New and Learning

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,
I don't know if I am going about this introduction the correct way.  I have only recently learned about this community. 
I am here as a parent seeking support.  I have a young adult (child) that I believe has BPD. He was diagnosed with a chronic illness so most of our focus has been on medical for his preteen/teen years. He was diagnosed with OCD during this time also. Through his childhood we have seeked mental health help, but it was always very surface type stuff. They would see him a few visits and say he is fine. Our most recent mental health attempt before he was 18 was done through a pediatric office and it was just not a good fit for him (told him to count to 10 when he felt angry).  All of these attempts happen before things were as severe as they are now.  He is now convinced noone can help him. They all have an agenda, etc
His behavior now is VERY verbally abusive and then apologizing, but within 3 minutes back to being angry and blaming everything on us. Will then have a day or two of being very helpful and caring. Always thinking of family members when out (brings us gifts).  He is obsessive about his medical issues.  Wants everything done NOW. He engages in destructive activities. Keeps undesirable friends. We have two other children and he does not keep a close relationship with either of them. Although he is not mean or show anger with them (has with one in the past). I could go on and on.  We have been living the past 2 years just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Constantly. I can't remember feeling relaxed or not worried in the past 2 years. Our house totally revolves around him.  I am now very depressed myself and it is so agonizing to sit here and watch my child hurt so bad and feel so helpless. 
I don't know what else I should include.  I am reading through information, but it is overwhelming. Taking baby steps
Thank you

[Rose33]

Hello,
I don't know if I am going about this introduction the correct way.  I have only recently learned about this community. 
I am here as a parent seeking support.  I have a young adult (child) that I believe has BPD. He was diagnosed with a chronic illness so most of our focus has been on medical for his preteen/teen years. He was diagnosed with OCD during this time also. Through his childhood we have seeked mental health help, but it was always very surface type stuff. They would see him a few visits and say he is fine. Our most recent mental health attempt before he was 18 was done through a pediatric office and it was just not a good fit for him (told him to count to 10 when he felt angry).  All of these attempts happen before things were as severe as they are now.  He is now convinced noone can help him. They all have an agenda, etc
His behavior now is VERY verbally abusive and then apologizing, but within 3 minutes back to being angry and blaming everything on us. Will then have a day or two of being very helpful and caring. Always thinking of family members when out (brings us gifts).  He is obsessive about his medical issues.  Wants everything done NOW. He engages in destructive activities. Keeps undesirable friends. We have two other children and he does not keep a close relationship with either of them. Although he is not mean or show anger with them (has with one in the past). I could go on and on.  We have been living the past 2 years just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Constantly. I can't remember feeling relaxed or not worried in the past 2 years. Our house totally revolves around him.  I am now very depressed myself and it is so agonizing to sit here and watch my child hurt so bad and feel so helpless. 
I don't know what else I should include.  I am reading through information, but it is overwhelming. Taking baby steps
Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Rose33 and welcome to bpdfamily   

Many thanks for your introduction, I'm sorry what you brings you here and what you are dealing with, I'm glad you've found us.

Many members here are dealing with similar situations, you've come to the right place for support and advice, you are not alone Rose33. 

It helps taking gentle baby steps as you say, take your time - day by day, this is no marathon. The tools and lessons to the right help us understand, change how we communicate with our child to improve the relationship.

While your son's been through mental health assessments, you believe he is presenting BPD, would he be willing to have an assessment, he sounds very aware of his behaviour from what you say though convinced no one can help him, perhaps that's because he's not received a true diagnosis? My 28DD was relieved to receive her diagnosis, it answered all her questions, she felt understood and provided her a route through treatment to help herself. Not all people accept or want a diagnosis.

Rose one thing we parents do is to practice self care, dealing with a child with BPD is exhausting and takes it's toll on us, it's common to suffer from depression and I'm sorry you are it's important we look after ourselves first. Have you visited your Dr? Do you have family/friends you can talk to? A course of counselling sessions with someone who understands BPD to help work through what we are dealing with helps.

Glad to meet you Rose and look forward to your posts 

WDx

[Rose33]

Thanks for the welcome WD 

I am taking a little bit of time each day to read and learn.  It all seems to make sense now and is coming together as far as understanding. I realized I don't think I am actually depressed.  I am sad, very sad.  Seeing your child hurt is one of the worse things in the world.  With both his physical/medical condition and his battle with mental illness.  He actually said it himself today, I just hurt all the time either physically or mentally. He is actually very aware and intune with his behavior (most of the time). After an "episode" he with beable to talk about it sometimes.  I think he would be willing to have an assesment if it was presented in the right way (if that makes sense, he has backed out at the last minute before).  I think because he hasn't felt other sessions (mainly for OCD) have helped that nothing will.  It has been a few years since one though. I am hoping to research and find a place in our area familiar with BPD.  Another reason he does not feel confident in getting help is because he has received very little help, comfort or understanding from the medical world about his physical issues.  It is a rare condition with no cure, so I think the doctors don't know what to do, so they push him off. His doctor said my sons condition overwhelms him.  If he is overwhelmed then he should understand why my son would be overwhelmed  They have even said it is all due to anxiety (and kind of put a stigma on mental illness) even though the physical problem is documentd with MRI.  He has a lot of reason to have anxiety at 19 with no clear idea of his physical future.  Okay, I am rambling on too much about his medical condition and not focusing on the BPD, but It is such a big part of who he is.
Where do I begin to find a center/practice that is knowledgeable in  our area?  Maybe it is someplace here and I will continue looking.
I really appreicate you taking the time to respond.

Thanks,
Rose33

[wendydarling]

Hi Rose33

I'm sorry your son's dealing with so much the rare physical condition with no clear idea of his physical future and little help, comfort or understanding as you say from the professionals is a very hard place to be.

My experience with my 28DD and DBT therapy is the person is in control of their recovery/management, it's up to them, they have to be prepared to take the responsibility and put in the effort and it's a lotalota of effort.  My DD's DBT team (via UK NHS) are highly trained and competent, neither of us could ask for a better team. DD's felt understood by the professionals and by those in the group sessions she attends, they are not alone. Your son may benefit greatly from not feeling alone as he has with his rare physical condition and it may give him hope he can help himself if he choses?  This is a site my DD tweets when they issue new BPD blogs etc https://themighty.com/ I've found it very useful myself.

You say if presented in the right way your son may agree to an assessment, there are tools to the right  here to help us 'present' clearly communicate with our children SET and DEARMAN (found under tool 'adopt a problem solving model' are two such tools. There are workshops with more details and examples on each of these in the Learning Centre too when you've got time.

It hurts so seeing our children in pain, we understand your sadness - they did not ask for this.

I'm assuming you are in the USA, I think there maybe direction from NAMI here
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2015/How-You-Can-Get-the-Right-Mental-Health-Treatment# - depending on where you are members may have experience of local resources, guess you are thinking of outpatients... .

WDx

[Rose33]

 HI 
Thank you for the guidance in the right direction with the links and information you provided. 
Yes, it will have to be his decison and his choice to seek help.  He has actually asked in the past and I was not prepared to know where to guide him or where to tell him to look. There are the general places (which we have tried) but none have been of much help. He has had two people ( outside of the family) report him (for lack of a better word) for being a danger to himself. Both times he brushed it off and made excuses and nothing further happen. He can seem so rational one day and then so angry and lost the next.  Through this resource i hope to help myself (in just days I am having such a better understanding) so I can be stronger for hm when he is ready to seek help.

Thanks Again

[wendydarling]

Hi Rose33

Good luck with your search, let us know how you get on, also a local therapist may be able to point you in the right direction. It's great your son talks to you though painful for you to hear the pain he suffers, the tool listening with empathy helps them feel they are understood. Often referred to as the love skill    there's a short video here, https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy It's one of my favourite tools.

WDx

[Rose33]

Thank you for that helpful link.  Yes, something I am trying to do more of.  He blames me for a lot  and I have stopped jumping to defend myself and just letting him express his thoughts, anger in a calm way (which I was not always doing).  Unfortunately, I see a lot of his yelling and verbal lashing out directed at his girlfriend now.  I am not sure if I stay out of this, try to give her guidance? Such a hard position to be in.  He has also received more bad health news, which has skyrocketed his anxiety. I want to give him an option for therapy, but don't know where to even guide him or offer him.
Still overwhelmed and it's like watching him dangle from a cliff and I am trying to hold him up by a thread. 

Thanks for reading.