Looking for support and help for daughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi there.

I'm happy to have found this site. I apologize up front for the length of this post but I feel it's necessary to tell some background to our story.

My soon-to-be 16-year-old daughter has BPD traits. My wife and I have been driven to the very edge of our sanity (and beyond it seems sometimes) trying to deal with her. Now that we actually have some parameters around what she suffers from, I'm hopeful that we'll move forward. As background, she has always been unhappy, from the first day she set feet on this planet. When she was a baby, she was never satisfied. If we held her, she squirmed and cried and wanted to be put down. When we put her down, she would cry and want to be picked up. As she got older, the unhappiness continued. When she started kindergarten, she would not let us leave on the first day. For the next two weeks, I had to literally carry her onto the bus and place her in a seat, then quickly exit the bus in hope she wouldn't chase me, in order for her to get her to school. Fortunately, her driver was great and she had a great teacher that supported her. Eventually, she took to school and things seemed to be pointing up. I thought, maybe she's finally growing out of it.

Through her elementary school years, she was an excellent student and was very interested in most of her subjects. School was easy for her and she was identified in middle school as gifted and put in the gifted and talented program. Through all of those years, however, she had the most tremendous meltdowns over the most ridiculous things--if we didn't fill her milk cup as much as she wanted, if we didn't set her plate in front of her exactly where she wanted, etc. she would just have these angry, tearful outbursts with lots of yelling and screaming. When she got into middle school, we also started noticing that boys were becoming very important to her. She almost always seemed to need to have a boyfriend. We quickly figured out that somehow their interest made her feel important. This is something that has continued to this day.

When she got to high school, she didn't want to go to her K-12 charter school anymore and, instead, wanted to try online school. She had been bullied in 8th grade around her interest in boys (other kids said she had a reputation) and, because we were also moving, we supported her move to online school. Her grades suffered, however, as she wasn't ever fully engaged. She would let herself get behind and then do a massive "catch up" at the last minute to get her grades to a passing level. At the end of her 9th grade year, we moved to a new house. The local high school is one of the best in the entire metro area and the plan was for her to go there.

During the summer before her 10th grade year, she started hanging around with a 24-year-old man, which we thought was really strange. Through her online school, because she wasn't making friends socially, she started meeting them online and then meeting up with them in person. That's how she found this 24-year-old "friend." The pattern also continued that 100% of her new friends are boys--she says she doesn't get along with girls.

When she started her 10th grade year in the new school, I was afraid that going from a small charter school to an online school to a public school with almost 1900 students would be too much for her. She was in marching band for the first semester, and that was a highlight that she enjoyed. Her grades also did well. But by the end of the first semester, she stated that she didn't want to go there anymore. It turned out that she had made a lot of enemies, not surprising considering her behavior which was most of the time rude. So, back to online school for the second semester. She's currently finishing up her online semester. The plan next year is to try to get into a "Gateway to College" program whereby she would attend classes at a local community college and gain both high school and college credit for it. We hope it works out. We're not placing any bets, however.

The other major issue that's happened through all of this is her constant desire to go out and buy something. I get that she has cabin fever because she does school online but every day, sometimes multiple times a day, she "needs" to go somewhere to buy something (i.e., try to spend her parents' money). We've put boundaries around doing this but she keeps pushing. We've noticed that she behaves in ways to get attention, but then when she gets it she pushes it away (a classic BPD trait).

Through all of these years, there's been much yelling and fighting between my daughter and my wife and my daughter and me. There have been so many meltdown moments and I know there's resentment and anger still buried inside all of us about it. After 3 stints in mental health facilities between November 2016 and January 2017 for suicide attempts, she is doing better mood-wise now because of the medication she's on to regulate it. And she is seeing a very good therapist for DBT. My wife and I are also utilizing a "parenting coach" to help us through all of this, and of course, looking for support. My wife and I both feel so beat down. We've gotten to that point so many times that all our daughter feels like is someone who causes us pain.  With that, we've gone into "flight" mode because nothing has ever really worked with her as far as parenting and discipline. I think we've both stopped caring about lots of things, including our own lives. Because sometimes it is appealing to think that at least death would take us out of the pain she causes. But I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want my life back. I want to be a support to our daughter, but I don't know how to do that. I'm here to start learning.

[Hopeful70]

Hi there.

I'm happy to have found this site. I apologize up front for the length of this post but I feel it's necessary to tell some background to our story.

My soon-to-be 16-year-old daughter has BPD traits. My wife and I have been driven to the very edge of our sanity (and beyond it seems sometimes) trying to deal with her. Now that we actually have some parameters around what she suffers from, I'm hopeful that we'll move forward. As background, she has always been unhappy, from the first day she set feet on this planet. When she was a baby, she was never satisfied. If we held her, she squirmed and cried and wanted to be put down. When we put her down, she would cry and want to be picked up. As she got older, the unhappiness continued. When she started kindergarten, she would not let us leave on the first day. For the next two weeks, I had to literally carry her onto the bus and place her in a seat, then quickly exit the bus in hope she wouldn't chase me, in order for her to get her to school. Fortunately, her driver was great and she had a great teacher that supported her. Eventually, she took to school and things seemed to be pointing up. I thought, maybe she's finally growing out of it.

Through her elementary school years, she was an excellent student and was very interested in most of her subjects. School was easy for her and she was identified in middle school as gifted and put in the gifted and talented program. Through all of those years, however, she had the most tremendous meltdowns over the most ridiculous things--if we didn't fill her milk cup as much as she wanted, if we didn't set her plate in front of her exactly where she wanted, etc. she would just have these angry, tearful outbursts with lots of yelling and screaming. When she got into middle school, we also started noticing that boys were becoming very important to her. She almost always seemed to need to have a boyfriend. We quickly figured out that somehow their interest made her feel important. This is something that has continued to this day.

When she got to high school, she didn't want to go to her K-12 charter school anymore and, instead, wanted to try online school. She had been bullied in 8th grade around her interest in boys (other kids said she had a reputation) and, because we were also moving, we supported her move to online school. Her grades suffered, however, as she wasn't ever fully engaged. She would let herself get behind and then do a massive "catch up" at the last minute to get her grades to a passing level. At the end of her 9th grade year, we moved to a new house. The local high school is one of the best in the entire metro area and the plan was for her to go there.

During the summer before her 10th grade year, she started hanging around with a 24-year-old man, which we thought was really strange. Through her online school, because she wasn't making friends socially, she started meeting them online and then meeting up with them in person. That's how she found this 24-year-old "friend." The pattern also continued that 100% of her new friends are boys--she says she doesn't get along with girls.

When she started her 10th grade year in the new school, I was afraid that going from a small charter school to an online school to a public school with almost 1900 students would be too much for her. She was in marching band for the first semester, and that was a highlight that she enjoyed. Her grades also did well. But by the end of the first semester, she stated that she didn't want to go there anymore. It turned out that she had made a lot of enemies, not surprising considering her behavior which was most of the time rude. So, back to online school for the second semester. She's currently finishing up her online semester. The plan next year is to try to get into a "Gateway to College" program whereby she would attend classes at a local community college and gain both high school and college credit for it. We hope it works out. We're not placing any bets, however.

The other major issue that's happened through all of this is her constant desire to go out and buy something. I get that she has cabin fever because she does school online but every day, sometimes multiple times a day, she "needs" to go somewhere to buy something (i.e., try to spend her parents' money). We've put boundaries around doing this but she keeps pushing. We've noticed that she behaves in ways to get attention, but then when she gets it she pushes it away (a classic BPD trait).

Through all of these years, there's been much yelling and fighting between my daughter and my wife and my daughter and me. There have been so many meltdown moments and I know there's resentment and anger still buried inside all of us about it. After 3 stints in mental health facilities between November 2016 and January 2017 for suicide attempts, she is doing better mood-wise now because of the medication she's on to regulate it. And she is seeing a very good therapist for DBT. My wife and I are also utilizing a "parenting coach" to help us through all of this, and of course, looking for support. My wife and I both feel so beat down. We've gotten to that point so many times that all our daughter feels like is someone who causes us pain.  With that, we've gone into "flight" mode because nothing has ever really worked with her as far as parenting and discipline. I think we've both stopped caring about lots of things, including our own lives. Because sometimes it is appealing to think that at least death would take us out of the pain she causes. But I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want my life back. I want to be a support to our daughter, but I don't know how to do that. I'm here to start learning.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Hopeful,

You have come to the right place, Welcome to the BPD Fam!  All of us here get it!

Our stories share many similarities, from overly sensitive/fussy baby, overachiever, right down to school problems.

You can regain power and reclaim your life!  It is going to take time,practice and patience, but it is possible.

Can you start with something small like ask your spouse out to dinner?   It is such a joy to "escape" and sit peacefully re-connecting with each other as a couple.  If you can't spare a couple of hrs, maybe a trip to a local coffee house.  Do you have any hobbies that have been pushed to the side in the midst of all the crisis?  If so, start there.  I began running again and that hr is golden! 

In terms of her spending habits, does she do chores to "earn"$$.   I enjoy seeing my D help out around the house and have no problem in giving her some cash, so long as she earns it... .I'm not her personal ATM.  It also gives her a sense of responsibility.

A therapist once shared that big changes are hard to achieve, but if you break them down to small ones, they add up BIG!

Good luck in this journey

[wendydarling]

Hello Hopeful70

I join Bright Day, welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with your young daughter, you've been through a lot it's no wonder you feel so beat down, its exhausting  You've come to the right place for support and learning, parents here understand what you are going through, you are not alone.

It's sounds like your DD is making steady progress after all the recent crisis' the meds are helping stabilise, your DD has taken to the therapist. As Bright Day says small changes add up to BIG, I see that with my 28DD diagnosed two years ago today, one year in DBT. Small gentle steps work for us.

To the right are tools and lessons changing the way we communicate, the way we react to our children's behaviour, improves our relationship. It involves effort and practice on our part and may feel counterintuitive, most importantly they work  Take it at your own pace Hopeful and let us know how you get on, sharing is helpful we learn with and from each other here. 

Welcome to the community, we are here to help, and walk the path with you.

Looking forward to reading your posts.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi there Hopeful

I wanted to join Bright Day Mom and Wendydarling in welcoming you to the forum.

Your description of your daughter as a young baby and toddler could have been my own words.

I too stopped caring about normal things in my life. I wanted my own life back too. It can be done and, just as we want our children to change their behaviours, we have to learn how to change our own.  I realised that I wasn't taking care of myself and I was miserable all the time, that's just not healthy. Importantly, it's not demonstrating to my kids how to live a good and balanced life.

It's possible to live our own lives and be there for our kids, but in the right way, it sounds like you've got a good support mechanism in place for yourselves and that's so great.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to reading your posts,

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi

I've gone away and come back again as I was thinking about your daughter's spending habits and the instant gratification she seeks.  Also, the paying your son/daughter for jobs done around the house.

Feelings are Fact for BPD sufferers.

My BPD can't spend money and so we have the opposite problem. He won't spend money on clothes so he has looked like he's homeless with shoes falling off his feet; I always thought it was because he didn't care. This drove me up the wall and I'd give in and buy him some, despite him being over 18 and working, then I'd resent the purchase - he of course was really pleased with his new trainers! This was pre dx.

Remembering that my BPDs didn't get diagnosed until 24 so there was a lot of bouncing around during his teenager years.  I tried paying him for chores but it always went badly.  He'd get stressed about the pressures of feeling that he had to a perfect job to get paid, plus he didn't really want to do the work anyway.  In his anxiety, he'd get confused with quite a complex bag of emotions and then his reaction would be that it was my fault. I stopped asking him to do chores and encouraged him to get a Saturday job (which he did) - he was 15.  You'd think that somebody with work experience over 5 years would have some financial management skills - not my BPDs; this limitation has seriously affected his behaviours as the consequences got bigger as he was an adult.

No point wishing to turn the clock back.  With my younger son (non-BPD) I've made sure he has an ATM card, he has a small  allowance so he can start learning just how to manage financially.  I don't check up on his account, ask what he spends the money on or give him money when he asks. I see this as a phased approach to him learning how to be an adult. It's working OK for us.  I do fully accept he's not BPD though.  But to behave maturely, you have to be treated maturely.

Getting my BPD to take responsibility for himself, learn those critical financial management skills while I improve our core relationship has been very hard work - but we are getting there with using better communication and validations skills, boundaries and limits.  I regret not dealing with this properly when he was a teenager but we can only do our best with what we know at the time.

All our situations unique and it's whatever fits for us.  BrightDayMom has found a great way to get her chores done and her daughter is learning the pleasure of receiving from work done, practical chore skills and doing something that contributes to the family home.  That's really important too.  I failed in getting my BPDs to do chores and he finds it difficult to take care of himself.  I just wanted to give my experience to you so you're at least aware of it.

As they say, if something's not working change your approach.

Hugs

LP

[Hopeful70]

Thanks to you all for your replies and kind words. It gives me hope to know you all have dealt with the same issues.

My wife and I do take time to be together. We have a Saturday morning ritual where we go out to breakfast at a local restaurant. It's precious time and if we do it early enough, we're not interrupted by the texts and calls that start with our daughter. I've always felt like I want to be there when our kids need us but I find I have to ignore her attempts at certain times because all she wants is for us to come home and tend to her wants. We also try to have dates from time to time, like going to the movies or out to dinner. Our parenting coach has talked with us about letting natural consequences occur in her life. I'm all for that but she tends to push things to the extreme to where natural consequences would be life threatening to her, which then forces us to get involved. It's hard to say "Wow, what are you going to do about that?" when she's just swallowed a bottle of pills when we were out on a date. Frustrating!

I'm anxious to do more reading and to learn skills in dealing with her personality and behavior. Thanks again for the warm welcome!