talking rose,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar, though less overt situation with my hwBPD, so maybe we can be support buddies.
Does your husband have a formal diagnosis of BPD? Mine does. I think that can make conversations about suicide a bit more direct, but I don't know that anything could make them "easier".
The points my therapist has helped me prepare to communicate to my husband are:
1. I hear your pain and acknowledge your desire to end it through suicide.
2. I would be grieved by your death.
3. I would not feel guilty - this is the key one for me. More on this below.
4. I would move on.
5. You would miss out on xyz (seeing our sons marry and have children, being a grandparent, etc.), but I would not.
Point 3 is, for me, the most important to truly own if I have any hope of communicating it to my hwBPD. I also need to realize that I'm not trying to convince HIM that I shouldn't feel guilty. As far as he's concerned, all I have to establish is that I won't feel guilty. For myself, I need to understand why I shouldn't feel guilty. I might even tell him my reasoning, but make it clear that I share it only to help him gain understanding, not as a start of a debate.
Here is my reasoning for why I shouldn't feel guilty if my husband attempts suicide. The BPD diagnosis does help by providing some facts to base it on:
1. Suicidal ideation is a known aspect of the disorder.
2. I did not cause his disorder.
3. I can not cure his disorder.
4. I am doing all I can to encourage him to take steps to address his disorder and, by virtue of that, am striving to help him deal with and ultimately escape the suicidal ideation.
5. If present when he is likely to attempt self-harm/suicide, I will take steps to provide the professional help necessary to protect his life (by calling a suicide hotline, 911, or taking him to the ER).
These may feel like indirect actions compared to what your husband wants "I just need a hug and for you to say you are sorry", but you are focused on a long term, proven resolution. What he is asking of you has not been proven in any studies, or even in your own relationship, to be an effective treatment for the suicidal ideation. If, heaven forbid, he were to attempt and/or succeed at suicide, you would have done what you could to prevent it and should not carry around the guilt.
I don't know that I have experienced what our husbands experience as "suicidal ideation", but I have been in a place where I felt like the pain was too much to live with and the only escape from the pain was death. I know that, in those moments, no amount of hugging and apologizing could have made any difference. In those moments, it was the knowledge of the pain I would cause my children and the finality of suicide that kept me from attempting suicide. The two things that helped me get out of the suicidal ideation were to ease the mental anguish by starting on anti-anxiety drugs ("short term" treatment that lasted almost 3 years until I took the next step... .) and to realize my ability to address the situation that was causing the pain (my marriage). I'm not yet sure exactly how that situation will ultimately be addressed in the long term, but I know that I have choice. I'm not able to enact change in my husband to make the marriage less painful, but I can choose to enact change in myself that would make living in my marriage less painful. I am also able to remove myself from the painful marriage short term (currently separated) or long term (considering divorce) to reduce the pain that was leading to suicidal ideation.
I am not sure how much of what I worked through is necessary/achievable by my husband. I don't doubt that he is in pain, but I DO doubt whether he is actually at a point where he thinks death is the only option to ease that pain. I think he is a point where he thinks that threatening suicide is the only option to GET ME to ease his pain. In my mind, the difference between what I experienced and what he is experiencing is that I was viewing suicide as a solution to my problems while he is viewing the threat of suicide as a tool to get me others to solve his problems. Obviously, I can't be sure of that differentiation and my actions can't be based on whether I think he's really serious or not. I have to take him seriously, but I also have to make sure that I don't sacrifice the steps towards long term healing in an attempt to manage short term crises.
I'm sending hugs for you (I'm of the opinion that you need them more than your husband
) and hope you continue to share your experiences, good and bad, with us.
BeagleGirl