer others, and I haven't been a good steward of that.  I have poured myself primarily (exclusively at times) into a person who is full of holes.  I can keep pouring in the best of myself, but it does nothing to fill him up, and what spills out of him does not benefit others.  I kept pouring and pouring until I emptied myself.  Then I'd get a little burst of hope and immediately pour that into him as well.  And there we sat, both of us empty.  I'd point out holes and hand him putty.  I'd try to shove the putty in myself.  Eventually I realized that I had been so focused on patching him up that I had developed my own holes, all over the place.  And I had removed myself from all the things that fill me up.  So I have stopped pouring into him.  I have gone about patching my holes.  I have put myself directly in line with the Source of love and beauty and all things I want to share with others.

And I bought a red dress.

BG

[Tattered Heart]

That's beautiful. Made me cry. I hope you being to blossom and can see your worth more and more everyday. May your life be filled with many red dress moments.

[BeagleGirl]

I've been sitting here wondering... .What is the male equivalent of buying a red dress?  Gentlemen, I'd love to hear from any of you who have had those moments of rediscovering yourselves.

[Lalathegreat]

This is brillance! The analogy with the putty - exactly how I feel in my relationship.

I'm still early in my relationship and posts like yours serve as a warning of what's to come if I continue as I have been. Thank you thank you thank you - I needed to see exactly this post at exactly this time.

I'm sure your red dress is stunning... .

[patientandclear]

Best rambling monologue ever!  Thanks so much for posting this.

[Larmoyant]

This makes me feel like going out and buying a red dress of my own. Thank you so much for posting 

[Lugnut]

Thank you for posting this.

[DaddyBear77]

BeagleGirl, what a beautiful rant! I read this last night before I went to bed and then re-read it when I woke up. It lifted me out of a horrible funk and inspired me. Thank you.

I've been sitting here wondering... .What is the male equivalent of buying a red dress?  Gentlemen, I'd love to hear from any of you who have had those moments of rediscovering yourselves.

The essential element, that I think goes across all genders and all people, is the need to value ourselves. Your red dress gave you a very visual reminder of who you really are and that, in turn, reminded you of how valuable that person is that you just (re)discovered.

For me, one recent moment was when I rediscovered a long forgotten talent. Playing a musical instrument is something I enjoyed long ago but have totally let go. The other day I found my trumpet from high school. I took it out, put in the mouth piece, and within a few moments I was playing a song I hadn't remembered I had for over 20 years.

I've often thought about what it would mean for me to open myself back up again, and your post really showed me what that could be like. So thank you.

[BeagleGirl]

DaddyBear,
I'm so glad you shared your "reawakening" experience.  It makes me wonder if I should go find a flute.  I haven't played in about 25 years, but I still remember what an outlet for emotional expression it was for me.  I'm sure I'm rusty, but that is probably a good idea for the next time I find myself needing to find myself. 
BG

[allienoah]

I am joining all the others in thanking you for that fantastic post! I would like to share that I had a "red dress" moment when I recently booked a vacation with a friend and offered up no JADE at all! I had been squashing my love of travel for so long to accommodate my bf that I lost that part of myself-and I have found it. It was so empowering to me that despite his protestations, I am on my way very soon.
It's moments such as these that I know at the end of a very long tunnel there is light for me.