Reflections about why I stay

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Reflections

Sometimes your friends see it most clearly.  I had a long talk with a buddy of mine (fellow Naval Aviator)... we literally flew together from “studenthood” until his retirement flight….which I flew with him.  He has been through a divorce and is 9 years into his second marriage.  He believes that he has it right.  I can tell.

I relayed to him the story of cutting the last financial ties and that I was having a “melancholy” day.  As pilots... we are “checklist oriented”... .the order of things usually matters.  He said “what’s next” and I said I didn’t know.   

Financially speaking... .we’ve reached the last step.  Kind of like the guy on that commercial that goes to the end of the internet and didn’t know what to do.

So... I flat out asked him what he sees when he looks at me.  He said in the past few years I’ve become much happier, more relaxed and the change from therapy is obvious. 

He chuckled and said I had more patience than anyone he knows and he said from listening to me over the past few years it was obvious my love for and satisfaction from being a Dad has skyrocketed  (again... .a nod to intensive once a week T)

He finished by saying that it was sad I didn’t seem to like or care much about FFw anymore, because we used to seem like such good friends.  I was struck by the way he said it... .he didn’t say in love... .he didn’t say lovers.  It had been a long time since I thought of my wife in that way... .as a friend.  His observation also validated my perception that we had a good marriage/friendship until 2009 and the flood that drove us off our farm.

He mentioned that his first wife was never really his friend.  He checked out after 4-5 years and then putzed around another 10 before he divorced.

Well... .I did lots of thinking... .some sweet memories with the associated pain that comes from knowing those memories are in the distant past, with no indication they will come back. 

The reason I’ve stayed is that my wife and I used to have the best conversations.  And I’ve hoped upon hope to have another one.

I still remember my favorite conversation of all time with her.  Summer 2008.   Our farmhouse was close to the river, lots of nice shade trees.  We would slip away from the kids and sit by the river and just enjoy hanging out.  I usually talked her into being the one to lean against the tree so I could put my head in her lap and she would scratch and pet my head while we talked.

Anyway, the day of our best conversation ever started as a talk about how well kids were doing with chores, driving the tractor and stuff like that.  I remarked how happy the kids seemed when they earned their “tractor qual” and Daddy let them drive and do things without Daddy around.

My wife then remarked that she knew a big kid that was happy on the farm (me) and I got to relive my memories of operating a little skid steer during summers at my Dad’s farm.  Here is the thing... .I hadn’t told her that story in years... perhaps only once or twice ever.

It was a little dinky gas powered thing, likely the smallest skidder they made at the time, but it was the “biggest” thing they would turn me loose on and leave.  I was king of the farm... cleaning out hog pens.

It meant my wife had really listened the once or twice I told it.  She understood the power those moments had in my life and how I was passing those moments... in a deliberate fashion, onto our kids.

She got who I was and what I was about.  She was proud of me.  She liked what she saw enough to have a gazillion kids with me and let me fill them with my quite particular ways of raising kids on a farm.

But at the heart of it... we were friends that enjoyed each other's company.

I stay because I keep thinking I can figure out a way to get my friend back….

Sadly... .I now have the understanding that when my wife see’s what I’m offering now she instead focuses on her sister, a three time divorced adulteress, instead of a me, because I ask my kids how they “felt” after reading scripture (for example).

That’s a long way from 2008 by the river.

That makes me sad…

FF

[formflier]

Reflections

Sometimes your friends see it most clearly.  I had a long talk with a buddy of mine (fellow Naval Aviator)... we literally flew together from “studenthood” until his retirement flight….which I flew with him.  He has been through a divorce and is 9 years into his second marriage.  He believes that he has it right.  I can tell.

I relayed to him the story of cutting the last financial ties and that I was having a “melancholy” day.  As pilots... we are “checklist oriented”... .the order of things usually matters.  He said “what’s next” and I said I didn’t know.   

Financially speaking... .we’ve reached the last step.  Kind of like the guy on that commercial that goes to the end of the internet and didn’t know what to do.

So... I flat out asked him what he sees when he looks at me.  He said in the past few years I’ve become much happier, more relaxed and the change from therapy is obvious. 

He chuckled and said I had more patience than anyone he knows and he said from listening to me over the past few years it was obvious my love for and satisfaction from being a Dad has skyrocketed  (again... .a nod to intensive once a week T)

He finished by saying that it was sad I didn’t seem to like or care much about FFw anymore, because we used to seem like such good friends.  I was struck by the way he said it... .he didn’t say in love... .he didn’t say lovers.  It had been a long time since I thought of my wife in that way... .as a friend.  His observation also validated my perception that we had a good marriage/friendship until 2009 and the flood that drove us off our farm.

He mentioned that his first wife was never really his friend.  He checked out after 4-5 years and then putzed around another 10 before he divorced.

Well... .I did lots of thinking... .some sweet memories with the associated pain that comes from knowing those memories are in the distant past, with no indication they will come back. 

The reason I’ve stayed is that my wife and I used to have the best conversations.  And I’ve hoped upon hope to have another one.

I still remember my favorite conversation of all time with her.  Summer 2008.   Our farmhouse was close to the river, lots of nice shade trees.  We would slip away from the kids and sit by the river and just enjoy hanging out.  I usually talked her into being the one to lean against the tree so I could put my head in her lap and she would scratch and pet my head while we talked.

Anyway, the day of our best conversation ever started as a talk about how well kids were doing with chores, driving the tractor and stuff like that.  I remarked how happy the kids seemed when they earned their “tractor qual” and Daddy let them drive and do things without Daddy around.

My wife then remarked that she knew a big kid that was happy on the farm (me) and I got to relive my memories of operating a little skid steer during summers at my Dad’s farm.  Here is the thing... .I hadn’t told her that story in years... perhaps only once or twice ever.

It was a little dinky gas powered thing, likely the smallest skidder they made at the time, but it was the “biggest” thing they would turn me loose on and leave.  I was king of the farm... cleaning out hog pens.

It meant my wife had really listened the once or twice I told it.  She understood the power those moments had in my life and how I was passing those moments... in a deliberate fashion, onto our kids.

She got who I was and what I was about.  She was proud of me.  She liked what she saw enough to have a gazillion kids with me and let me fill them with my quite particular ways of raising kids on a farm.

But at the heart of it... we were friends that enjoyed each other's company.

I stay because I keep thinking I can figure out a way to get my friend back….

Sadly... .I now have the understanding that when my wife see’s what I’m offering now she instead focuses on her sister, a three time divorced adulteress, instead of a me, because I ask my kids how they “felt” after reading scripture (for example).

That’s a long way from 2008 by the river.

That makes me sad…

FF

[toomanydogs]

Hi FF
 This makes me sad, too. It's such a loss. My H and I used to all about everything. Mostly psych stuff--anxiety, depression--and somewhere along the way we stopped talking. When he hugs me, I can feel the disconnect. Makes me sad. I think I'm grieving what I thought I had.
  I'm sorry you are going through this. The day by the river sounds like such a wonderful memory. And then trying to recapture that day, that conversation. I agree it's sad. Your friend sounds comforting.
  I don't have a lot left to say--only that I think of you and your wife and always hope your staying will give you what you need.
TMD

[patientandclear]

Hi FF-- I get it.  My ex and I were also great friends.  I had so much respect for him.  We worked together for quite a while in a high-stakes high-stress field, and he was The Best at what he did, and I was sort of his boss, and was also good at what I did, and it was just so ... .wonderful ... .to work together.  I'd give a lot to go back there.  He was one of my favorite people.  Even after he broke my heart by pulling back from our r/s for reasons that, at the time, made no sense to me, we eventually got back to where we were friends in a way that, to me, felt rare and sweet and tender and important.

He ended up not treating it that way.  And that is what in the end has shut down all editions of our relationship -- he just didn't take very good care of it.  I think I know the reasons and the worst part is, my sense and understanding is that he really doesn't.  By all appearances he really mostly buys into the stories he tells himself about why his past relationships had to go as they did, and by this time, that doubtless includes ours.  It is a particular kind of ache to know that I am now most of the time the only surviving witness to all the sweetness that occurred between us over the years.  He aggressively forgets, most of the time.  Not completely (his positive memories of other past connections were never completely submerged, just most of the time).  But for all intents and purposes, that's a past that only I really believe in now.

Sad stuff.

[formflier]

P&C,

I often pick up on phrases from your posts.  The most ones with the most power are usually succinct.

"Aggressively forgets" is one I don't remember previously (if you have used it).

Today... .it seems "spot on" with how I view my wife.  She seems to spend so much energy "constructing" this wacky world she lives in.  It's no wonder she often seems "worn out"... yet will stay up all hours banging away on the keyboard about how if we just loved God more.

Hey... .no idea how long this thread goes or should go.

P&C and TMD... .I'm thankful for the thoughtfulness with which you peer into my words and see me... .you "get" me.  

I'm also very thankful for people like my friend yesterday.  He's one of the "in the know" guys... .that I've told everything.  He has done the same for me.  In fact... when some issues came up with his kids for first marriage... he called me up a while back saying "I think we need to go see someone... .how does that work?"  He and his current wife and children from first marriage now seem to have a great relationship with a therapist.

He has certainly called me up before... out of the blue and said ":)ude... I think you are "effing" this up... .what are you doing... ?" and either he gets the explanation and goes "oh right... of course... .move along... " or I go "thanks dude... " and something changes.

I've been in a plane with him (two pilots in the front... me and him, three flight officers in back) with the plane on fire... .guys hollering... .trying to use pitifully small fire extinguishers to put it out.  We got the plane on deck and thought we were heroes... .until the accident team figured out the reason the fire went out was that when it burned through the skin of the airplane... .the force of the wind going by "sucked it out" (I'm not an engineer... but you get the point).

One of many... .":)ude... we're still alive... " moments.  

Anyway... .my point is I had expected him to say he thought I was depressed... or delusional... or "get out now"... .etc etc.  He wasn't answering the question "if I was happy with my marriage" (which I'm not)... .he was speaking of me as a total person.  I can get so focused on my marriage that I get "tunnel vision", yet at the same time I'm making great gains or being "happier" with these other parts of my life.

He followed up by saying that happier equals "better"... .more mature... etc etc in addition to the standard meaning of "happy".

I'm still processing his observations and trying to see if that in any way influences decisions I make... going forward... .with my marriage.

So... after reading what I said... .and knowing that my wife "aggressively forgets" (seemingly anything good) about our past... . Then what?  

FF

[sweetheart]

   
The 'then what' bit is where I believe the tools take us if we choose to use them consistently. What brings us here is usually them in full on dysregulation and us emotionally in free fall.
My 'then what' is I just don't know, because the man who was my h, my lover, my best friend has gone and in his place is someone fundamentally very different. The essence of my h is still there, but... .

I don't have any answers ff,  'then what' to me is definitely the fork in the road, the words for what the conflict sounds like as we process what we want moving forward. And how that moving forward for me certainly will not look anything like I expected it to look.

[Lucky Jim]

I stay because I keep thinking I can figure out a way to get my friend back….

Hey FF, I suspect that many of us stay for the same reason.  I sure did.  I thought that I could crack the BPD Code and, like you, get my friend back, but it didn't play out that way.  I kept waiting for an upswing that never occurred.  For me, it proved to be a mirage -- something unattainable.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, yet BPD proved too much for me. 

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

Those of us who are going through this with a loved one have a bittersweet bond, even though we'll never meet IRL. It's hard to let go of those lovely memories before we knew the extent of the mental illness we would one day be dealing with.

Learning the tools helps us navigate through the rocks and shoals, but at the same time, we feel the aloneness more acutely.

I recently sensed a desire to start sharing my feelings more openly with my husband. For a long time, I've been using the tools to manage his disruptions, minor as they usually are. Prior to learning the tools, my responses typically had the effect of pouring gasoline on his fire and I got to experience a far greater degree of insanity.

But the other day I felt the need and desire to be more authentically "me". We had been having smooth sailing for quite a while and he had left for a few hours to do some errands. When he returned, he was putting some groceries away and I started talking to him. He totally ignored me and walked out the door.

I followed him outside and told him that my feelings were hurt and I was trying to talk with him, but it felt like I was talking to a post. (I knew that I was poking the bear, but I felt like I needed to say what I was saying.) I continued on, saying how much I enjoy talking to him and hearing what he has to say.

And you all know how it likely went from there: "You hate me," "Nothing I do is ever good enough," "You just want me out of your life," etc.

I persisted and ultimately I think he finally understood that I actually do care about him and really enjoy his presence in my life (when he's being pleasant--but of course I didn't say that part). But before it resolved, it went to the "My feelings aren't important, just yours... ." place.

What strikes me as so peculiar to this disorder is how quickly they can go to black and white, all or nothing thinking.

In the process of sharing my feelings, I did shed a few tears, which is very unusual for me, perhaps happens once every few years, so I think he realized how this was really meaningful to me. I do find that I put my own feelings on the back burner just to attend to his and I really don't like being treated like a piece of furniture.

[flourdust]

Hey FF, I suspect that many of us stay for the same reason.  I sure did.  I thought that I could crack the BPD Code and, like you, get my friend back, but it didn't play out that way.  I kept waiting for an upswing that never occurred.  For me, it proved to be a mirage -- something unattainable.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, yet BPD proved too much for me. 

Same here. FF, I really appreciate your post -- it's an important step toward reflecting on how you got here, who you are, where you want to go.

For me, the magic date was 2007. That's when the downward slide began. For years, I thought that if I could reverse the events of the slide, I could get us back to 2007. It became a checklist -- get job, move to better house, move to better city, solve health problem. Even after accomplishing many of those, the downward slide continued. I think that's when I realized that it wasn't something I could fix with external changes.

[formflier]

Cat Familiar,

Good post... thanks. 

The part about "I persisted" really struck me.  I've been doing an enormous amount of writing this morning, journaling, writing a letter to FFw... .etc etc.

The general them of the writing is "prevailing upon" someone with an idea or thought.  This notion came from the sermon this past Sunday morning.

Paul had an opportunity to go free, but instead stuck around to "prevail upon" his persecutors the message of Jesus.

Likely will make more sense when I post about it later.

FF

[formflier]

Flour Dust,

Can you share what happened in 2007?

Free offer to hijack my thread... .I'm a willing captor!   

FF

[sweetheart]

I wonder if we all have that significant date, mine was 2013.

[flourdust]

Can you share what happened in 2007?

When 2007 started, life was great for us. We had been together about six years, married for half that time. We had a healthy toddler, a house we liked in a neighborhood we liked, and we both were successful in jobs we enjoyed. Financially, we were doing well and could even afford a nice vacation.

By the end of 2007, leadership in my job turned over, and my position was suddenly in jeopardy. Over the next few years, I was laid off, the Great Recession hit, the toddler became a child with emotional-behavioral struggles, I took a job out of state, my wife had to give up her job for the move, we lost a ton of money selling our house during the crash, and so it went. The BPD symptoms went from rare occurrences to common ones.

For a long while, I figured I could get us back to 2007 if I just fixed everything that had gone wrong -- get us back to the state we had left, get a house, get us both good jobs, get the right therapy for the kid, and so on. Most of that even happened, but it didn't put the BPD genie back in the bottle.

[formflier]

I wonder if we all have that significant date, mine was 2013.

Sweetheart,

Please share... .I'll leave it to you and the other Hijacker (FD) to "compete".   .


Nothing long... just brief description of the turning point.

For clarity on mine. 

We thought we had successfully beaten the flood, even though the water was still rising... just a bit.  Think 20,000 sandbags (no exaggeration) around my house, which was an island at this point.  Family was safe at another location.  Me and several Navy comrades were taking turns "on the watch" to make sure pumps working and all that.

Water pressure blew out a plumbing fixture/line in our concrete slab.  We "lost the war" from the inside.

We lived elsewhere for about 6 months while trying to rebuild.  It was physically and mentally exhausting.  I have so much empathy for those in Houston... .

These events took a simmering PTSD issue (with me) into full bloom.  I didn't realize at the time.  I was formally diagnosed in 2012. 

Essentially I kept noticing patterns in myself, I knew it was different and bad, I knew it resisted my "normal" attempts to self-regulate... .so I went to my family physician for a talk.  He sent my to a psychiatrist... .and I started my journey, largely successful, to manage PTSD.

Paranoia came into full bloom for my wife.  I did exactly the wrong thing for a long time... I invalidated the crap out of her for years.  Lied my a$$ off as well.

Lies in the sense of "I don't know anything about that... " when trying to avoid a conversation, instead of saying the truth "I'm not comfortable discussing this with you now".  So... thereby validating this notion that FF is a liar and "hides things".

Bad... .bad dynamic.  I feel responsible... because in many ways I am.

Said another way.  My wife went one way, to the extreme with mental illness, I went the other.  I believe I've returned to "that river bank" and... .sadly... .I don't think she is coming back.

Of course I can write pages of details to add... .but I think everyone gets the gist.

FF

[formflier]

Thanks FD.

I see a theme developing.  I like the analogy of "trying to put the genie back in the bottle".

Said another way, I think both of us went through very stressful things, made some mistakes but remained "pliable" and eventually returned to "normal"

Our BPD partners drifted off to a point of distortion and got "stuck" there.  Believing that to be normal and we are the "odd ones".

Thoughts?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FF, Don't beat yourself up!  I suspect that most of us in a BPD r/s have avoided or deflected conversations with our BPD SO in an effort to keep the peace and prevent a firestorm.  It doesn't mean that FF is a liar.  Sure, you're partly responsible for the negative dynamic, but you also had a lot of help from your W getting to that point.  Those w/BPD don't foster open communications, in my view, because of their extreme and sometimes violent reactions.

LJ

[formflier]

Yep... .I get it.  I used to beat myself up with it.  Now I am "honest" about it and I can validate and understand... .in a certain context... .how my actions influenced it.

Basically... that I was part of the dynamic and have learned a different skill. 

FF

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I find the timing on this topic really interesting in that I was thinking about this the other day.

My guess is I "just" didn't see his toxic behavior for years until it got really bad. It's like a leaky faucet that drips into a bucket over time. You don't really notice it until it starts to overflow. That and I had been conditioned from my childhood to accept abuse as normal.

Looking back, I can now see that the red flags first went off for me around five years into our relationship (2002).  Eight years into the relationship (2005) was when it got really rocky. It's a long story but we almost divorced then. When I discovered I was pregnant with our first child, I stayed determined to make it work for the sake of our child. His behavior only got worse. I emotionally shut down. I was in survival mode.

Fast forward to present day, another 10 years later (2015). I reached a point to where I couldn't live with him anymore. I had finally "woken" up. I had been diagnosed with PTSD from being in abusive relationships my whole life and realized I was co-dependent. It felt like the fog I was in had finally started to lift. I finally saw just how bad it really was. We went to counseling to try to make things work. I stopped managing his emotions. His behavior only got worse. He seemed determined that the decline in our marriage was 100% my fault and that he was going to "fix" me instead of looking at his part in it all. He ended up re-traumatizing me which was the final straw for me. It's a long story but I knew I had to get out.

At times I ask myself why I stayed for as long as I did. I think part of me was in denial that things were as bad as they were. I was also in survival mode from the PTSD. I had emotionally shut down years ago and had given up. I was coasting. I was miserable but I kept hoping things would get better "if I would just do x". If I could just do everything he asked for, he'd be happy and then I'd be happy. I was so wrong. Happiness comes from ourselves. By the time I woke up and realized this, it was far too late. Too much damage had already been done.

[Cat Familiar]

I like the leaky faucet analogy. I also think of the frog in boiling water. It's  heating up so gradually, the frog doesn't notice the water is becoming to hot to survive.

And these relationships are so easy to find ourselves in, particularly when they mimic relationships we've experienced in our childhood.

There were a lot of red flags at the beginning of my marriage. I attributed a lot of the behavior to stress of him moving to a new area to be with me, starting a new job, and having exited a previous relationship with a woman who was clearly mentally unstable. I made a lot of excuses for him.

We had some stressful times too. We did a significant remodel of my house, making it much larger so the two of us could live together. Then the real estate market crashed before I could sell another house. And our contractor not only didn't complete what he had promised to do on his timeline, he bilked us out of a significant sum of money.

Oddly enough, my husband's BPD seemed to spiral out of control when times were good. He had retired from his job as an attorney, which he hated. He had inherited a very large amount of money. Our building project was complete. I thought we'd have a nice unstressful period of time, but then the BPD came to the surface. This was about 2011.

[formflier]

 
We married in 1994.  BPDish stuff showed in 2009.  Yes there were military deployments, but there were also years together with very limited travel (shore duty). 

Yes, now that I know, I can look back and "find" things I can say... "there is a red flag"... but they were so far apart.  Sure... disagreements... .blowouts even.  Hard to explain... but they were rarely personal... or nasty. 

The BPD stuff was "nasty and personal" when the attacks came.  I had never experienced that before.

From what I know of her... and where she "ranks" in her foo.  She is "the most functional"...   Even now.

Only college grad. 

We met in college.  We "clicked".  Long conversations... .yep... awesome.  Long periods together in complete silence... yep... check... all good.  Conversations that lasted for days, as in talk 10 minutes over breakfast... .5 more over dinner... 30 minutes on a walk the next day.  Seamless.

And not in a sense that we always agreed with each other. 

Very frustrating to see if fade away.

FF

[flourdust]

Said another way, I think both of us went through very stressful things, made some mistakes but remained "pliable" and eventually returned to "normal"

Our BPD partners drifted off to a point of distortion and got "stuck" there.  Believing that to be normal and we are the "odd ones".

Stress seems to be one of the BPD triggers. Stress affects everyone, of course. But pwBPD handle a lot of normal problems abnormally. I know that I was not at my best when dealing with losing my job, selling my house for a loss, etc. I used to tell myself, when I'd be full of anger and frustration at my wife, that I shouldn't make any decisions based on how we were at our worst. I believed that we'd get back to a baseline when the external pressures relented.

For me, that mostly was true. Yes, I carry scars from the tough years, but I came back to a mostly healthy, balanced place. If mental resilience is like a rubber band, then I snapped back once the stressors let go. A little stretched out, sure, but still functional. My wife's rubber band had no resilience and never snapped back.

[Red5]

formflier,

You wrote, "He chuckled and said I had more patience than anyone he knows"... .

This struck a nerve in me, .I have come back in contact with old friends I had not seen in 10-15, even 20 + years, Men I had served with in the Marine Corps many years ago, .and they asked how are things, I responded, well, .we did not make it, .we got a divorce, .and I heard the exact same thing from them... .that I had more patience than anyone they knew.

Then they would explain further, .something along the lines of, "man you really hung in there, what you were putting up with, it would have driven any of the rest of us away", .

A few weeks ago, I went back home for a Great Uncles funeral, and my Aunt and I stayed up until midnight catching up, .and she said about the same thing to me, and then I told her of my troubles in my now second marriage, .and my Aunt then looked me straight in the eye and said something along these lines... ."Timothy when you are living it, surrounded by it, .you will not see for yourself how bad things really are, but to anyone on the outside, they will look at you and think, how I the world do you deal with such nonsense, and calamity in your life"... .

This still haunts me, .what my Aunt said to me, .and not the first time I have heard it from an outsider to my r/s, .either past or the current one (marriage).

[Cat Familiar]

After I left my first husband, friends also gave me their honest insight on that marriage.

I had gone to therapy after the marriage was over, so that I hopefully wouldn't repeat some of the same patterns (and of course I married yet another pwBPD, but not nearly one so unpleasant... .but that's another story). The therapy helped me get past the ideas that my ex had convinced me of: that I was weak, incompetent, dependent upon him, etc.

My friends had quite a different opinion. They told me that they thought I was the competent one in the relationship and that all the success of our business was pretty much solely due to me. (I was able to accept this only because of having been "deprogrammed" from all his brainwashing over the years--because of a wonderful therapist.)

Listening to their honest, unfiltered opinions about my ex further clarified things in my mind. Suddenly all his accusations about me appeared to be projections of his own inadequacy and incompetence.

[formflier]

Meeting with my P here in about 40 min or so. 

I talked this letter and the situation through with her last week and general consensus was to find private time and give the letter... share feelings. 

Let things land where they land.

My in Initial thought was to do it yesterday afternoon... .but... .life with 8 kids happened and no chance.

My Ps input is that this is a private matter, so find relaxed time for just the two of you... .no interruptions... .and then give the letter.  I've got it in a nice card.

Some small edits... .all references to sister are out.  P's point was this is about my feelings about my friendship, of which my wife is the other part.

My travel schedule has been weird lately with care for my Dad... .so "unhurried" private time is at a premium.

We'll see.

FF

[AskingWhy]

formflier, I think "aggressively forgets" is a great way to describe the phenomenon of splitting.

I think you are a person who is very committed to the concept of married, and I suspect that you still love your wife deeply.  You are to be commended for this.

My uBPD/uNPD husband splits whenever he feels threatened or encounters an opposition to what he wants.  H left home young to join the military and then married his high school sweetheart.  Several years into the marriage, his then-wife took up with an old flame.  The lover was also married.  In this way, two marriages were broken up as they divorced their respective spouses to marry each other.  The EX took the children across the country.

When H has his rages he cannot see anything that came before in our marriage, such as the things that drew us together.  Like textbook BPDs, he loves me or he hates me, and there is no middle ground.  Disagreements always (yes, always) end in divorce threats if I don't capitulate. 

The children from his first marriage are all grown, but he obsessed with his two youngest daughters.  He was always lax in parenting them and he gave in to their whims.  They are almost always on his mind, and they call and text each other every day. 

pwBPD have trouble with interpersonal boundaries and he treats these young women like confidantes than daughters.  I discovered he was talking to them behind my back about how unhappy he is in our marriage.  This type of disclosure to children is inappropriate.

Why do I stay, too?  Commitment?  I now have the perspective to see H is a seriously unhappy and conflicted man (thanks to his parents) and "transparent uBPD."  He is very functional at work where he had tons of large responsibilities. 

At home, he is pouting, demanding child in a man's body.  He is verbally abusive, spending more money on his children's gifts than his wife.  (They love having a sugar daddy--literally--whom they can pit against me.)  It needs to be kept in mind that pwBPD triangulate.  His children will always validate his thoughts about what a bad person I am and this further convinces him that I am the wrong party.

At least I now have the emotional tools to deal with H when he is splitting.  As they say, not everyone chooses to bail or bug out. 

I agree Flourdust that stress is a BPD trigger.   

You're a brave and caring person, FF.  You are also very objective in your analysis, and it's clear you love your wife.  Be gentle with yourself and your PTSD.