Surviving a breakup when kids are involved

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am struggling to survive the breakup up a 17 year relationship with a friend then romantic partner for 14 or the 17 years.  The extreme way that I was discarded left me feeling near suicidal and brought up serious issues around my abusive childhood and family of origin addiction issues.  I thought I had grown past a lot of that.  I did lots of therapy back in the day and actually met this person in group therapy.  In my desperate attempt to find any insight as to how and why I put up with so much infidelity and lies the last few years I scoured the internet and podcast world trying to match words from the old journals and letters and emails with this person.  When I heard someone talk about BPD it all made sense.  And the extreme narcissistic abuse I suffered also.  In the last 7-8 years there were many emails of me explaining behaviors and experiences that now all added up to every one of the criteria in the DSM on BPD.  And in her responses and manipulations of me I could see how and why and how far I had slipped.
 
But there was a bigger driving force. I ignored all my pain and tried to keep my eyes on the prize.  I am 55 and she now 61.   So she has grand-kids that she has custody of because her daughter is a poorly functioning alcoholic that has very infrequent supervised visits with.  There is a 7 yr old boy, and a 9 yr old girl with a different and present father.  But most importantly There is a 12 year old girl about to turn 13 in a few weeks.  She also was abandoned by her father, other grandmother, both grandfathers and an uncle.  I was her guy.  I raised two daughters by myself, and it was an all womens group I met my partner in.  I knew what I was doing as I became the only male role model she ever had.  She hated calling me anything specific because I filled all male roles for her.  Which I did but I considered and loved her as my own granddaughter. 

We were never married or lived officially together although I am on the road a few days and spent 4-5 days a week with them.  As my partner was playing the field and trying to set up an exit plan from what we had, the child must have sensed it because we grew even closer.  So after 1 1/2 years and me begging her to talk with a professional for resolve or a move on that would not hurt the kids.  Well she asked me for a little space so I pulled back one week and 5 days later I invited her to join me to see a movie and walk next door to have a drink where we first kissed.  She said she was busy and I asked her to let me know if she changed her mind. When I came out of the movie and saw her car I was excited to walk in to the bar and expect her sitting there waiting for me.  She was.  Just with her new boyfriend I found out later she had been with for months behind my back.  I knew the guy as it was a friend of her best girlfriends husband.  I did not even get closer than 20 feet and she jumped up and accused me of following her and being a stalker.  She screamed and accused me of following her for weeks and attempting to assault her.  Obviously I had to leave.  I did not even say anything.  Then an hour later I went to her house. The kids were visiting there mother that afternoon which is why I though she would be free for a movie.  Well I did not want to let myself in and texted, called, knocked and rang the bell.  Less than two minutes I was walking back out the driveway when the police met me.  They came in hot and heavy and ready for action.  Thank god there was a sane female officer on the scene.  I am a larger athletic looking blue collar guy and these officers were ready to throw down.  And the reason is what she called in was 10 times crazier than I could have ever made up.  Including her saying she barely knows me and only ran into me a few times in a bar and I have tried to break in and tried to assault her, and have been stalking her for quite some time.

I handed my cell phone to the sane female officer and guided her through 17 years of pictures and relationship so she made the call to let me go. 

But now it has been months and some texts and some emails to her and a few to what basically is my step granddaughter and no response from either.  I want to keep reaching out or just stop by unannounced but I am terrified I will fulfill the legacy she wants me to do.  She I think knew the precious child was getting wise to her antics and naturally gravitating toward the person she trusted and was more emotionally close to.  And I think that is why she set me up the way she did.

But now I feel so desperate and powerless.  I just want to see Quella  Bella bambina to make sure she is ok.  But no one is contacting me back.  I assume there is a block on the childs phone.  I did show back up at the house a month ago and could not get in.  My ex's car was there, lights on, but she did not answer so I had to leave before she called the police again. 

Its killing me.  I either cant eat or eat too much.  I cant sleep and am any given day struggling to keep focus and function.  All I want is to she that child for 10 minutes.  It is insane.  I am working with a therapist on my family of origin past but this still is just killing me. 

[tdugans]

I am struggling to survive the breakup up a 17 year relationship with a friend then romantic partner for 14 or the 17 years.  The extreme way that I was discarded left me feeling near suicidal and brought up serious issues around my abusive childhood and family of origin addiction issues.  I thought I had grown past a lot of that.  I did lots of therapy back in the day and actually met this person in group therapy.  In my desperate attempt to find any insight as to how and why I put up with so much infidelity and lies the last few years I scoured the internet and podcast world trying to match words from the old journals and letters and emails with this person.  When I heard someone talk about BPD it all made sense.  And the extreme narcissistic abuse I suffered also.  In the last 7-8 years there were many emails of me explaining behaviors and experiences that now all added up to every one of the criteria in the DSM on BPD.  And in her responses and manipulations of me I could see how and why and how far I had slipped.
 
But there was a bigger driving force. I ignored all my pain and tried to keep my eyes on the prize.  I am 55 and she now 61.   So she has grand-kids that she has custody of because her daughter is a poorly functioning alcoholic that has very infrequent supervised visits with.  There is a 7 yr old boy, and a 9 yr old girl with a different and present father.  But most importantly There is a 12 year old girl about to turn 13 in a few weeks.  She also was abandoned by her father, other grandmother, both grandfathers and an uncle.  I was her guy.  I raised two daughters by myself, and it was an all womens group I met my partner in.  I knew what I was doing as I became the only male role model she ever had.  She hated calling me anything specific because I filled all male roles for her.  Which I did but I considered and loved her as my own granddaughter. 

We were never married or lived officially together although I am on the road a few days and spent 4-5 days a week with them.  As my partner was playing the field and trying to set up an exit plan from what we had, the child must have sensed it because we grew even closer.  So after 1 1/2 years and me begging her to talk with a professional for resolve or a move on that would not hurt the kids.  Well she asked me for a little space so I pulled back one week and 5 days later I invited her to join me to see a movie and walk next door to have a drink where we first kissed.  She said she was busy and I asked her to let me know if she changed her mind. When I came out of the movie and saw her car I was excited to walk in to the bar and expect her sitting there waiting for me.  She was.  Just with her new boyfriend I found out later she had been with for months behind my back.  I knew the guy as it was a friend of her best girlfriends husband.  I did not even get closer than 20 feet and she jumped up and accused me of following her and being a stalker.  She screamed and accused me of following her for weeks and attempting to assault her.  Obviously I had to leave.  I did not even say anything.  Then an hour later I went to her house. The kids were visiting there mother that afternoon which is why I though she would be free for a movie.  Well I did not want to let myself in and texted, called, knocked and rang the bell.  Less than two minutes I was walking back out the driveway when the police met me.  They came in hot and heavy and ready for action.  Thank god there was a sane female officer on the scene.  I am a larger athletic looking blue collar guy and these officers were ready to throw down.  And the reason is what she called in was 10 times crazier than I could have ever made up.  Including her saying she barely knows me and only ran into me a few times in a bar and I have tried to break in and tried to assault her, and have been stalking her for quite some time.

I handed my cell phone to the sane female officer and guided her through 17 years of pictures and relationship so she made the call to let me go. 

But now it has been months and some texts and some emails to her and a few to what basically is my step granddaughter and no response from either.  I want to keep reaching out or just stop by unannounced but I am terrified I will fulfill the legacy she wants me to do.  She I think knew the precious child was getting wise to her antics and naturally gravitating toward the person she trusted and was more emotionally close to.  And I think that is why she set me up the way she did.

But now I feel so desperate and powerless.  I just want to see Quella  Bella bambina to make sure she is ok.  But no one is contacting me back.  I assume there is a block on the childs phone.  I did show back up at the house a month ago and could not get in.  My ex's car was there, lights on, but she did not answer so I had to leave before she called the police again. 

Its killing me.  I either cant eat or eat too much.  I cant sleep and am any given day struggling to keep focus and function.  All I want is to she that child for 10 minutes.  It is insane.  I am working with a therapist on my family of origin past but this still is just killing me. 

[ForeverDad]

She has already called the police on you and made serious allegations as though she was a victim of stalking or harassment by a virtual stranger.  You are fortunate to have avoided a stay in jail.  That said, you are still in danger.  How so?

First, she will have learned from that failed allegation.  It's quite possible that next time (and yes odds are there will be a next time) she will make wild allegations as before but this time she will make sure they're the sort you can't quickly invalidate.

Second, your return to her home and attempts to her her granddaughter can leave you wide open to claims of unwanted contact, perhaps even harassment.  One of the many realizations many newcomers here discovered is that our Nice Guy and Nice Gal inclinations expose us to underhanded and even purposeful retaliations.  You have good motives wanting to see her granddaughter, even if only to say goodbye of sorts, but your gender exposes you to the risks of abuser/molester allegations.  You ex's claims of poor adult behaviors with her failed, at that time.  But she may switch and make claims of a bad relationship with her GD.  Literally anything can be alleged by a person with BPD (pwBPD), they have been knows to use any weapon at hand (talking about allegations) to get what they want, to punish, to threaten.

No one here knows precisely what your ex will do.  She may calm down, she may not.  A truism commented on here is that once police have been threatened or called and if you remain an available target within range then it will happen sooner or later in a future encounter or rage.  She may calm down, she may not.  Clearly, you are a past relationship in her eyes and pwBPD generally view past relationships as abusive ones.  That's the Denial and Blaming of the disorder, they cannot or do not see their part in the problems and hence Shift the Blame onto others.  Yes, that risk of becoming her blamed patsy can include you.

So for now at least, keep your distance.  While this may blow over, it could also be a powder keg primed to go off the next time she gets triggered.  Solid advice is not to be alone with her any more.  Nor go to her house alone, that's her home turf and she's already shown what she is willing to do.

[Circle]

Welcome to bpdfamily.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.
I lost the young ones I was closest to also.
It's, from what I've noticed a somewhat unique position here.
Many people are struggling with the loss of their partners.
Or their birth children with BPD.

It's the same as any other loss.
It leaves a big, unexplainable sinkhole in it's wake.

I agree with ForeverDad. You need to stop your attempted visits.
You need to begin to accept your loss and start your grieving.
Anything else is a potential risk of life and limb, so to speak.

Things that have helped me:
Antidepressants
Therapy
Fresh air
Reading Eckhart Tolle
Posting/reading on bpdfamily.
Making new friends/beginning new relationships.
The Walking Dead; it's all about SURVIVAL.
Doing nothing to provoke the X.

Today, I was near my X-family's home.
I had the impulse to attempt contact.
I decided to make the wise choice.
I went the other way and didn't stop by.
It made me feel good to make the right choice.
You can make it through this loss.
You are still on solid ground.
Be thankful for that.
Consider those who weren't so lucky.

Keep posting.
 

[ForeverDad]

More specifically about your ex's granddaughter, you legally may have no claim to parenting and other contact since she is not your granddaughter.  Yes, that's tough but probably how it is.  Experienced local family law attorneys can give more specific advice.  Perhaps if it goes to court your years being in her life may enable some level of contact by a judge.  We just don't know.  Or perhaps your lawyer may be able to suggest other ways of contact that may not trigger an overreaction by ex but the point is to be cautious.  Or maybe the lawyer can use your years of close contact in a family relationship to give you some level of standing.  From where we are in remote and anonymous peer support we don't know what's possible.  What we do know is that your natural emotional feelings could lead you to sabotage yourself legally.  You avoided being carted away once, the next time... .

[Circle]

And, meddling more with the situation, could lead you to getting more false accusations made.

She has already made false accusations.

What would stop her from doing that again, more extremely?

[tdugans]

I am so happy to have found this message board for support.  I am in tears of gratitude as I can not be more appreciative to all who responded.  Every piece of feedback was every bit of what I needed to hear.  Hard as it is, having supportive feedback like that makes me hopeful I will find my way out of this.  I need to hear the truth.  My wiring is one of the hero archetype.  Wait, I mean codependent     But my heart is so heavy.  I have no idea how all those other people walked away from that beautiful child.  I want to move heaven and earth to be in her life.   I wonder if my ex is why no one sticks around.  They go through social workers like crazy also.  That is probably why she took it to extremes and made up the scenario she did.  She new I told Belle I would never quit on her.  And she knows I meant it.  Wow.  What a horrible disorder. It is going to take awhile and plenty of support for it all to sink in.  I love and want nothing but the best for her. I miss that kid and she begged me last time I saw her to never leave her, and was crying and then exhaled so much when I told her she is my family and always will be.  The comfort she found in that to having to live with what ever lies are being told to justify what is going on is so much for a girl that age to have to sort through and deal with.  My heart breaks for her struggle.  And I miss her face, and all those wonderfully magical expressions kids make at that age as they try to figure things out.  How is she supposed to figure this out if I could not see it coming.  Well, sorry.  Thanks again for the wonderful feedback. 

[Panda39]

Hi tdugans,

I'm sorry you've been separated from your grandchildren, I can hear how painful it is, particularly regarding the 13 year old.  It sounds like you have a very special relationship with her. 

I agree with the others for now keep your distance, you need to protect yourself at this time.

The reason I wanted to pop in was that I remember someone at some point on these boards suggested writing letters to the child they were separated from and saving them.  It's a way to release some of the feelings you are having... .a way to talk to your grandkids particularly your granddaughter.  Once written save them until you are able to be together again and at that time share the letters with them.  Then they will know that you always cared, that they were on your mind and in your heart when you couldn't be together.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Doughboy]

Man, right in the feels... .

I just got done posting about my struggle today with the loss of my exfiance's 2 girls with all of this.  15 and 17 this year.  The older one turned 17 today.  Kinda similar in that their Dad is a bit of a jerk and uses them as ammo against  Mom.  The 2nd husband never gave the kids the time of day.  They were slow to come around to me but once I earned the trust it was amazing the kindness and love they showed.

I can relate to how painful this is for you but I agree with the others.  Since we are dealing with minor, opposite sex children we need to keep ourselves safe as sad as that sounds.  I actually had to tell the girls to stop texting me, after Mom told me never to contact them, so no one got in trouble.  That was doubly hard.