Beleaguered
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4
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« on: May 10, 2017, 10:02:17 PM » |
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Could we discuss the mechanism of projection in BPD and how to deal with it? My 46 year old daughter uses it constantly, in real time and in reiterating things in the past. At times she seems to be totally replacing herself with me. It's so distressing and frightening, actually, because it feels like dealing with someone who is psychotic.
Currently she is demanding an apology for a fly-off-the-handle episode she had a week ago with me and insisting it was me. She says I came at her out of the blue and screamed at her and "punished" her, and it was totally uncalled for, etc.
When actually I just asked her a question about getting her car worked on (well, actually it's mine, but she drives it and it was long overdue for an oil change), and she became defensive and dismissive and started shouting about how she can take care of it herself.
(She has no money, and the engine was destroyed on it three years ago because she never checked the oil - so I spent $4,000 for an engine replacement. I could never do anything like that again. It was the last of my husband's life insurance money.)
So now, on a rare occasion that I saw her, I asked if we could please make the arrangements this week to get her car in. When she began to browbeat me about leaving her alone, she's not a loser, I've done this her whole life, etc., etc., I couldn't get a word in edgewise, let alone yell. I just took it, as I usually do, and she stormed away cursing me.
Later she called me and continued her rant about how I attacked her, unprovoked, out of the blue, punishing her, and she deserved an apology for being screamed at out of the blue for no reason. She was breathtakingly adamant, and for the first time ever, I didn't apologize.
Something in me just froze, and I thought whenever she forces me to apologize for her own projected behavior, I'm just validating insanity. Of course she is immediately relieved, and comes "back" within a couple days and the episode is forgotten. But this time it's such a flagrant example of delusional thinking that I've just been sick at the idea of capitulating and taking it on and apologizing for something she did, and not I.
It's the current sticking point with her, and until I apologize for a rage episode that she has assigned to me, not her, she wants nothing to do with me other than calling me for money.
I have hundreds of examples, over many years, but this is the first time I've just remained silent through her rants -- well actually I can't even get a supportive sentence out, let alone the recommended SET type remarks.
What is the best way to cope with this? Is this common with BPD? Or is this a feature of some co-occurring disorder? It's like suddenly she's another person, or a person with dementia or psychosis. There's no way through it; I just want a peaceful way around it.
Any experience with this? Thank you all so much. I learn so much from all of you, and our similarities kind of break my heart, but I'm so glad you're here.
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