Partner- Severe BPD

[HelpASAPplease]

My partner has faced incredible trauma as a child. She was put in foster care when she was 3 and was given from one family to the other until she regained contact with her biological family as a teenager. That said, her biological family is also abusive. She's been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused for years. She's witnessed her family murder people in front of her. She now does not maintain contact with any family members.

She's now in her early 30s and faces severe BPD. She's plagued by feelings of neglect and abandonment. She always thinks I'm going to leave her. I mentioned wanting to propose 5 days ago, and she said she would accept. Today, she broke up with me and called me a coward for not yet proposing. She also says incredibly hurtful things very often, lashing out and calling me abusive, immature, self-centered, entitled, selfish, unstable, etc etc, and never apologizes for it. She's also threatened to out me to everyone (I'm closeted) so I can "feel a fraction of the pain she feels all the time" and has mentioned several times that she could kill me in my sleep.  

I feel guilty for leaving, but I recognize I should. I am a shell of the person I was before this relationship. At the same time, I love her. When things are good, they're great.

[Lalathegreat]

Welcome - I love your handle... .

So many of us here can relate to what you are going through. I have found these boards to be a place of incredible comfort and support, I hope you do as well.

My pwBPD also is a survivor of extreme abuse. I spent the first part of our relationship feeling that if I loved him enough and did enough to prove to him that he could trust me, I could help "fix" his underlying fears. I have come to realize that 1) this simply isn't possible, nobody can fix another person's problems, and 2) the effort of trying was going to kill me. Oh - and I might have learned a thing or 2 about my own codependent nature - that is something I CAN work on "fixing".

I highly recommend reading through the tools linked on the right - particularly the ones about boundaries and effective communication. Nothing about this is easy, but they can be made somewhat more manageable with hard work.

Hang in there.